Finally...

A day off tomorrow.
Thank you Jesus for that because I am desperately on the verge of going insane.
My feet hurt...
But they don't stop hurting like they used to.
I just wake up and they hurt and hurt more throughout the day.
One of my jobs is also driving me insane.
I really feel unappreciated and just disrespected to be quite honest.
God had to remind me of what He did on the cross for me.
And then I remembered that in this life we will be hurt and we will suffer and people will treat us differently.
Truthfully, I'm not being persecuted and the way I am being treated has absolutely nothing to do with my FAITH and everything to do with ME, MYSELF and I.

The cross.
This is where my eyes need to stay otherwise Che is throwing a self-pity party and ready to yell or snap or tell off anyone within reach.
The cross.
This is where my life is layed down.
Surrendered.
My soul is redeemed, purchased and made new.
My heart is broken here and filled with Christ.
His Spirit works in me best when I am looking to HE did on the cross.
Because it is then and ONLY then that I am completely unaware of who I am and the world around me.
When my eyes are on his hanging body.
Beaten, bruised and pierced in my NAME.
For the sake of LOVE.
I am fully aware of CHRIST and HIS OVERWHELMING AND ABUNDANT LOVE FOR ME AND THIS WORLD.

Then it happens.
My tears are wiped.
My gaze looks up and I turn my head wondering if all have not fallen on their knees in awe.
AND I REALIZE JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE WANDERED AWAY.
ARE HAPPY HE DIED.
COULD CARE LESS.
DON'T BELIEVE HE DIED FOR THEM...
And I get angry with the world.
I get angry with what others are doing and how much they DON'T LOVE MY SAVIOR.
And I start living in that anger and self-righteousness.
I act in anger.
I wake up in anger.
I work in anger.

But it is the LOVE of Christ that wishes to operate fully in me.
It is HIS love for me and this world that wishes to wake me and work in me.
NOT ANGER.
NOT SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.


I love you guys.
I love this blog and how raw and real I can be without my stutter and awkward personality interrupting my thoughts.
Such a blessing.

I know that I may seem to really beat myself up but I don't really believe in editing my thoughts when they're flowing right from my head to this page.
Everything I type I just have to type and release.
Because this is one of the few places I can say it and not get crazy feedback.
Or weird looks and stares.
Maybe some of you know what I mean...
 :)

thanks for reading loves!
May God keep you and draw you in deeper into love and faith with HIM.

ALL OF MY HOPE IS IN YOU GOD...

♥CheChe

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I appreciate you Bloggers ♥

Can I just say gals.. How ridiculously EASY it is to get caught up amongst each other.
We just naturally love talking about our flaws and lingering and dissecting them.
I have tried to avoid discussing myself negatively but I am so easily swayed in this area.
I find myself dreaming of going on WEIGHTWATCHERS... Talking to a co-worker about whose butt is bigger?
I mean seriously!! How unattractive, am I right?
And worst of all my Messiah, Jesus, GOD, our SAVIOR is nowhere to be seen or heard of in these moments.
I simply give in to the flesh and talk "FAT" with whomever is willing to humor me with their own sad story.
Yes. I am once again complaining and whining but you know what?
THAT IS WHY I LOVE HAVING A BLOG!!!
The fact that you beautiful and intelligent (AND PRETTY DARN CREATIVE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF) women want to take a moment out of your day to look into my little corner and nook of the internet world and read my craziness is only a blessing that reflects Gods grace because I certainly can't find any reason why y'all precious bunch of ladies would follow me. I sometimes wonder if I would follow me? You know... In an objective sort of way.

Anywho, WHEW!!! Thank the LORD that I have an outlet. THANK THE LORD that yesterday has passed and tomorrow has come because HE HAS PLANS for me today. THANK THE LORD that I can come online and be edified, encouraged and truly entertained by women taking time out of their lives to let others in. You gals really bless those who walk on in to your little space along the way. You guys are amazing and I honestly enjoy coming home to my blog. As well as, my bible, my books, my bed...

I just truly appreciate having a home to come to at the end of these long days. I love my life right now. I don't know what the LORD is doing and what HE has planned or purposed out of all of this but I pray that I would be strong and that I would be made strong in Him and not in myself. I really love nights like these. Nights where I can only believe because nothing really makes much sense. Bricks are definitely being layed but I have no idea what God is building in my life.

Can I be a girl for a moment??

I am just going to keep it real.

I would love to be married soon...  Someday...
I would love to have a godly man to hold hands with.
To tell about my day.
I would love to have him look into my eyes and ask me to pray.

Yeah, I am quite the sap.
And yes I just said "to hold hands with".
I think holding hands is the most intimate thing... It just makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Oh. But guess what.
God wants the same thing from me!! Oh wow. I only just thought of this.
But the desires I am honestly sharing with you guys reflect the Lords love for me.
He wants to be married. To be united in one with me.
He wants to hold my hand.
He wants me to tell Him about my day...
And He wants me to look to Him and pray... more each day.


How great is our God...?


I Love You Lord.
Your will and your ways are perfect.
Forgive me for wanting to jump ahead of you so often.
Thank you for this day Lord.




♥CheChe

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The Sunday of Pictures ♥

The Sunday Coffee Crew... We're missing a large number of servants though...

trying to look cute while hair flies into my mouth... This was the outcome.

I'm 5'7" without heels... Add 4inches to that and I look amazonish.

A picture of us preparing for the next picture... skills

♥

Strong ladiessss... haha We are so awkward

My resurrection day (Stolen from Arielle) was so amazing.
My mom came to church! She has never come to my church Calvary Chapel on a Sunday and she was really blessed by it. It is great to see God moving and drawing her back closer to Him. I pray that she builds a strong and solid relationship with Him and that nothing would keep her from hungering to live for Christ. I want all of my family to GAIN when they DIE.

I loved the dress I wore. Although it wasn't the typical BRIGHT ensemble I chose it for versatility and flexibility. Not to mention extreme comfort and how the material allowed my hips and thighs to not look so...BODACIOUS?,,, Good choice of word Chetreanna.


Hanging out:
I got to spend and amazing time with my sis Lena. Have I mentioned that I love her deeply to you guys yet? Well, if not, there is my first proclamation. She is amazing. I haven't had the comfort and peace of being able to sit down with a woman of God and witness utter transparency and heart in a while and to be honest it is usually with her that such displays take place. I love that God allows us to be real with one another in the ugliness that is mankind and yet, we cannot wait to see each other next. Anyone who can sit with me and see my heart displayed out on the table and not run away, but instead LOVE me more, is definitely someone who understands grace and all that has been gained in the resurrection of Christ by humanity.

REQUEST:

I am so eager to share every thought that pops into my head to you all. But I will spare you. I will leave you with the usual request. PRAY FOR ME. Pray for obedience that begins as soon as I rise and ends when my eyes are shut in bed. Pray for a deeper love and attitude of genuine worship (*in spirit and truth) for our Christ, Lord Jesus. Pray that the Holy Spirit would reveal nothing more or less than what God would purpose for me to know and that I would have peace in not knowing WHAT I am supposed to be doing with my life right now.

Thank you all again for stopping by. Shoot me a prayer request ANYTIME btw. I would love to intercede for whatever struggles or desires your burdened with :).

♥cheche

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Panhandling for the Coveted ♥

I know GOD supplies all of my needs.
I do.
I really, really do.
But where does PAN-HANDLING come into play?

I know. I am quite pathetic to even think such a thought.
But...(stay with me here)... BUT...

[I once met a guy who panhandled FOR A LIVING.]  <--Excuse insert
He had a shifty right eye and used it to his advantage to make money
on the corner. Add to that an outfit that the more privilidged
Orange County-ans would consider the look of poverty and voila!
You have a phony bum.
In the middle of the walkway, or in front of your local
grocery store.
Anyways, due to the crazy person I am without Christ (and mainly an ex-boyfriend)
I came into the paths of this man and he told me that this was his way of living.
He made about as much as I make in a week in a day.
IT opened my eyes. It changed me. I was so confused. I was a bit angry. A tad jealous
and just downright intrigued.reliving the conversation... Wondering, if the desire
to panhandle for a... CAMERA would be the right thing to do...
I would be honest about it.

I would write "A starving student, with a roof over her head and gas-guzzling, grand marquis seeks your extra change in order to obtain the camera she cannot ever possibly afford working part-time in a financial institution."

An honest panhandler is something to be revered ladies. I dare say, they aren't all quite as impoverished as you think.
Yes. I just used one guy who pretended to be a bum as an excuse to pose such a question about panhandling.

When Jesus walked the earth he saw those that begged and would give them REAL WEALTH, eternal life! He would reach out His hand, He would command the lame to walk and He would certainly not pity them. He blesses all who have faith.


I guess. I guess. Well, perhaps the panhandling thing isn't what the Lord wants me to do. But I just wanted to be honest about the thoughts that creep into my head. This is the woman you are following. She is in need of prayer. At all times.

thank you. I...

and I apologize for the offensive thoughts.
I have quite a long way to go.

♥cheche

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Delightful [♥]

"There should be a fear of not loving GOD as you ought! Not of LOSING your salvation."- M. Chaddick

I was going through my notes on the book of Luke and this really struck me to the heart and soul. I can't really put into words why but the truth and validity in this statement is one that I believe will be present within the eternal realms.

I also wanted to share this thought that really shed new light on the legalistic mindset and just the lack of true root it has within christianity if the person is not keeping the commands out of their love of Christ and the working of Christ in them.

"Legalism: rule keeping without the first two rules."

 The first two rules/commands are simply stated in Matthew 22:"³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Our eyes should really be fixated here. I know this is where my eyes definitely need to be fixated. And I need to purpose myself more to cling to Him and these two commands. This is what I am often missing throughout my workday. This is what I often turn from when anger or selfishness is rearing its ugly little mutant head. I drift Lord. My prayer is that we would purpose ourselves to LOVE GOD as we ought. Not with the mindset of receiving the blessings or praises or achievements but simply because we recognize just who it is that has loved us first. 

Oh, I also wanted to share that I did 50 crunches tonight!! As well as 20 pushups :).I missed my spin classes this week due to impromptu bake sales and a bachelorette part-ay. Heyyy! I was driving home stuffed feeling just, for lack of better adjectives,sedentary and lazy. So I said you know what God! I am doing 50 sit-ups and 2 sets of 10 pushups.
Then I got home.. and laid for a bit on the floor... Watched part of THE HOLIDAY. Thought about just going to bed. But I remembered the faith that God had in that impulsive covenant I made with Him on my way home and I said YES! I am willing Lord! Okay, I know I am extremely dramatic but this is seriously what was going on in my head. Talking to myself and GOD is really enough to keep me entertained on my own.

Alright, it is getting late and I have nothing else that I can think of to share. Tomorrow is SUNDAY FUNDAY! What are your plans for this Sunday? Next Saturday I attend my first ever WEDDING!!! Pray I find a dress by then :/. By dearies!

♥ CHeTReAnNa ♥

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No me gusta :( ♥

So I have a burn or rash on my upper lip and under my chin. And it seriously burns like no other! I am in such discomfort and pain and the hypochondriac that is alive in my really feels like I have some type of flesh eating disease or std or chemical burn just because it hurts sooo bad. My mom said it looks like an allergic reaction to something I ate. I though it was a sunburn because it looks and feels exactly like a sunburn I previously had. Btw I think it is impossible that it is an STD but prior to finding GOD I was sexually active with my only ex-boyfriend (WHO I HAD TESTED BECAUSE I AM A HYPOCHONDRIACISH TYPE OF WOMAN. PRAISE GOD) SO just in case anyone was wondering that is the LITTLE piece that fuels the STD fire. Not to mention that I have been tested SINCE that past mistake and yeah. Why am I talking about STDS oh my goodness...

Anywho. Pray for me if you can. I believe in the power of prayer so I ask a lot. But tomorrow I leave for the WHEN WOMEN LEAD CONFERENCE and I am so scared of just not being able to enjoy it because of this pain. WOooo.. The Lord has got this. I know. So I will pray and calm down. I just want to wake up free of the pain. I don't even care about the rash, just the pain Lord. You can take away my mouth and my face but please LORD deliver me from this pain.

I'm heading to bed now and I still have yet to pack but I just so happen to be the best LAST minute packer in town ;).

Thank you God for another day. And Thank you for showing me in REVELATION today just how close we are to your return and to continue to pray for the LOST that they might not be deceived by this crazy "BEAST" that is seeking to make peace and lure people away from your truth with false religion, doctrine and promises. Oh LORD, raise us up into stronger women of FAITH that we ourselves may not be deceived and stand firm in our Love for you in all areas. May we not allow compromising lifestyles to be the reason we are left behind or standing outside your gates. I love you GOD.

♥ Have a Great Weekend Loves!! ♥

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Prayer ♥

Dear Lord,


You know me by name. You knit me before the span of time I live in existed. You created me for a magnificent and perfect life and ministry. I pray to count it all as joy. To surrender myself completely at your throne. To be filled with your spirit so that you might be revealed more and more to those around me. I pray God for more of your love to enter my heart. I pray for forgiveness Lord because I continually fall short. I pray Lord to pray more and to take heed to your calling and pick up my cross each and every moment that I am awake and functioning on this planet. I pray for my unsaved family Lord to come to know you as sovereign and King. I pray for a flame of your POWER to be ignited within my soul and for an awakening like no other to take place within me that others may not RECOGNIZE me as Chetreanna but as a woman who has encountered the living God.

Father break me of my Pride.
Give me more humility.
Show me and reveal to me what a meek spirit truly looks like.
Show me how to be the gentle woman you have called me to be.
Control me, Use me, Fulfill in me the desires you have given to me.
Shake me free of the cage I have become accustomed to that I may fly on your wings in your GLory.
Set my heart aflame my God.
Show me who I am in You.
Let me be overwhelmed with your forgiveness that I could learn to truly walk in forgiveness amongst mankind.
Less of me Dear God. 
Less of me PLEASE Dear Father.
I am sick God. I am sick of sin. I am sick of the lack of sensitivity I have spiritually. Make me Bold. Give me passion for your name. TRANSFORM me God.




I love you so much Jesus. You have done so many great things for me and I just wanted to let you know that I am yours and I am sorry for not always walking as YOUR CHILD. Thank you for loving me first. Thank you for rescuing me from the Hell I chose. Thank you for loving me when I spat on your face, laughed at you, mocked you and denied your NAME. Father God infiltrate this world and show your face to those suffering across the globe. You know them all by name God. May they know your name as well.



I. Am. In. Love. With. You.




love,


Chetreanna [♥]

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AFRICA! ♥

Pro 16:9	A man's heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.

Pro 16:9

A man's heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.

I have never stepped foot outside of this country. The closest I've been outside of California was Las Vegas family trips to Circus Circus. I lived in North Carolina around the age of 2 but that doesn't count because we were there for a year and I have no idea what anything in that state looked like.


THIS SUMMER... I will be leaving the comfort of cozy California to go somewhere that God has placed on my heart. Somewhere I don't know how I would ever possibly have desired to visit apart from Christ. I will be leaving behind a world that doesn't know persecution and a culture so wrapped up into Christianity you can barely tell us from the non-believers. The Lord has called me to UGANDA!! To AFRICA.


We will not be staying in a hotel. We will be setting up shop in a tent. Within a school building. We will be there for 2 months helping out with the school, village and church there.


I wanted to share it with you all because today I realized that it is HAPPENING. Last year around this time I was in personal prayer about going to Africa. 5 months ago I was surrendering it to God, assuming He wouldn't send me until I was done with school and capable of affording the trip. The first Wednesday of this January I was being told that "the doors to Africa have opened. be in prayer."


God is so amazing and so faithful to give us the desires of our hearts and today at our 4th bake sale I witnessed the love of others and just the provision of God. We are 5 girls who seriously have no idea what we are doing other than the simple fact that God is calling all of us individually to go and be of service to Him to His beautiful people.

I guess. I really am just in need of PRAYER. This is a lot. A lot to take in and a lot to handle amidst the daily routine and grind. I will be needing 2 months off from work and still haven't told my boss about my leave of absence. We will not have the dates until we get the tickets at the end of next month so until I get the dates there is no point because the dates may be subject to change. WE also need prayer just as a group for God to bond all 5 of us ladies together in a knit that is not easily broken. God has great plans for us and I would hate to see any of us allowing the enemy to break us of His vision.


I'm so excited y'all and I just really wanted to share this with you. I know that many of you are prayer warriors so I am seeking it! We are doing bake sales in which donations are given and thus far the Lord has been blessing our Bake Sales but we still will need much more to get all five of us ladies on the plane. Please pray for more provision both financially and in prayer because that is what TRULY is funding this trip. The prayers of our hearts and those around us.


Thank you for reading and enjoy your FUNKY SUNDAY. 
Yeah. I know it doesn't rhyme but you know it's true. :)
GET FUNKAAYY..
                                                 

♥Chetreanna

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Memoir of a Young Lady ♥

There truly is no better feeling than being early to the first day of class and hearing or reading the words "CLASS IS CANCELED". I really don't care how studious or absorbed in your academics you are. A day off should always be perceived through the eyes of joy by all students alike in my opinion. Today I was hyped on attending Theater Appreciation since I am a Theater major. But still, even the urge to attend a class you really, really want to take more for pleasure than for the units is worth it when you think of the freedom you have been given by that class being canceled for the night. A 7-950 class will make you appreciate the days of cancellations I suppose. Anyways, I am now free to go attend a New Believers study some of my good Sisters/Friends help out with at my church. This study is a 14 week study that my Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa church has going year-round for new believers, people returning to Christ, or just anyone who needs to go over the basics of Christian Faith! In my opinion, not that anyone asked, this course is rewarding the even the most seasoned believer of Christ because remembering and reflecting who our God is in his foundational truths is something that never gets old! I passed the class (or I guess the more appropriate term would be FINISHED) a few months back in I believe February or March of 2010. I loved it, I loved my group leaders and I love God because of it. I am so blessed to have a church that really never closes. You can find bible studies, elderly prayers, prayer meetings or any type of fellowship happening on our grounds literally Monday-Sunday. I think we who take advantage are blessed because we have the ability to go get plugged in and fed anytime of the week. How fortunate are we? I just think of the martyrs that are all across the globe. Dieing the most honorable death there is all in the name of Christ. We are lucky the most we get out here in Southern California are snickers, laughs and sometimes foul language thrown our way but most of us have never suffered persecution the way our brothers and sisters in China, Russia and the Middle East do. If the thought strikes pray for those unnamed men and women out there in the fields harvesting for the Lord in some of the most dangerous of places for a Christian. Pray for Gods hand to be on them and for a hedge of protection around them and their families.

I love that I have a small and quiet campus. My girlfriend that attends Orange Coast Community College was on my campus the other day and told me she felt sorry for me. I laughed when she typed it. We are all drawn to different things as students. I am a natural socialite I have learned. So no matter how small or big I will always have a wonderful time socializing with the company I am provided. Thankfully this campus isn't too huge and there aren't really any cliques so I am not tempted to get caught up in the social scene and stray from classes or school which is also a natural talent of mine. There are pros and cons to everything right? 

I love that our classes are small (45 is usually the largest) and that I always have access to my teachers in a way larger community colleges and colleges in general may not. I love that I can park anywhere and not feel like I am going to be late to my next class because of that choice. I love that my campus feels low maintenance and for the most part it is treated as a stepping stone for students who attend. Almost everyone I drill, and question in the nosy way I tend to do, immediately responds with the school they plan to transfer to and the classes they need to get there. Being around more driven people tends to motivate the easily swayed to push that much harder at what they want.

In high school I became a professional slacker. I was an amateur slacker in middle school. After my parents were divorced during my 4th grade year I no longer had anyone in my life to keep me accountable for school work. My mother needed to provide for four children and work as well as much needed healing from the pain of divorce consumed her time. My father was the education enforcer and I know now his attentions were truly for our best interest. Because of his healthy push in that area of my life I finished elementary school with 2 requests to be skipped a grade, consecutive years from 1st-6th grade on the principles Honors List and president of my 6th grade class. I had a routine. Go home, study and do homework and play with my siblings or watch t.v. Not that I am proud of it (well, maybe just a tad bit ) I actually made a lot of money from 4-6th grade doing homework for classmates and friends. 5 dollars a page was the price. Front and back were separate pages. Math and essays were included as well as social studies work and history. It all came so natural to me. I never really struggled in my studies or with learning. As long as there was an instructor teaching me I easily picked up the curriculum. I truly felt I could be anything I wanted to be, that I was invincible and incredibly smart. I didn't understand education is something we are responsible of. It is something that we must nurture and continually feed or we can easily get off track...

The summer before seventh grade our new neighbors Trina, Samantha and Troy moved next door. And with that I began to see just how FUN life could be. I could study later right? I became an official woman that summer, started to really fill out as a young woman and desperately wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere since I didn't feel that way about my home. I never felt at home at my house so when I immediately took to Trina and Sam I began to spend time with them. As soon as I had spare time I would venture outside to hang out and kick it with them and the boys whom were mainly my brothers friends. I hated being home because there was so much baggage that weighed it down. So many things that were never healed and a few pink elephants that were constantly roaming the halls. So I'd stay at my friends houses until the appropriate hour to leave came. Even then I would stay in the front yard with everyone until my mother said come inside. This was to become a pattern in my life until I graduated from High school. I would become "adopted" by various parents of friends throughout my life simply because I was always around the family. I loved going to other friends homes and witnessing the very different dynamics that took place within them. Having two parents, brothers and sisters whom shared openly their feelings, open displays of affection, warmth and love... I would lecture friends with love on why they should obey their parents rules, or how they should apologize for something they said, or how lucky they were. Which they were, but I was extremely blessed as well, I just could not see it. It is always easier to see the blessings in others lives when we are too hopeless to see the blessings within our own lives.

I would tell my girlfriends how their mothers felt and what they were going through hypothetically in the hopes of my friends appreciating the homes they had. I had my home taken away after my parents were divorced. I never really liked that home because of the memories there but the space was very missed when we moved into my first ever apartment. Leaving my friends behind hurt for a moment but I immediately ventured outside to find new friends. And I did before 8th grade had even began. Like the bold woman I can be at times I found them the first day of 8th grade ditched the nice girl Shannon whose mother had asked her to show me around "the new girl". I bee lined towards the biggest and loudest group whom many of the summertime friends I had made were apart of. I fit easily or at least I put up such a good front people felt obligated to like me.


Socializing was probably the only reason I even made it through 8th grade and Highschool. Without any friends to see I would have ditched everyday and never attended my classes. I barely attended while being on campus which still makes no sense to me. I was either rebelling from my fathers focus on education or I truly gave up on who I could become in those years. I was believing the lies of Satan though that is for sure. Aside from extreme depression throughout all of this I really wanted to just die. Life really sucked and I didn't know why I was waking up everyday. The whole time GOD had his hand on me and protected me from myself and the world I was surrounding myself with. Senior year I started using marijuana as a self diagnosis to depression (*yeah right...*) and finally felt like I had conquered that darkness. A year and a half later I was friendless and begging God to show himself to me.

I don't know why I got the urge to spill my earliest memories of school and life with you all. That wasn't the goal when I set out to write tonight. I guess I am just learning just how big of an impact the little things of our childhood and history have the power to shape us and mold us. Characteristics I didn't have before are now so deeply apart of me that I get frustrated over them. Like wanting to run away when things get tough, shutting down completely when I am feeling anything other than happiness. Wanting to rescue every young woman who has been sexually abused and tell her how beautiful she is and how the power of Christ can change her life and give her hope. Oh, these things weigh heavy on my heart. However, I refuse to let them weigh me down. I pray over these things, for God to show me the purpose he has in them and for others to be removed completely.

My God is an awesome and mighty God. I am so hopeful knowing who he is and that I am on his team :).


Have an amazing and blessed night y'all.


♥cheche

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While the world is sleeping I am just getting home from service, church and dinner with a sister and completing night 11 of my circuit. I know it is extremely late and exercise is not something that one should do before bed but I feel so much more energetic and just overall content when I exercise and then wake up and start my day! After getting rid of my gym membership a few months ago (and deciding that Jesus loved me enough to give me a body that is not handicapped) I realized that the gym was not doing anything but taking a much needed thirty dollars from my account every month. Part of the split from the gym had a lot to do with how much food and exercise were tied into a previous relationship of mine. I think I wanted to just rebel against everything that THAT particular relationship had began to manifest itself as. 

So I ate donuts for a month in a half straight, wore the same sweats for a month straight, cried uncontrollably and at random moments and actually had moments where I felt sorry for even having emotions so that I could just continue on living my amazingly BLESSED life. 

So I made the split and it felt good to not have it for SEVEN whole months. I actually felt free and liberated. The illusion of my worth which I had began to accept as reality was so wrapped up in that darn GYM and EATING "good" and blah blah blah... We really don't need to get so into that :). Anyways the point is I am finally beginning to find out why CHE enjoys exercising and how I feel good taking care of me FOR ME. Rather than taking care of myself so that I may be appealing to someone else...Hopefully that made sense to someone out there. 

There has been a reoccurring theme in my life recently as well. God has provided me with this inward reflection and it is about my heart and prayer. I have a heart that desires my Lord so much but I really need to be praying MORE and with much more URGENCY. In the beginning of my walk with Jesus I can remember praying for hours sometimes just ignoring time and space and pouring out my heart. I can remember that desperation for his voice so deeply within that I could not even voice my desires I could only groan and cry out for him. It was the most amazing and scariest place to be because I was truly SOLD OUT for Christ in my prayer life. 

Lately prayers haven't had that effect. I know this makes me no less of a Christian woman but it certainly is something I think I should take a look at in regards to where I am now. I am really encouraged by this to start "spicing" up my prayer life. Maybe even focusing on something each day to pray about without ceasing and keep on the front of my mind for that day? Just as a reminder of what we are called to do as Christians. PRAY! Pray for one another and pray for those around us and our government and our nation, whomever and wherever that may be. I just realize that seasons come and go with God. Some seem dry and some are extremely ABUNDANT. However we may perceive it WE are the ones who are changing NOT JESUS. He is the same as yesterday, today and tomorrow! Our Eternal God. The firstborn of the dead :). These seasons are about CHOICES. They're about us choosing to keep after Christ, and if that means changing our devotional life up, using new prayer techniques or attending a new study or ministry at our church so be it. AMEN I just really want to always be moving FORWARD in this relationship, this true love I have. What a gift we have chosen to receive as his children grace and mercy... Our sanctification does not end until we are called out of this world! Accepting Christ is only the beginning so get up and start walking :)!!!

I am so in LOVE. I cannot imagine the Love I will share with my husband someday but I am praying it gives me everything I need to keep seeking my FIRST LOVE Jesus Christ and to not lose heart. There is a spiritual battle brewing for our souls you guys. We must be on guard and in the word and protecting ourselves because we are human and easily strayed!

Have a blessed day and Sunday and may Jesus reach out and touch each and everyone of your hearts on this day! In Jesus name.. LET IT BE TRUE amen :)

♥CheChe

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What a DAY!

Sadly I did not have the time to participate in MEGS MINGLE MONDAY YET! I still have until MIDNIGHT but I feel with work and school work that may not be accomplished.. Nonetheless I took a peek and let me just tell y'all that there is a large group of women over there who are ready to mingle and see your blog and maybe you will even gain some new willing and joyful followers as well. After all, we are here to write and share ourselves with the world through our blogs not to write and get the most followers or anything right?? ;). lol The Lord know I have pouted many a time at my lack thereof in all areas of my life so trust me, the blog has undergone unnecessary scrutiny from myself in that area. In the end God showed me that I am doing something that really brings me comfort and peace and most importantly it gives HIM all the glory and to that I can not allow my own pride and greed to get in the way. 

Today was amazing everyone. I know I have been quite the complainer or at least I have felt that way but God has his hand so deeply in our lives that I think sometimes we forget until we are literally watching him carry out his own will above ours. 

My English class was canceled today as a start. Yes, that was just a shock all in its own because English teachers do not play games and they are there every class on time ready to get your essays and look at your crookedly if you have no work to turn in. This was a BLESSING because I was able to see a girlfriend of mine whom I have recently began to see less of. Our hangout was definitely a divine appointment and no coincidence because from that I was really able to see just how weak I am in sharing my faith and telling other people what I am and am not comfortable with and WHY. The why being my Lord and Savior who has made me a new creation and that I literally can not stomach certain types of language or conversations anymore. Yet, I found myself unable to express this with a close friend and a young girl we had met. Instead I laughed uncomfortably not wanting to make them uncomfortable and did my "best" to not add anything that would leave me convicted or feeling apart of it.

Mission failed. Although I didn't necessarily sin I definitely was being taught a completely different lesson in obedience and speaking up in my FAITH. I know there is no condemnation but I was very disturbed by this revelation of self. Next month will be a year of me walking with Christ and I feel that I should be growing in my faith publicly and speaking out against things when called to, in the name of Jesus. I was definitely a weak type of Peter today denying my Lord for my own safety and comfort. Oh Lord, forgive me. I need the strength to speak out and up for your namesakes. 

The BLESSING that really came from this was my irrational decision to call up a sister who is becoming quite the little prayer warrior ;). I let her know I wanted to hang out and pray and we ended up talking and deciding to go get food after and pray before dinner instead of in my car on an empty tummy. Somehow within 5 minutes we decided to drive to our sisters house around the corner to pick her up (not having asked her yet) and get food and pray together. She claimed she looked a mess and had already eaten as well so we ended up in her house discussing various struggles in our walks and just opening up about love, life and what Christ is doing in our lives.

This was not on my menu for the evening but then this sister (and myself prior) actually felt lead to open up and for us to pray over anything we were allowing ourselves to hold on to because forgetting that it is all in our Lords hands to begin with tends to be something we all struggle with in different areas. The fact that we think we are holding on  to these hindrances as if any of them belong to us is the problem because we don't have the faith to willingly allow Christ to take it. We are not in control at all and God continually is reminding us through the sin or things we hold on to. Slowly he asks us to surrender and we are either caught off guard or our whole worlds are shaken because we can not imagine a life without our hands gripping this thing in our lives we are desperately trying to keep.

Something I particularly felt lead to share that I don't really surrender to God is my sexual abuse/molestation/attempted rape/rape? from my childhood. I always have felt alone about this because the one time I opened up to my ______ I was told I was a liar. It was the hardest thing I have ever swallowed. I was in 5th grade and I learned a false truth that night. That nobody could be trusted in this world. So much has came from that one night and the sexual issue alone that a lot of my testimony ultimately is linked back to that night. Those years of feeling so disgusting for no reason at all. False guilt and shame were my truths and boy does Satan love using these in the lives of women! We throw away our worth and accept these instead and the affect they can have are ones that usually lead to death, whether spiritually or physically. I was dead you guys for so long and the love of Christ woke me up. Just like the girl in Mark? When Jesus says she is only sleeping and then tells her "talitha* (young girl) awake!". And she awakes from what was surely her death bed. Oh I get chills just typing it. (to sleepy to look it up sorry!! it is either mark or luke??)

Tonight I learned that I have amazing sisters in my life who truly love our God. They are young women like me but when I sat in that living room the wisdom and love was nothing less than that of true disciples with the desire of God in their hearts. 

• I learned that I need to make an effort to pray for the sin that God has forgiven me of because I really have not forgiven myself completely. I need to pray for my families salvation with more urgency. 
• I need to pray for the love of Christ to overflow from me so that I may truly carry out his will according to his plan.
• I need to take myself out of my life and ask WHAT DOES GOD WANT? more/always. 
• I need JESUS so much it would be sick of me to think any area of mylife is fine if it has not been surrendered completely to him.
• I am really ready for the Love God wants me to have with him and for the man he has pcreated with me in mind :). 
• That I am being healed day by day and he will finish this work he has began in my life as well as yours.

Do not lose hope because you are loved by HIM, God would not have brought you to his feet without a plan and a purpose. He will relieve you of these things but he desires to hear us ask and rely on him for everything first! So be still and seek his face above all and he will heal you, guide you and love you the way only he knows how. God bless the Word of God and the faithful children whom have heard his call and obeyed. I am so blessed to be alive and able to appreciate all that he is tonight.. May God continue to reveal himself in our lives and to guide us! More of him and less of me is my overall prayer and lesson tonight ladies and gents. God bless you and keep you and be mindful you never know when God will have you be a blessing in the lives of others!!

♥cheche

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I don't have a lot of time BUT I just wanted anyone and everyone to know that the dark clouds DO eventually pass away. Light does shine through! Do not give up in doing what is good because the father sees you and he is overjoyed in all of your good works and all the good you possess in YOUR HEART! He looks first at the heart anyways right?

So I didn't really have a great day at school today. I had a headache that dominated me for a few hours. I think I am going to make an appointment and go to the doctors soon because I just don't want whatever is going on to get ANY worst than it needs too.

I have been asked to go to HAITI next summer!! I don't know if it is a definite thing so me and my girls will be meeting Fridays just so we can pray over it and other things we feel the Lord has put on our hearts and just strengthen our bonds through Christ. For whatever reason the Lord has brought me together in a different type of closeness with certain people and I know that ANYONE he has in my life is ONLY there because of him and therefore I should make sure that we are both seeking God with our hearts and building our friendships off him. Otherwise we will end up TRYING to be close on our own and boy, do we ALL know how that ends? lol You have your first mishap and everything crashes but with Christ ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE and he will never lead anyone into my life that he can not keep there. He does possess the power that overcomes DEATH after all. I really have been meditating on that. My father overcame death and has given me that SAME POWER??? Is that not the craziest thing y'all..

My Grandmother is amazing. Without disclosing too much she is just an amazing, strong and intelligent woman and I just feel so blessed to have spawned from such a marvelous creation. She is ONCE AGAIN (sadly...haha) helping me out of another situation. This time it was actually something that I wasn't even planning to worry about because there are just so many bigger things in this world but she has provided me with access to a phone and although I desperately want to say I am an independent 21year old and that I declined I decided to accept and it was humiliating but she immediately encouraged me and I didn't feel so bad for the gift. "That is what family is for." She said those words and I just felt so guilty for a second because I haven't been much help to my family. Thank God for his patience and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!! I know he loves me and all of this is really from him. My grandmother is only doing something we all struggle with. ALLOWING GOD TO USE US!! amen. We are our biggest obstacles and enemy in letting God use us. I'm so blessed!

I'm meeting up with a friend to get some food but I love you all and thank you for stopping by. Please keep Haiti and me in your prayers if you can!! If he leads me there I want to know that I am going STRICTLY to be used by him and not for my own selfish desires. The idea scares me in ways you cannot imagine so all prayers will CERTAINLY help the nerves :).


♥ cheche

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Things said and done ♥

The fact that I feel like I am failing at this whole blog thing is bothering me. To me, this began as an amazing outlet while I was struggling with my breakup. I found peace, and God really comforted me through this media as well, which was an amazing blessing. Now I feel as though maybe I should just pull out.


Today at work I felt pretty good. I had coffee and chocolate and I was extremely hyper and giddy all day because of it. The work day passed by swiftly and then I started to meditate on things.

I participated in gossip at work today about a new co-worker. After work I felt horrible. Gossiping or speaking of others when they are not around repulses me and I felt Satan waving my sin in my face as I left work. "What a great GODLY woman you are speaking of some one else and their character Che. Do not all fall short of Gods grace?"  I am not going to allow Satan to condemn me but I needed desperately to let that out. I just can't stand how full of wickedness I am, at times. I desperately want to be FREE of this world and the bondage of sin completely. God knows I want to just be full of nothing but light and perfect; but that is impossible. There is one who is perfect and that is Jesus Christ. So why do I beat myself up when I am only striving to be something I can never be and comparing myself to God?

For whatever reason school is stressing me out beyond relief. This semester I am being challenged and I feel so inadequate. Papers and quizzes and studying are weighing down on me. I don't feel like I am putting in my all. I'm scared that I am going to be another statistic. Another minority who starts what she will not finish. I feel like I will be in school forever sometimes and I will never earn the degree I desire. There is so much I worry about. There is so much I hold onto that is not mine. Is not my GOD bigger than all of this?

My ex did not wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday. For some reason I thought of "us" today. The old us. The us that saw no separation in the future and spent every moment of every day together. Then I felt remorse. How could I have wasted so much time with someone who from the beginning I knew was not the man for me? Now I think of other guys that I have met, some of which I like, and I feel hopeless in all kinds of ways. I feel like unless I lose the 20 pounds I did not have when I met my ex I will never catch the eye of a man. I feel stupid for liking this man I met recently. A big part of me is still insecure and can't seem to fathom being desired or loved. So maybe God plans for me to overcome this fully before he brings me to my beloved?







 (He is a Christian man btw. He is cute and dorky like me . Now I am crushing on him hard and worried about getting my hopes up. Guys have never really pursued me EVER. lol. But he seems to be a sweetheart with a heart for ministry. Why does my heart have to be so darn open? plus I have only been broken up for... well technically a year in November. But still.. ughh.. )

I feel pretty stupid and maybe my period is around the corner but I just am so overwhelmed with feelings that I just want to eat, cry and type. I sound crazy perhaps? I really don't care. i am so sick of thinking about the relationship that is dead. I am so sick of stumbling and getting back up. I am so sick of not believing in what I deserve and what I am owed as a child of God.

Lord, I need you so much. I pray to have you fully and allow no other substitutes. I pray to throw out all idols and all false hope. I love you Lord. Cleanse me. Make me new and change my heart. Open me to your word and your love. Be my everything Lord Jesus. Deliver me to you. I want to be who you've created me to be. I am so sick of loving the things of this world lord. I am so sick of wanting to know your will always. Guide me, use me and make me yours and only yours Lord. I put my life in your hands and I boy down to you and nothing else. Thank you lord. I love you.

♥cheche

p.s. is it just me or does Fall conjure up feelings of love and romance? I feel so hormonal but I also feel like love is right around the corner. REAL LOVE? Is that odd? ha ha

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Happy Birthday to Me :)

I had a dream last night! The Christian Club I am apart of at school was the only MAIN thing I remember. I found out they were all MORMON and it was too late to leave the club for some reason and I woke up extremely confused and scared. The organization that is running this Christian Club is BIBLESFORAMERICA. I have googled them and everything really seems to check out. They have this RECOVERY NEW TESTAMENT bible that some of them read but other than that I really don't know anything to think they are into something that is not biblical and not contradicting to Jesus and The Bible. Sorry I am so paranoid and cautious. We are supposed to be unified in the Body of Christ but I always meet these odd groups of believers who just don't sit right in my spirit. Right now I am focusing on just using DISCERNMENT and not jumping to JUDGMENT like I always have done in the past.

I'm learning discernment requires a lot more patience than Judgment does.

Saturday Night service was amazing last night. I just felt so apart of the service and I was able to meet a girl Rachel who was really struggling and really just needed to talk. When we aren't in the relationships God has called us to I don't think we will ever find PEACE ladies. Just a little lesson learned now passing it down. LoL I also really enjoyed looking at Mark 14:42-65?. Jesus often calls us to watch and or pray. These are the times where we can see God is calling us to just be patient and wait upon him. However, HE does not want us to rest with closed eyes (as in Mark in the garden before he is put on trial) because he is preparing us for something. If we enter into this new season without having been watchful and praying that can make the difference of cutting off an ear (peter) or fleeing from Jesus when the enemy strikes. Thankfully God is with us no matter what! So we know we will always have victory but the road for the disciples may have been extremely different had they been in prayer and watchful. Nonetheless we are able to learn from THEIR mistakes and be blessed by the wisdom found when we open up the WORD OF GOD. amen to that!--

love you all *written 9/19/10

___________________________________________________________________________________

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! I am officially 21 years old. This is a day I used to dream about when I was younger.. I thought life was amazing once you were 18 because you got to be considered an adult and 21 was when you would have the opportunity to be married or go to college or drive your car to get food (this was my 5th grade mentality). It also meant that you were somewhat different completely from the 9 year old child who dreamed of being 21. This I have found is true and false in soooo many ways.

As a 21 year old I am still dreaming. I dream of my future. I dream of the man GOD has destined me to marry. I dream of the day when I will be united with THE FATHER in his heavenly Kingdom. I dream of the day his Kingdom begins to reign on earth! I dream of the day sin is something of the past and long forgotten and the devil is damned and living in his rightful place in the ABYSS. I dream of my career and who I will be? I dream of finishing school. I dream of where I will live permanently. I dream of the day I move out of my Mothers home and begin my own journey outside of the nest. I dream of all sorts of things. I have not stopped dreaming and I pray that GOD allows me to keep my hopes and spirits alive until my last breath. The day we cease to dream is the day we cease to grow!

• Many things have changed as well. I am now a Woman of GOd, A servant of Christ, A believer, A follower, A Christian, an AWARE sinner. 
• I have had my first and only Boyfriend
• I have broken up with someone
• I have felt the pain of ending a relationship
• I have healed from that pain
• I have surrendered things to CHRIST I never thought were possible
• I have struggled with an eating disorder
• I have filled up 4 journals
• I have prayed publicly!?
• I have prayed for people I never thought I could
• I have had a photo shoot
• I began a blog! 
• I have bought my first car
• I have had my first car problem :(
• I have watched prayers be answered
• I have witnessed Miracles.
• I have learned to play Racquetball
• I have had a job for 2 years in December :) 

Being on the other side somehow feels the same. The excitement I had as a child has slowly dissipated over the years I guess. I have found that every season leaves something behind for the soul. A piece that only me and God can see left within me. I am overjoyed with the many years I have ahead, Lord willing. I wake up thankful for another day of Life given to me by the Lord. I never had this excitement as a child! There were nights I pleaded for the death I could not carry out. There were nights I prayed to not exist, to have never been born. Days full of pain, fear and self-loathing. I have been given a new heart, a new mind and a new life by my Lord Jesus Christ. This is the best gift I could ever receive and it truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

God has blessed me with some amazing friendships, reconnected me with Family and given my heart a growing passion for life. The things I once hoped for as a 9year old child have since been removed and replaced with his desires and hope. Am I ever glad for that! Here is to the next 9 years full of seasons and refinement. May the lord bless you all!!

Lord I thank you for all that you have and will do in my life. I thank you for your continuous and infinite LOVE. I thank you for breathing LIFE into me. I thank you for BELIEVING in me when I could not on my own. I thank you for blessing my life with your awesome guidance and wisdom and for keeping me close. Lord I pray to follow you and obey you precepts until the day that I day. I pray to put you first before all other life Lord Jesus. I pray to become more like you and less like me with each passing minute,hour and day. Lord align my will with yours. Grow me and Stretch me into your image Lord. Thank you so much for loving me and teaching me to love. You are my greatest love! In Jesus Name I pray this Prayer. Amen

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Vegan Apple pie and 1st time TICKET ♥

Just a little bit of random stream of consciousness. Please do not judge. I feel like releasing :).

Two days ago at approximately 820am I chose to drive in the carpool lane and as a result I was pulled over.

Yes, I ignored the HOLY SPIRIT screaming in my head like a gentle father about to watch his child fall off their bike. I told GOD to please be quiet. I need to get to work on time. Just this once I need to break the law, okay? 2  minutes later the SPIRIT quieted and asked me "why do you disobey"? I passed a highway patrol man and before he saw me I knew I was receiving my first ticket.

I am such a brat y'all. I thought I would tell GOD to be quiet? Seriously. I feared being late to work and getting written up by my boss more than JESUS CHRIST!? AM I CRAZY? Yes. But am I that crazy?? No! I am a stupid, sinful little child. I have definitely learned my lesson. God does not like to see us putting ANYTHING before him. He is quick to remind us that our lives lay in his hands not in our sight or own strength. I know these things. Knowing is nothing without faith and OBEDIENCE.

Today I saw _______ for the first time in a while. The last time was when we met for coffee. God, thank you so much for giving _______ a caring heart. There are so many out there who would not use their TRIPLE A to help their ex-girlfriend that broke up with them have her car towed. I really, really am so in love with the heart that  _______ has. When we talked today I, of course, was distant and kept it surface deep. I feel sometimes when I talk to _______ about what is important to me there often isn't much of an active response. That was something I often felt in our relationship. So, instead of being rude and getting upset, I listened to _______ talk and made responses and kept it friendly. _______ hardly noticed. A part of me wanted to let _______ know, "in the future, a girl wants to know she is being heard. Not just acknowledged in the fact that she did speak." But I felt that I should just keep my mouth tight on the topic.

I found myself looking into _______ amazing, blue eyes. Only, those blue diamonds were exactly that. Nice looking eyes. I didn't feel the urge to hug _______. I didn't desire _______ hand on mind. I felt a bit uncomfortable in the car that once was as comfortable as driving in my car. Things have changed. I am extremely thankful for this realization. I am and have moved on. Wow. Isn't that scary? That feeling of knowing that you are actually never going to be with that person again. That feeling of satisfaction in your heart-breaking choice? God is so great, and swift to heal. It really has not been that long since the cut-off took place. I could be in a much worst place today which is how I know that the GOD I serve is faithful and real.

There's a Christian Club on campus :). Not affiliated with the "other" Christian Club either. I am excited to join :). They meet the days that I am on campus. I talked to some of the girls and it felt really nice. Will whoever you are that is reading be praying for this. Since attending the "other" Christian Clubs church, I am very apprehensive about new CHRISTIAN churches, groups or anything with a Christian title. I am quick to judge and it is something I struggle with and until today had not prayed too much on. After speaking to the girls REVELATION and the letters to the new Churches was brought up. I thought of how GOD had something to say to all of the Churches. None of them were perfect. It was like a piece of beef in marinade and at the end of my math class it had been roasted to perfection. I immediately knew what God was telling me. ALL FALL SHORT! Unless a group is completely blaspheming God and HIS word I have no right to judge. I can differ, I can choose to stay away, but I have NO RIGHT as a SINNER SAVED BY GRACE to judge.

This is something that really changed the rest of the day. I feel how we are spiritually, leaks into the rest of our lives, sometimes. If I am always looking for faults in other believers or waiting to hear something that I do not agree with I will definitely be doing the same in the world with co-workers, clients, classmates...etc. I need to focus PURELY ON MY WALK WITH CHRIST. He will direct me. My job is to stay close and lean not on my own understanding. If I am confused then I need to ask him for help and he will speak to me like always. Whether it be through my faithful, amazing and extremely intelligent Grandmother who serves Jesus Christ or a stranger in a coffee shop or a thought unlike my own. HE will always deliver when it brings him glory.

a nice fat slice for the girl who drove illegally. Seriously, I really didn't deserve this pie. Thank you Madre :).

I had apple pie TUESDAY. I think my mom saw how upset and distraught I was over the TICKET I received. She allowed me to go get my favorite VEGAN APPLE PIE from WHOLE FOODS MARKET in her car and with her own money. My mom really is amazing. I know we never see our Mothers as perfect 24/7. I just think of how much weight she carries on her shoulders with raising me and my siblings and the roof she has provided on her own for so many years and I can't help but think how strong she is. I love her dearly and if she were to be taken from me I would not know what to do... Apple pies have always been my favorite desert and pastime dish. However, this apple pie is made with pure joy and happiness baked right inside. It is vegan and taste more delicious than the best non-vegan apple pies out there. And I have definitely tasted them all. I had a slice last night and boy did it lift my sore spirits.

oh, I got my first item for fall :). The scarf not the pie. I love it and I of course spent less than 5 bucks for it.

I decided to eat a slice before taking the picture :). So delicious!!

 

The pie was a hit at a potluck I went to as well. Most of the guys and girls there were not into anything vegan and had I told them before would have been apprehensive. But I brought two of these 7dollar goodies and everyone was RAVING over them. One guy made a joke after I said they were vegan "Don't force your beliefs on me." I thought that was funny. Vegan and Vegetarianism for many can be a sort of religion. Where all of a sudden everything under and about those categories is an idol. I see nothing wrong with this way of  living and eating, although for me personally, having suffered from an eating disorder I can't just jump into restrictive lifestyles with food. It is something I must pray on and make sure I am putting GOD first. I went vegan for about a month and a half and became a bit anxious and stressed over it. I had to stop and realize that God will always give you peace when you are in his will. I was on a very nice looking DIET. lol And diets are never permanent. LIFE CHANGES ARE!

anyways, I rambled and had an amazing time doing so! Please know that you are loved!! I think that simple truth can make such a difference in a woman or mans life. I know it did for me. I have not been the same since :).

ENJOY YOUR THIRSTY THURSDAY! 

LET THE LORD QUENCH YOUR THIRST!

♥cheche

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FASTING&HEARTS; AUGUST 18, 2010

SO... I'm in need of LOTS of prayer.

I woke up today and got into the word (FAITHFULLY). Because THE LORD knows I wanted to just jump straight on the computer and get on FACEBOOK. lol.

While I was praying before reading I really just felt the spirit tell me straight up to NOT GO to school. I know this sounds a bit odd but I really LOVE going to school. I pride myself on being able to get an education even if it does come from a GODLESS faculty. I may not enjoy homework but the act of LEARNING and STUDYING and growing mentally is really something I believe is quite powerful in this world. It's something that everyone deserves and in some parts of the world EDUCATION could set many of the oppressed free, if they had access that is.

Yet, here I am feeling lead to not go to college this semester. Which I have already enrolled in and signed up for and everything. I just don't know what to do, and I'm seriously not sure if I'm hearing correctly because it doesn't make any sense to me.

I've shared with you all that I have been praying over bible college for over a year now and I had it put on my heart but I didn't really know what to do about it because I'm in college already and I preferred the idea of getting my B.A or at least completing transferable units and then taking time off to pursue BIBLE COLLEGE. I feel stupid for even typing this because WHEN DOES FOLLOWING GOD ever make sense to us? I'm fighting this so much you guys. I'm on the verge of tears because I can't let go and just surrender to his will for me. Because it MAKES NO SENSE!!!

The School I'm looking at is Calvary Chapels Bible college in Marietta/Murietta. It's about an hour away which isn't a bus ride away if you get my drift. They start school the same day I do and I haven't registered nor do I know how I would be able to enroll financially. Its about 2 grand a semester afterall.

Ugh. BLEH!

So, I'm fasting today until I KNOW. Until Jesus makes his ways for me clear I am fasting. I struggled with eating issues in the past but I really feel no other option at this point but to take in nothing but him and water and wait upon him.  You guys I'm so scared. I want to be a college graduate. That has been a goal of mine since I can remember. I feel so utterly lost right now and it is all my doing because God isn't lost and he knows exactly what plans he has for me and I will carry them out whether I kick and scream or not. 

God, I do love you. And i do believe in you. I know your ways for me are pure and holy and perfect. But I need your strength in me Father. The strength that rose Jesus from the grave. I need to believe.. I need to Believe that you will deliver me safely. That you will protect me and you will not lead me anywhere I am not mean to be. God I just don't know what to do exactly. I know what you want of me but I don't know what to do? What about my job, my car payments. I decided to do a tour of the school with my good friend you've placed in my life Becky. But other than that LORD I still burn with the lack of peace that comes from not knowing. Oh god, take care of me. Deliver me to your arms lord. I love you so much Father. 

♥ Amen

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early morning (TEHEEHEE)

My current conundrum is LOVE LOST.

My heart is actually aching and the funny thing is, I broke up with him?

Well, let me

   clear things UP...

I broke up with him to focus purely on god SINCE i am a new believer and our relationship 9ish months ago was not that of a god pleasing and fearful couple.  I didn't realize that having an unevenly yolked relationship while trying to have a strong walk with the LORD will only be a burden when you are actually focused on GOD. I learned my first lesson which is you cannot have a relationship where one is running towards God while the other is doing , well something else.  I guess stagnant would be the appropriate word to use. I was a new believer and on fire and my partner was a believer who had strayed.

Anyways that was NOVEMBERish.  I am only now beginning to really FEEL the loss.

AND IT HURTS YOU GUYS.  We are both still friends and I love him more than any man next to the LORD and he is growing so tremendously. And it hurts because THAT is what I so desperately wanted when we were together. and i guess i have also learned that being faithful to god is not always easy nor does it make sense from our small human point of view.  But i can see that god is at a large work in my life today and NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT PAINS ME i must stay true to him and faithful because I know, he has a better plan for me than I do for myself.

                      Yet, this truth doesn't make it easier.

This all could be handled a lot differently, of course if I had a life without GOD.  I made a life altering choice the day I accepted him into my HEART and gave my life to CHRIST and the situations that used to BAFFLE me with abounding hopeless thoughts are now situations of purpose. EVENTS all leading to the next stage of life that god has predestined before me.

I cried my eyes out today and yesterday. And i even talked to my ex about what I was feeling and that helped because for me it got everything out in the open so that he could understand the way I was aCting and treating him. I feel like I should definitely be OVER HIM.  People have always said when you break up that person is meant to be in your past for a reason. But I guess for now he isn't? I don't have any answers and whenever I try to carry out MY WILL FOR MYSELF I wind up hurt, confused and in a worst place than I was to begin with. LOL

i also know that IF god has that in store for me than he will deliver me to that place and for now I just need to surrender the situation entirely to his haNds and pray to be in his will.

I am learning and growing so much but i NEED PRAYER and I am far from perfect and FAR from alright with everything that is going on in my life right now.  I just know that I am comforted when I am reminded of who MY GOD is. and just how powerful he is and what a great and faithful deliverer he is. this is my hope and my rock. This is my comfort in CHRIST<3

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