I am often reminded of things.
Sometimes they pertain to me.
Sometimes they pertain to the me who has shaped the me I know today.
I am often reminded of things.
Things I feel. Things I saw. Things I felt. Things I see.
I am often reminded of things.
Things around me. Things behind me.
Things I have chosen to be lost.
I was walking around 11:00 p.m. with Jose. We were talking the whole way.
What exactly was said?
You were my first TANGIBLE crush. I never told you this of course.
You were the first guy to look at me when I spoke and listen to what I had to say, as if I had only important things to speak of. You made me feel STRONG. Not tough. Strength from the power of trust and friendship. I felt the strength that my father had desperately tried to nurture, just from talking to you.
You listened Jose. You looked in my eyes. I never felt "silly". Although, I am, one who was and now has become a very silly, silly girl. You were REAL.
Your the first man aside from _______ whom I ever looked in the eyes and admitted my feelings too! Yes, I remember that day. Samantha and Trina were still the "new" neighbors. You were an old, new friend, of my older brothers. Your skin was so pale against your jet black coiffure. I liked that a lot. I laugh thinking of you Jose. You barely understood Spanish? You didn't care to learn either. Your father had taught your mother when they were together though. Now I can see, you were rebelling against who your father was and not against your culture.
You were never dull...
The day you asked me-- Actually, how did I give it away? We were all hanging out... We were talking about people? What did I say in front of you? How did you know?
That moment you asked me if I was referring to you, when I spoke of whom I liked earlier, JOSE, I desperately want to know how you knew!! Looking back at you through the eyes of a child, at the tender age of 11, I can see you asked with the answer in mind. You knew! So why did you ask?
That was the day I fell in love with you. You weren't just the attractive friend of an older sibling, Jose. You were real. You saw me hurting and sought to help me. You were the older brother I never had growing up. You loved me, maybe not at to the extent I once dreamed of, but you did... Didn't you?
Trina was soon your girlfriend. She was my new friend. She was desirable. I was not. This was my understanding. I had learned through this event that I was an amazing girl to befriend. I was an amazing girl to open up to. People could talk to me. Guys loved to talk to me, and share themselves with me. My friends were and would always be the ones men DESIRED. I was not desirable.
Reasoning allowed me to see, this new perspective as one full of optimism, in reality. I could gain close relationships with men, who mostly would always be out of my league, and develop strong relationships with them and put to death the delusions of any type of "romantic" relationship. I was a very wise 11year old child. I carried this mindset throughout highschool Jose.
I felt at ease with that defense mechanism of mine. Perhaps it is the reason why I kept my virginity throughout high school? Perhaps this lesson, this event, of my dream of you and me, being robbed by your interest in Trina, was exactly what GOD needed in order for me to not end up pregnant or on the path that would make so many more barriers to finding him...?? Yes, God had his hand on me. After all, you were 3 or 4 years older than me right? Not the ideal time for a relationship.
We walked that night to FOOTHILL HIGH. ha ha. It was not necessarily right down the street but it was within a comfortable walking distance on a warm night with a friend. A beautiful friend in whom I trusted con mi corazon Jose, could you remind me of THOSE things that took place after our arrival?
The things that were unseen. The things that I felt, yet, I cannot recall...
The way you looked at me when we were on the campus?
The flavor soda you bought from the schools vending machine?
Jose what was it like to escape with me?
That is what you were doing right?
Why else? Why else waste your time with a young, naive child. I was always mature for my age but there was a connection we both did not understand wasn't there?
Do you remember any of it? The time I told you Darren said I had nice eyes. I lied BTW. Darren and I were close but I am pretty sure I lied to see how you would react. You agreed as you looked at my eyes, "You do have nice eyes..." My heart melted that night.
Can I be nosy and ask you about something dear to my heart and mind?
Why did you hug me that night? Why did you stare into my eyes at a distance I have only shared with _______? A distance I have only appreciated with one other guy and desired with a few along the way. Jose, had you kissed me that night, with tears in your eyes, I do not know who I would be today.
Did you love Trina? She broke up with you. I knew it was coming. You cried. You were so torn apart. I have never thought you were as attractive as you were that night by my house, tears streaming. I heard the news and gave you time. Charles went outside to see you, Samantha as well. I waited until you were all alone. I walked with you to the front gate of our home. We talked? Then I walked you across the street. You seemed so vulnerable you did not even protest to me walking you. lol.
You only lived a skip away--We were so safe in our little block of friends weren't we??
I miss that small town within the city feel. I have not experienced it since. You said I should probably get home and I agreed. I gave you a hug and before we embraced I lightly said, "It is going to be okay Jose". I smiled at you, because I meant it.
I had healed from the "betrayal". I had accepted you and Trina and realized I was still alive and we were all okay. I knew you would be alright. How, well that, I did not know nor suspect in the way in which it was carried out. Nonetheless, I embraced you. You rested your head on my neck? I felt like I was dizzy and floating in a dream. I/You unlocked my/your head from mine... we stared at each other. You were close enough to Eskimo kiss for a second or two. You looked at me with longing. I did not understand. I wanted you to want me, to want to date me, to be my first and only boyfriend. "I should go home now, I'll talk to you tomorrow though?" I said this all as I felt my life come to a halt.
WE hugged once more like this the night before I moved. Yeah, we hugged like that the night I moved. I started dancing and you said I don't dance. ha ha I laughed and you said something sweet that made me laugh. I think? I know I believed at that moment that I would remember every moment we shared that year. Later I would also see you when I attended summer school in Orange. But things weren't the same.
Now you have a family. A daughter and maybe another young one. I forget what my mom told me the last time she saw you. Your probably an amazing father. I can only imagine. I CAN only imagine.
Life was something that existed in that time.
Life was something that existed in our time.
Life was something that meant less when you weren't around.
These are the things. The things I said.
These are the things. The things I say.
The things in which other things arise. The things upon most of me derives.
I loved you the same as I love you no more.
A passing moment, a fleeting heartbeat. An unforeseen friendship sprouting
from my first TRUTH.
You were real Jose. So real that you still exist in time. In our time. A time I will always remember. A time I will soon forget. A time already lost, filled with the gaps of age. Oh Jose, thank you for those amazing days. I am truly happy for whatever blessings you have received in life. My love for you still exists, only now my love is not a selfish love.
Love,
an old, dear, friend.
