Rough Times ♥

Are a happening.
But then I visited the lovely Jami over at The Carswell Canvas and got a bit dare I say... ENCOURAGED!

"Provision is easy for God. He WILL provide! But, the UPGRADE we get is in this time[ the rough times in my case].

Where we press in and ask Him what He is showing us and who He gets to be for us that He couldn't have been without the rough time."

Being the nerd that I am I did a bit of revising just to make it easier for you readers to follow along.
This is a quote she posted on her page from a conversation she had with a friend.
If God had her post this for one reason I know it was so my eyes would be drawn to it.

I am definitely going through a "rough time".



QUICK LIFE RECAP

• Recently my main system of human support was uprooted by Christ himself and sent out into Africa.
• I was supposed to go and ready and willing and then the LORD did not open the door for me.
• I am now here in the states knowing that God has obviously kept me here for His will and purpose.
• Secretly I was praying GOD would reveal himself mightily to me in my loneliness

Well, God has definitely gotten to work. I not only am feeling pressure from every angle right now in life but I have really been tested. The biggest thing to date is the demise of a friendship that happened around 1amish yesterday.

I just feel like sometimes no matter how unedifying or discouraging a relationship can be I want to desperately see the good in a relationship I have with someone I love. BUT love isn't enough without CHRIST. Being unequally yolked with unbelievers really is something that God is revealing I should not take lightly. I know I have flaws and that I can never be the perfect friend. However, I try so hard to stay in this persons good graces and walk on eggshells just to make sure that they are happy and as soon as I don't live up to the expectations or make a mistake in their eyes I'm called out as if I were the worst thing in their life.

AND FINALLY.
I let it go.
I let go of that relationship.
I still want them to be saved.
I want them to know the Lord.
I will pray for them continually...
But I am no longer of any use to them.
God I believe allowed me to go through that so that I could be released.

Yes. I want to cry a little and kinda moan and complain because I call my friends sisters for a reason.
I am now at a place where I don't have that security.
With no one but God to take my petition and complaints too.

I have lived through many friends sadly. 

I'm only twenty-one but I feel as if I have lived a life of someone 10 years older.

I truly am selfish. That is at the core of who I am.

I think of myself...A lot.

I struggle with body image I mean obviously I have vanity in my blood.

Not down playing my eating disorder just spitting truth.

But I know my worth.

I don't need to keep chasing people who don't really value me.

Who only see my flaws and are so quick to passive aggressively attack me.

Who can forgive horrific offenders but scold me for my spill.

I'm just over having people in my life JUST to have them.

Don't we come to a point in our age where we just want authenticity at its ugliest and nothing less?

And that is what Christ has given me.

But I still would rather squeeze and hold tight to a friend that doesn't want me as I am just for the sake of friendship.

So here I am.

Not alone.

Although I may feel a bit alone.

Christ is with me.

My sisters are across the globe.

My church family is full of people who probably want to become closer.

I know that there is more to life than people pleasing even if it makes you hurt.

But up until now I wasn't aware that I could let go.

I know I am not making much sense but this is definitely in the line of "Diary Entries". I'm just rambling.

All I really wanted to say was that I'm struggling a bit.

I know that I am where God wants me to be.

And I know that I need to draw near to Him in this time.

But I still really hurt because I want so desperately to have all my friends be transparent.

And humble.

And boast in the Lord and not of the things in this world or themselves.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I STRIVE TO BE.

Oh, Lord.

Help me make sense of this...

Why Lrod must I, why must I continually have casualties???

WHY must I lose someone so dear? 

God I want to depend fully on you and forsake the things of this world.

I want to be your best friend and live for you and serve you whole-heartidly.

Please Lord, break my heart and loosen any bondage or chains this world still has around me.

Let your glory unfold in my life.

I know these suffering are nothing when I look to heaven and who I am in your sight.

Please strengthen me in you Christ.

I don't need friends and to be loved by all.

I want to be loved by you.

Till eternity.

That is all I got.

Sorry for the randomness and hard to follow rant.

I just had to let it out ya know?

I know that Lord will provide a way out of this and in time I will see what all that I am going through is for.

All I know is that my hope is in HIM who created me and HE will not leave me incomplete, He will finish the work He has begun and I will  dig into Him and draw nearer to Him and look to him for refuge as my heart continues to be broken of myself. Praise God for this small refinement. May His fruit be born!!

"Provision is easy for God. He WILL provide! But, the UPGRADE we get is in this time[ the rough times in my case].

Where we press in and ask Him what He is showing us and who He gets to be for us that He couldn't have been without the rough time."

♥cheche

 

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here's to moments that we carry in our ♥

I am often reminded of things.

Sometimes they pertain to me.

Sometimes they pertain to the me who has shaped the me I know today.

I am often reminded of things.

Things I feel. Things I saw. Things I felt. Things I see.

I am often reminded of things.

Things around me. Things behind me.

Things I have chosen to be lost.

I was walking around 11:00 p.m. with Jose. We were talking the whole way. 

                    What exactly was said? 

You were my first TANGIBLE crush. I never told you this of course. 

You were the first guy to look at me when I spoke and listen to what I had to say, as if I had only important things to speak of. You made me feel STRONG. Not tough. Strength from the power of trust and friendship. I felt the strength that my father had desperately tried to nurture, just from talking to you.

You listened Jose. You looked in my eyes. I never felt "silly". Although, I am, one who was and now has become a very silly, silly girl. You were REAL.

Your the first man aside from _______ whom I ever looked in the eyes and admitted my feelings too! Yes, I remember that day. Samantha and Trina were still the "new" neighbors. You were an old, new friend, of my older brothers. Your skin was so pale against your jet black coiffure. I liked that a lot. I laugh thinking of you Jose. You barely understood Spanish? You didn't care to learn either. Your father had taught your mother when they were together though. Now I can see, you were rebelling against who your father was and not against your culture. 

You were never dull...

The day you asked me-- Actually, how did I give it away? We were all hanging out... We were talking about people? What did I say in front of you? How did you know?

That moment you asked me if I was referring to you, when I spoke of whom I liked earlier, JOSE, I desperately want to know how you knew!! Looking back at you through the eyes of a child, at the tender age of 11, I can see you asked with the answer in mind. You knew! So why did you ask?

That was the day I fell in love with you. You weren't just the attractive friend of an older sibling, Jose. You were real. You saw me hurting and sought to help me. You were the older brother I never had growing up. You loved me, maybe not at to the extent I once dreamed of, but you did... Didn't you?

 Trina was soon your girlfriend. She was my new friend. She was desirable. I was not. This was my understanding. I had learned through this event that I was an amazing girl to befriend. I was an amazing girl to open up to. People could talk to me. Guys loved to talk to me, and share themselves with me. My friends were and would always be the ones men DESIRED. I was not desirable. 

Reasoning allowed me to see, this new perspective as one full of optimism, in reality. I could gain close relationships with men, who mostly would always be out of my league, and develop strong relationships with them and put to death the delusions of any type of "romantic" relationship. I was a very wise 11year old child. I carried this mindset throughout highschool Jose.

I felt at ease with that defense mechanism of mine. Perhaps it is the reason why I kept my virginity throughout high school? Perhaps this lesson, this event, of my dream of you and me, being robbed by your interest in Trina, was exactly what GOD needed in order for me to not end up pregnant or on the path that would make so many more barriers to finding him...?? Yes, God had his hand on me. After all, you were 3 or 4 years older than me right? Not the ideal time for a relationship.

We walked that night to FOOTHILL HIGH. ha ha. It was not necessarily right down the street but it was within a comfortable walking distance on a warm night with a friend. A beautiful friend in whom I trusted con mi corazon Jose, could you remind me of THOSE things that took place after our arrival? 

The things that were unseen. The things that I felt, yet, I cannot recall...

The way you looked at me when we were on the campus? 

The flavor soda you bought from the schools vending machine? 

Jose what was it like to escape with me? 

That is what you were doing right?

Why else? Why else waste your time with a young, naive child. I was always mature for my age but there was a connection we both did not understand wasn't there?

Do you remember any of it? The time I told you Darren said I had nice eyes. I lied BTW. Darren and I were close but I am pretty sure I lied to see how you would react. You agreed as you looked at my eyes, "You do have nice eyes..." My heart melted that night.

Can I be nosy and ask you about something dear to my heart and mind?

Why did you hug me that night? Why did you stare into my eyes at a distance I have only shared with _______? A distance I have only appreciated with one other guy and desired with a few along the way. Jose, had you kissed me that night, with tears in your eyes, I do not know who I would be today.

Did you love Trina? She broke up with you. I knew it was coming. You cried. You were so torn apart. I have never thought you were as attractive as you were that night by my house, tears streaming. I heard the news and gave you time. Charles went outside to see you, Samantha as well. I waited until you were all alone. I walked with you to the front gate of our home. We talked? Then I walked you across the street. You seemed so vulnerable you did not even protest to me walking you. lol. 

You only lived a skip away--We were so safe in our little block of friends weren't we??

I miss that small town within the city feel. I have not experienced it since.  You said I should probably get home and I agreed. I gave you a hug and before we embraced I lightly said, "It is going to be okay Jose". I smiled at you, because I meant it. 

I had healed from the "betrayal". I had accepted you and Trina and realized I was still alive and we were all okay. I knew you would be alright. How, well that, I did not know nor suspect in the way in which it was carried out. Nonetheless, I embraced you. You rested your head on my neck? I felt like I was dizzy and floating in a dream. I/You unlocked  my/your head from mine... we stared at each other. You were close enough to Eskimo kiss for a second or two. You looked at me with longing. I did not understand. I wanted you to want me, to want to date me, to be my first and only boyfriend. "I should go home now, I'll talk to you tomorrow though?" I said this all as I felt my life come to a halt.

WE hugged once more like this the night before I moved. Yeah, we hugged like that the night I moved. I started dancing and you said I don't dance. ha ha I laughed and you said something sweet that made me laugh. I think? I know I believed at that moment that I would remember every moment we shared that year. Later I would also see you when I attended summer school in Orange. But things weren't the same.

Now you have a family. A daughter and maybe another young one. I forget what my mom told me the last time she saw you. Your probably an amazing father. I can only imagine. I CAN only imagine. 

Life was something that existed in that time.
Life was something that existed in our time.

Life was something that meant less when you weren't around.

These are the things. The things I said.

These are the things. The things I say.

The things in which other things arise. The things upon most of me derives.

I loved you the same as I love you no more.
A passing moment, a fleeting heartbeat. An unforeseen friendship sprouting

from my first TRUTH. 

You were real Jose. So real that you still exist in time. In our time. A time I will always remember. A time I will soon forget. A time already lost, filled with the gaps of age. Oh Jose, thank you for those amazing days. I am truly happy for whatever blessings you have received in life. My love for you still exists, only now my love is not a selfish love. 

Love, 

 

an old, dear, friend.

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