OUTSPOKEN!

That isn't something I really thought was a problem.
But...
Apparently that is just how I come off to people.

"STRONG, INTIMIDATING, OUTSPOKEN, STRAIGHT-FORWARD, BLUNT, TRUTHFUL..."-words often used by others to describe me

I know that I have always had strong beliefs about EVERYTHING.
I mean give me a topic and I will research it JUST to have an opinion.
BUT...
This temperament of mine hasn't always made me best friends with others.
And in all honesty I was often confused and hurt by these bumps in the friendship road.
WHY DON'T THEY LIKE ME?
In particular, with ladies and gentlemen.
I tend to not get along with sexist, narrowminded, jerk-type men.

They have never liked me.

It is almost as if they can smell the lack of naivety I am willing to display for the sake of their attention.

This part of my personality is a blessing to me though.
Repelling jerks and mean men is quite the attribute.
PRAISE GOD.

....

...

..

.

 Women on the other hand.

This is tricky.
Because I LOVE women.

One second...

I meant to say, I  LOVE WOMEN!!!

We are amazing.

I love that we can trust one another because we GET IT.

We understand the cramps, cravings, mild mood swings, struggles and all the other beautiful things that are SUPPOSED to unite us and not divide us. 

I love women of intelligence.

Who have a voice and are willing to admit when they don't necessarily have an opinion on a topic.

Women who are willing to turn from the cute guy in their life and listen to you pour out your heart on whatever topic is burdening you.

Women who believe in making SISTERS and not just friends.

I know what I am describing is quite rare...
Well, at least in ORANGE COUNTY.
BUT THIS IS THE HOPE I HAVE IN US AS WOMEN.
This is what I strive for.

And I know that you can't attract people like this unless it something that you uphold yourself.

I see all the warfare and attacks made upon us.

And I see how the enemy truly seeks to divide us because we are quite powerful.

Don't forget that ADAM only took that bite because HIS beautiful Eve was asking Him too.

I can only imagine how persuasive and the power she held over her man.

Anyway, I digress...

"I am not for everyone."
Someone once told me this.
To my face.
I respect this women and YES we are still good friends.

It hurt at the moment.
But I get it now.
I'm not made for the shallow relationships we have grown to accept as "FRIENDSHIPS".

And without even trying to say that I stand for I speak volumes in being true to who I am...
 

I wish I could BE for everyone.
The people pleaser in me wants YOU ALL TO LOVE ME.
But you don't. And I get it!!
I really do.


I don't have it all together.
I suck at communicating.
I enjoy being alone more than calling every second.
I don't like talking about my personal life and what I did with so-n-so when we hung out.
I think it is rude to constantly ask "WHO I AM TALKING TO" when I answer a text or call while you were in the bathroom or not nearby.
I think it is rude to not apologize while you text mid sentence during our conversation.
ONLY THAT YOU DON'T APOLOGIZE. Not the texting.
I make jokes to avoid silence.
I blab and ramble the thoughts on my head and then apologize for taking away from your time because I want you to be happy with me and the conversation we are having.
WEIRD?
YES!
That is me.
AND I TRULY AM PRAYING TO REFLECT CHRIST MORE AND MORE.
I am quite frankly one of the most socially awkward people I know.
AND up until this week I thought it was "cool".
Because sometimes I always picture life as a movie and what scenes would be funny or engaging...etc... etc..
And awkward people are funny in film...
...

Yes. This is who I am.

I love letting people know that I am laughing.
Or struggling.
So I constantly am erasing all of my LOL's and HA HA HA's.
And debating on deleting a blog post about how horrible I am doing.


YES~ THIS IS THE GIRL YOU ARE FOLLOWING.
I really understand if you just click UNFOLLOW after all this.
It would make sense. haha

This post isn't really following to well but I am not done yet.

I am at a point in life where I am sick of stereotypical women.
For example. This is a an example of women I can never quite understand...

A woman I know is constantly complaining.
Let us call her Jane and say the complaint is about the men in her life.
She doesn't understand why they are always blowing her off and nothing ever works out.
She goes out with them, they hook up and everything seems perfect.
But now they aren't responding to texts or phonecalls?
They are always "BUSY"...
...
..
.

This Jane goes out of her way to tell me all of this.
I never asked but because I am always willing to listen I hear this.
I nod and listen and then I am prompted with the typical "WHAT DO I DO...?"

Well, to all the Janes here is an FYI.
YOU ASK PEOPLE THIS QUESTION ONLY WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR AN OPINION ON THE MATTER. lol Seriously... I get in trouble here sometimes.

So I respond "Well, have you ever thought that maybe there is a pattern going on?"
Jane: "what do you mean by pattern?"
me: Meaning that maybe there is something you could be doing that attracts these certain guys?

Here is where I mess up. People don't want to think they are in the wrong at all. Especially in relationships and dating.

Jane: No, I mean I'm just myself and I'm the same way. I just want a guy who is real and isn't going to just bail.
Me; When do they tend to bail or start playing games?
Jane: I don't know Che. It just happens....

AND I LEAVE IT AT THAT!
I know that people who aren't Christian obviously don't understand that sleeping with every guy that thinks your cute isn't the road to success and marriage...
I get it.
I don't preach I just like to get people to question their roles.

Is that so harmful?
Is that too blunt?
I don't know what I am trying to say.
Truly I don't know what this post is about even.
 I may just delete it.


But I believe the gist of these uncontrolled thoughts is that I have a strong personality. And contrary to what I want to believe not everyone can handle it.

AND. I accept that.
I accept that "I AM NOT FOR EVERYONE".
 You know why.
Because in the midst of perhaps turning a few people off.
I have a handful of real sisters and friends who can appreciate that in all of my flaws I hold back in nothing.
I am unique and different.
And I can say that the people who love me and seek to spend time with me and the girls that walk the lake with me, go see a film with me, meet me for coffee JUST because they want to have a conversation with me.

These women truly love ME.
Because that is all that I am.
I could put on a facade and change faces in order to please you all.
But instead I keep the ugly and real Che on 24/7 and take the risk of winning and losing some.




I hope that made sense.
I was just overwhelmed with the urge to speak out about who I am.

And I really want to encourage you ladies out there.
People don't NEED to love you and want to be around you.
It is okay that there are one or two people at school or church who seem to sigh with annoyance when your around.
And who knows. 
Perhaps it is in your head?
All I know is that GOD made you the way that HE SAW FIT.
Your not perfected until HIS GLORY IS REVEALED IN ALL OF ITS RICHNESS and we are with HIM FOREVER IN ETERNITY.

So pray, read your BIBLE, ask GOD TO TRANSFORM YOU INTO HIS IMAGE (not a better version of yourself for this world) and be blessed knowing that everyday no matter how much you mess up or say the wrong thing, or in my case SAY TOO MUCH, that GOD LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE and there is not a thing HE WOULD CHANGE.

Your beautiful and unique in your creation.
And God only desires a REAL, INTIMATE, PERSONAL relationship with YOU! The crazy, loud and annoying girl you just might be.




Thanks for reading.
I'm going to resist the urge to delete and say sorry.




♥cheche

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Rough Times ♥

Are a happening.
But then I visited the lovely Jami over at The Carswell Canvas and got a bit dare I say... ENCOURAGED!

"Provision is easy for God. He WILL provide! But, the UPGRADE we get is in this time[ the rough times in my case].

Where we press in and ask Him what He is showing us and who He gets to be for us that He couldn't have been without the rough time."

Being the nerd that I am I did a bit of revising just to make it easier for you readers to follow along.
This is a quote she posted on her page from a conversation she had with a friend.
If God had her post this for one reason I know it was so my eyes would be drawn to it.

I am definitely going through a "rough time".



QUICK LIFE RECAP

• Recently my main system of human support was uprooted by Christ himself and sent out into Africa.
• I was supposed to go and ready and willing and then the LORD did not open the door for me.
• I am now here in the states knowing that God has obviously kept me here for His will and purpose.
• Secretly I was praying GOD would reveal himself mightily to me in my loneliness

Well, God has definitely gotten to work. I not only am feeling pressure from every angle right now in life but I have really been tested. The biggest thing to date is the demise of a friendship that happened around 1amish yesterday.

I just feel like sometimes no matter how unedifying or discouraging a relationship can be I want to desperately see the good in a relationship I have with someone I love. BUT love isn't enough without CHRIST. Being unequally yolked with unbelievers really is something that God is revealing I should not take lightly. I know I have flaws and that I can never be the perfect friend. However, I try so hard to stay in this persons good graces and walk on eggshells just to make sure that they are happy and as soon as I don't live up to the expectations or make a mistake in their eyes I'm called out as if I were the worst thing in their life.

AND FINALLY.
I let it go.
I let go of that relationship.
I still want them to be saved.
I want them to know the Lord.
I will pray for them continually...
But I am no longer of any use to them.
God I believe allowed me to go through that so that I could be released.

Yes. I want to cry a little and kinda moan and complain because I call my friends sisters for a reason.
I am now at a place where I don't have that security.
With no one but God to take my petition and complaints too.

I have lived through many friends sadly. 

I'm only twenty-one but I feel as if I have lived a life of someone 10 years older.

I truly am selfish. That is at the core of who I am.

I think of myself...A lot.

I struggle with body image I mean obviously I have vanity in my blood.

Not down playing my eating disorder just spitting truth.

But I know my worth.

I don't need to keep chasing people who don't really value me.

Who only see my flaws and are so quick to passive aggressively attack me.

Who can forgive horrific offenders but scold me for my spill.

I'm just over having people in my life JUST to have them.

Don't we come to a point in our age where we just want authenticity at its ugliest and nothing less?

And that is what Christ has given me.

But I still would rather squeeze and hold tight to a friend that doesn't want me as I am just for the sake of friendship.

So here I am.

Not alone.

Although I may feel a bit alone.

Christ is with me.

My sisters are across the globe.

My church family is full of people who probably want to become closer.

I know that there is more to life than people pleasing even if it makes you hurt.

But up until now I wasn't aware that I could let go.

I know I am not making much sense but this is definitely in the line of "Diary Entries". I'm just rambling.

All I really wanted to say was that I'm struggling a bit.

I know that I am where God wants me to be.

And I know that I need to draw near to Him in this time.

But I still really hurt because I want so desperately to have all my friends be transparent.

And humble.

And boast in the Lord and not of the things in this world or themselves.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I STRIVE TO BE.

Oh, Lord.

Help me make sense of this...

Why Lrod must I, why must I continually have casualties???

WHY must I lose someone so dear? 

God I want to depend fully on you and forsake the things of this world.

I want to be your best friend and live for you and serve you whole-heartidly.

Please Lord, break my heart and loosen any bondage or chains this world still has around me.

Let your glory unfold in my life.

I know these suffering are nothing when I look to heaven and who I am in your sight.

Please strengthen me in you Christ.

I don't need friends and to be loved by all.

I want to be loved by you.

Till eternity.

That is all I got.

Sorry for the randomness and hard to follow rant.

I just had to let it out ya know?

I know that Lord will provide a way out of this and in time I will see what all that I am going through is for.

All I know is that my hope is in HIM who created me and HE will not leave me incomplete, He will finish the work He has begun and I will  dig into Him and draw nearer to Him and look to him for refuge as my heart continues to be broken of myself. Praise God for this small refinement. May His fruit be born!!

"Provision is easy for God. He WILL provide! But, the UPGRADE we get is in this time[ the rough times in my case].

Where we press in and ask Him what He is showing us and who He gets to be for us that He couldn't have been without the rough time."

♥cheche

 

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CheChe feels..

....
That there are few things that make her uncomfortable. I'm naturally an awkward person and I just sort of embrace it.
But tonight I came into Church a bit late. I watched X-Men, dropped my friend back off at home then headed to MONDAY NIGHTS LIVE.
I was feeling good and thinking about how different it will be to not have my girls around who are leaving to Africa for 2months.

And then it happened. I opened my eyes and looked to my left and watched a man who looked like my ex walking down the aisle to his seat.
As I watched I thought this man bore such a strong resemblance to my ex.
Then I thought "oh cracker jacks"! 
That is my ex!

There is much to say on what took place after this realization set in. One was that I definitely thought I was over the whole relationship and had definitely moved on. I guess I thought I was past any type of feelings at all.
But tonight I realized that I am still not entirely over him...

I know this man is not the one.
I know that he isn't someone I would want as a husband.

But I just never got real closure.
I never really had a complete and clear ending.
And tonight I looked at him as he said hello and thought "when will  this feeling die?"

Quite frankly God, I would love nothing more than to look at him and just feel joy for another brother in faith coming to hear your word. I would love to talk to him and have nothing but pure love and peaceful thoughts as I caught up with him.
I would love to be happy to see him.
I would love to not care whether he is near me or not...
I would love to not remember ever being with him Lord.
I would love to forget it all and just be another friend of his.

But here I am writing a blog post. Because I'm too prideful to just fall on my face and weep over the feelings that I can't seem to purge from my heart. Feelings of having once thought I was going to marry that guy. Feelings of remembering our first kiss. Holding his hand and at one time believing that he would be my first and therefore my last....

Lord I really don't like these feelings. They feel like baggage. And I want to be rid of them. I know that there is a special man you have for me. A man who is faithful and righteous and loves you with his whole heart. God I know that you are working out something in me through this and I thank you for whatever it is.

Lord, I just wish I didn't care at all.
As if I never knew him...

Forgive me Lord but that is my truth for this moment.

Does anyone know what I mean?

Here are some pictures of some amazing tacos I've enjoyed and a breakfast I enjoyed with my mom. I love snapping quick photos of good food. It is quite the hobby.

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♥ [Just a Thought of Love] ♥

the hope of HIM shines within me brighter than the Sun...

I didn't grow up appreciating my family. Well, perhaps at one time I was really happy to have a family. But for the most part my memories are scattered images of me wanting so desperately to be anywhere but with them. I think after the incident of sixth grade I really isolated myself from allowing any connection between my family and myself to be made. I would go into my room in 6th and 7th grade and eat something delicious (and often unhealthy...hehe) and watch the Food Network Channel desperately wanting to be a cook and have my own show.

I would go into my room and watch movies... [This is still something I truly love to do as an escape] Before senior year those movies were usually thrillers and horror flicks. Stuff that allowed me to see the darkness I was surrounded by manifested on screen. It felt safe to be in my room looking into a television and traveling from the walls that surrounded me. 

I would go into my room and read books that I liked. My junior year I met a girl with beautiful red hair. She was Christian. I let it all out on her one day on a drive from doing something together that I can't remember exactly. I told her something deep and personal and to this day I really don't remember the words or topics but I was vulnerable for about 5 whole minutes. She told me about Nicholas Sparks and gave me a few books. I read them all. I cried for the first time out of hope, love and beautiful fantasies that I knew would never come true for me.

I would go into my room and do these things HIGH. By senior year I was smoking weed about 2x a day at least. It didn't seem like a lot then compared to my other pothead friends but I was pretty much HIGH until I went to bed. I would watch movies high and lonely. I would do my homework on my bed stoned. I would read Nicholas Sparks books inebriated and emotional... I would cry. I would mourn the life I had but couldn't seem to fully experience. And the whole time I never once thought to reach out to my mother, my brothers or my sister.

I was alone with a family of four other people surrounding me. 

I got caught smoking once and only. My mom asked me after she told me to pack my bags and get out "WHY?? Why would you do this??? In the house??? Why??" 

Through tears I yelled at her "BECAUSE I'M DEPRESSED! I'm DEPRESSED MOM!!! I hate my life...!!"

That was the most honest conversation I had ever experienced with my mom. I was reaching out for that one moment. And she didn't understand it. She looked confused.

A week later she let me back in the house, of course, under the grounds I not smoke in the house.

My main point in writing all of this stream of thought to you strangers that I have grown to LOVE, ADORE, APPRECIATE, ADMIRE and TRUST is that I know it wasn't my FAMILY that was to blame. I know that my mom due to whatever life she lived before us and with my Father have greatly affected her. She loves me the best way she can. She loves me despite how many "deep" conversations I've always felt we could never have. She loves me even though I rebelled and resisted doing anything good as a youth. She loves me despite... Despite it all...

Sin has been passed on throughout the ages. It entered the world in the first betrayal of God and has only grown and multiplied over the 21 centuries. It has spread throughout families been passed on through lineages.

This is truly the culprit. It isn't my mother, it isn't the person that took away my innocence before I could ever truly experience it. It isn't the weed in and of itself. IT isn't because we were dealt a bad hand in life. It isn't because I'm black. I'm a woman. I'm young. I'm old. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm clumsy :).


Everything I ever dreamed is coming true in my life. I have more hope than I have in the last 15 years of my life. I have true joy in my life. I get the best SPIRITUAL HIGH of being in God's presence, reading His word, Hearing His voice and receiving His blessings. I am in LOVE with the life He has given me in loving Him. I have been set free!

The darkness we live in as His creation is something that can and will be overcome when we allow His blood to wash us clean. When we open our calloused hearts to His supreme and reigning Love.

Sin may be reigning in your life but my GOD, my Savior Jesus has overcome it all and today I get to live in that victory!!

Thank you for reading. I just had this thought on my way home and thought would share.

♥ CheTreAnna ♥

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Vegan Apple pie and 1st time TICKET ♥

Just a little bit of random stream of consciousness. Please do not judge. I feel like releasing :).

Two days ago at approximately 820am I chose to drive in the carpool lane and as a result I was pulled over.

Yes, I ignored the HOLY SPIRIT screaming in my head like a gentle father about to watch his child fall off their bike. I told GOD to please be quiet. I need to get to work on time. Just this once I need to break the law, okay? 2  minutes later the SPIRIT quieted and asked me "why do you disobey"? I passed a highway patrol man and before he saw me I knew I was receiving my first ticket.

I am such a brat y'all. I thought I would tell GOD to be quiet? Seriously. I feared being late to work and getting written up by my boss more than JESUS CHRIST!? AM I CRAZY? Yes. But am I that crazy?? No! I am a stupid, sinful little child. I have definitely learned my lesson. God does not like to see us putting ANYTHING before him. He is quick to remind us that our lives lay in his hands not in our sight or own strength. I know these things. Knowing is nothing without faith and OBEDIENCE.

Today I saw _______ for the first time in a while. The last time was when we met for coffee. God, thank you so much for giving _______ a caring heart. There are so many out there who would not use their TRIPLE A to help their ex-girlfriend that broke up with them have her car towed. I really, really am so in love with the heart that  _______ has. When we talked today I, of course, was distant and kept it surface deep. I feel sometimes when I talk to _______ about what is important to me there often isn't much of an active response. That was something I often felt in our relationship. So, instead of being rude and getting upset, I listened to _______ talk and made responses and kept it friendly. _______ hardly noticed. A part of me wanted to let _______ know, "in the future, a girl wants to know she is being heard. Not just acknowledged in the fact that she did speak." But I felt that I should just keep my mouth tight on the topic.

I found myself looking into _______ amazing, blue eyes. Only, those blue diamonds were exactly that. Nice looking eyes. I didn't feel the urge to hug _______. I didn't desire _______ hand on mind. I felt a bit uncomfortable in the car that once was as comfortable as driving in my car. Things have changed. I am extremely thankful for this realization. I am and have moved on. Wow. Isn't that scary? That feeling of knowing that you are actually never going to be with that person again. That feeling of satisfaction in your heart-breaking choice? God is so great, and swift to heal. It really has not been that long since the cut-off took place. I could be in a much worst place today which is how I know that the GOD I serve is faithful and real.

There's a Christian Club on campus :). Not affiliated with the "other" Christian Club either. I am excited to join :). They meet the days that I am on campus. I talked to some of the girls and it felt really nice. Will whoever you are that is reading be praying for this. Since attending the "other" Christian Clubs church, I am very apprehensive about new CHRISTIAN churches, groups or anything with a Christian title. I am quick to judge and it is something I struggle with and until today had not prayed too much on. After speaking to the girls REVELATION and the letters to the new Churches was brought up. I thought of how GOD had something to say to all of the Churches. None of them were perfect. It was like a piece of beef in marinade and at the end of my math class it had been roasted to perfection. I immediately knew what God was telling me. ALL FALL SHORT! Unless a group is completely blaspheming God and HIS word I have no right to judge. I can differ, I can choose to stay away, but I have NO RIGHT as a SINNER SAVED BY GRACE to judge.

This is something that really changed the rest of the day. I feel how we are spiritually, leaks into the rest of our lives, sometimes. If I am always looking for faults in other believers or waiting to hear something that I do not agree with I will definitely be doing the same in the world with co-workers, clients, classmates...etc. I need to focus PURELY ON MY WALK WITH CHRIST. He will direct me. My job is to stay close and lean not on my own understanding. If I am confused then I need to ask him for help and he will speak to me like always. Whether it be through my faithful, amazing and extremely intelligent Grandmother who serves Jesus Christ or a stranger in a coffee shop or a thought unlike my own. HE will always deliver when it brings him glory.

a nice fat slice for the girl who drove illegally. Seriously, I really didn't deserve this pie. Thank you Madre :).

I had apple pie TUESDAY. I think my mom saw how upset and distraught I was over the TICKET I received. She allowed me to go get my favorite VEGAN APPLE PIE from WHOLE FOODS MARKET in her car and with her own money. My mom really is amazing. I know we never see our Mothers as perfect 24/7. I just think of how much weight she carries on her shoulders with raising me and my siblings and the roof she has provided on her own for so many years and I can't help but think how strong she is. I love her dearly and if she were to be taken from me I would not know what to do... Apple pies have always been my favorite desert and pastime dish. However, this apple pie is made with pure joy and happiness baked right inside. It is vegan and taste more delicious than the best non-vegan apple pies out there. And I have definitely tasted them all. I had a slice last night and boy did it lift my sore spirits.

oh, I got my first item for fall :). The scarf not the pie. I love it and I of course spent less than 5 bucks for it.

I decided to eat a slice before taking the picture :). So delicious!!

 

The pie was a hit at a potluck I went to as well. Most of the guys and girls there were not into anything vegan and had I told them before would have been apprehensive. But I brought two of these 7dollar goodies and everyone was RAVING over them. One guy made a joke after I said they were vegan "Don't force your beliefs on me." I thought that was funny. Vegan and Vegetarianism for many can be a sort of religion. Where all of a sudden everything under and about those categories is an idol. I see nothing wrong with this way of  living and eating, although for me personally, having suffered from an eating disorder I can't just jump into restrictive lifestyles with food. It is something I must pray on and make sure I am putting GOD first. I went vegan for about a month and a half and became a bit anxious and stressed over it. I had to stop and realize that God will always give you peace when you are in his will. I was on a very nice looking DIET. lol And diets are never permanent. LIFE CHANGES ARE!

anyways, I rambled and had an amazing time doing so! Please know that you are loved!! I think that simple truth can make such a difference in a woman or mans life. I know it did for me. I have not been the same since :).

ENJOY YOUR THIRSTY THURSDAY! 

LET THE LORD QUENCH YOUR THIRST!

♥cheche

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here's to moments that we carry in our ♥

I am often reminded of things.

Sometimes they pertain to me.

Sometimes they pertain to the me who has shaped the me I know today.

I am often reminded of things.

Things I feel. Things I saw. Things I felt. Things I see.

I am often reminded of things.

Things around me. Things behind me.

Things I have chosen to be lost.

I was walking around 11:00 p.m. with Jose. We were talking the whole way. 

                    What exactly was said? 

You were my first TANGIBLE crush. I never told you this of course. 

You were the first guy to look at me when I spoke and listen to what I had to say, as if I had only important things to speak of. You made me feel STRONG. Not tough. Strength from the power of trust and friendship. I felt the strength that my father had desperately tried to nurture, just from talking to you.

You listened Jose. You looked in my eyes. I never felt "silly". Although, I am, one who was and now has become a very silly, silly girl. You were REAL.

Your the first man aside from _______ whom I ever looked in the eyes and admitted my feelings too! Yes, I remember that day. Samantha and Trina were still the "new" neighbors. You were an old, new friend, of my older brothers. Your skin was so pale against your jet black coiffure. I liked that a lot. I laugh thinking of you Jose. You barely understood Spanish? You didn't care to learn either. Your father had taught your mother when they were together though. Now I can see, you were rebelling against who your father was and not against your culture. 

You were never dull...

The day you asked me-- Actually, how did I give it away? We were all hanging out... We were talking about people? What did I say in front of you? How did you know?

That moment you asked me if I was referring to you, when I spoke of whom I liked earlier, JOSE, I desperately want to know how you knew!! Looking back at you through the eyes of a child, at the tender age of 11, I can see you asked with the answer in mind. You knew! So why did you ask?

That was the day I fell in love with you. You weren't just the attractive friend of an older sibling, Jose. You were real. You saw me hurting and sought to help me. You were the older brother I never had growing up. You loved me, maybe not at to the extent I once dreamed of, but you did... Didn't you?

 Trina was soon your girlfriend. She was my new friend. She was desirable. I was not. This was my understanding. I had learned through this event that I was an amazing girl to befriend. I was an amazing girl to open up to. People could talk to me. Guys loved to talk to me, and share themselves with me. My friends were and would always be the ones men DESIRED. I was not desirable. 

Reasoning allowed me to see, this new perspective as one full of optimism, in reality. I could gain close relationships with men, who mostly would always be out of my league, and develop strong relationships with them and put to death the delusions of any type of "romantic" relationship. I was a very wise 11year old child. I carried this mindset throughout highschool Jose.

I felt at ease with that defense mechanism of mine. Perhaps it is the reason why I kept my virginity throughout high school? Perhaps this lesson, this event, of my dream of you and me, being robbed by your interest in Trina, was exactly what GOD needed in order for me to not end up pregnant or on the path that would make so many more barriers to finding him...?? Yes, God had his hand on me. After all, you were 3 or 4 years older than me right? Not the ideal time for a relationship.

We walked that night to FOOTHILL HIGH. ha ha. It was not necessarily right down the street but it was within a comfortable walking distance on a warm night with a friend. A beautiful friend in whom I trusted con mi corazon Jose, could you remind me of THOSE things that took place after our arrival? 

The things that were unseen. The things that I felt, yet, I cannot recall...

The way you looked at me when we were on the campus? 

The flavor soda you bought from the schools vending machine? 

Jose what was it like to escape with me? 

That is what you were doing right?

Why else? Why else waste your time with a young, naive child. I was always mature for my age but there was a connection we both did not understand wasn't there?

Do you remember any of it? The time I told you Darren said I had nice eyes. I lied BTW. Darren and I were close but I am pretty sure I lied to see how you would react. You agreed as you looked at my eyes, "You do have nice eyes..." My heart melted that night.

Can I be nosy and ask you about something dear to my heart and mind?

Why did you hug me that night? Why did you stare into my eyes at a distance I have only shared with _______? A distance I have only appreciated with one other guy and desired with a few along the way. Jose, had you kissed me that night, with tears in your eyes, I do not know who I would be today.

Did you love Trina? She broke up with you. I knew it was coming. You cried. You were so torn apart. I have never thought you were as attractive as you were that night by my house, tears streaming. I heard the news and gave you time. Charles went outside to see you, Samantha as well. I waited until you were all alone. I walked with you to the front gate of our home. We talked? Then I walked you across the street. You seemed so vulnerable you did not even protest to me walking you. lol. 

You only lived a skip away--We were so safe in our little block of friends weren't we??

I miss that small town within the city feel. I have not experienced it since.  You said I should probably get home and I agreed. I gave you a hug and before we embraced I lightly said, "It is going to be okay Jose". I smiled at you, because I meant it. 

I had healed from the "betrayal". I had accepted you and Trina and realized I was still alive and we were all okay. I knew you would be alright. How, well that, I did not know nor suspect in the way in which it was carried out. Nonetheless, I embraced you. You rested your head on my neck? I felt like I was dizzy and floating in a dream. I/You unlocked  my/your head from mine... we stared at each other. You were close enough to Eskimo kiss for a second or two. You looked at me with longing. I did not understand. I wanted you to want me, to want to date me, to be my first and only boyfriend. "I should go home now, I'll talk to you tomorrow though?" I said this all as I felt my life come to a halt.

WE hugged once more like this the night before I moved. Yeah, we hugged like that the night I moved. I started dancing and you said I don't dance. ha ha I laughed and you said something sweet that made me laugh. I think? I know I believed at that moment that I would remember every moment we shared that year. Later I would also see you when I attended summer school in Orange. But things weren't the same.

Now you have a family. A daughter and maybe another young one. I forget what my mom told me the last time she saw you. Your probably an amazing father. I can only imagine. I CAN only imagine. 

Life was something that existed in that time.
Life was something that existed in our time.

Life was something that meant less when you weren't around.

These are the things. The things I said.

These are the things. The things I say.

The things in which other things arise. The things upon most of me derives.

I loved you the same as I love you no more.
A passing moment, a fleeting heartbeat. An unforeseen friendship sprouting

from my first TRUTH. 

You were real Jose. So real that you still exist in time. In our time. A time I will always remember. A time I will soon forget. A time already lost, filled with the gaps of age. Oh Jose, thank you for those amazing days. I am truly happy for whatever blessings you have received in life. My love for you still exists, only now my love is not a selfish love. 

Love, 

 

an old, dear, friend.

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