No Apologies ♥

For the things I cannot be.
For the way I cannot do things.
For the heart that beats within me.

I will no longer feel sorry about this last one.

That I love JESUS CHRIST more than I express.

More than I show my family at times.

More than I show my co-workers.

More than I show other Followers/Christians/Disciples...etc.

I will NOT apologize...

I cannot APOLOGIZE.

To apologize is to DENOUNCE the life I've freely been given.

OLD MISSING CHAPTERS BIBLE. R.I.P

oH, HEY new lovely clutch looking bible ;).

I won't keep quiet as you taunt others who shout HIS name from rooftops.
"FOR THEIR 'RELIGIOUS' BEHAVIOR".

What I seek is not religion from my LORD.
I SEEK HIM.
FULLY, 100% HIM!!!
I desire to know HIM.
TO be more like HIM.
TO touch His face.
TO wash His feet.
I DESIRE HIM MORE THAN I COULD EVER FULFILL.

I can't keep quiet.
I must tell you this.
I must tell you that MY LIFE IS NO LONGER MINE.

I must tell you that despite myself and my weaknesses and flaws HE IS ALL THAT LIFE IS WORTH LIVING FOR...

I am not the girl who is perfect.

I am not the woman who has it together.

I am not the friend that always loves you right.

I am not the daughter who cleans up perfectly after herself.

I am not the sister who remembers to turn off the hallway light.

I am not the sister who is as responsible as you need her to be.

I am not the sister who was available for 10 years of her life.

I am not the daughter who maintained a 4.0 gpa after elementary.

I am not the daughter who loved you enough in Middle School.

I am not the daughter who made you proud throughout highschool.

I am not...
I am not...

As tears fall down my face, I plead with you...
To know that I cannot apologize.
I just can't live in this apologetic state for you.
I can't live to please you above HIM.
I can't fulfill this idea of what you need me to be.

I can tell you that I try.
I truly, truly try and constantly find myself doing it all wrong.
Not doing enough.

I see who I am.
For the last 12 years I have seen myself through YOUR eyes.
ALL OF YOU.
That is the idea of myself I have been carrying.

But I can't anymore.

I just can't carry that weight.
I can't hold myself to your view because it breaks my soul to try.
It breaks my tear ducts as the flood flows heavily.

It just hurts, because JESUS is all I can give you.
And even that I DO NOT DO ENOUGH OF.


I will never be a size XS or S.
I will never be a model.
I will never be rich.
I will never be "IMPORTANT".
Whatever that means.


I'm just really feeling heavy hearted right now guys.
I won't apologize for this rant despite the urge too.
I'm just so sick of trying to live to please people.
I'm so sick of myself and letting myself down.
I just want to share the LORD.
I just want to share LOVE.
I just want to...
I don't even know how to explain this all.

I am not apologizing. He is the way, the truth and life.
I CAN NOT BE ASHAMED.
I will not be discouraged.

By His marks, I am healed and sealed.

semi-formal night

I just ask you all for prayer.
For my walk.
For my family.
For my mind.
And for my LIFE.
I just ask you all for prayer.

Thank you.

♥CheChe 

click here to see what I participated in and info on how to read all the other ladies who BLOGGED across America and warmed cold hands and hearts this past week. REALLY BLESSED ME :).

The pictures are a collaboration of what I've been doing on my vacation that ends this coming TUESDAY. I'm not too good at taking pictures outfit wise but I got a full bathroom shot of an outfit I wore to do something sometime this week. :) blessings!

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OUTSPOKEN!

That isn't something I really thought was a problem.
But...
Apparently that is just how I come off to people.

"STRONG, INTIMIDATING, OUTSPOKEN, STRAIGHT-FORWARD, BLUNT, TRUTHFUL..."-words often used by others to describe me

I know that I have always had strong beliefs about EVERYTHING.
I mean give me a topic and I will research it JUST to have an opinion.
BUT...
This temperament of mine hasn't always made me best friends with others.
And in all honesty I was often confused and hurt by these bumps in the friendship road.
WHY DON'T THEY LIKE ME?
In particular, with ladies and gentlemen.
I tend to not get along with sexist, narrowminded, jerk-type men.

They have never liked me.

It is almost as if they can smell the lack of naivety I am willing to display for the sake of their attention.

This part of my personality is a blessing to me though.
Repelling jerks and mean men is quite the attribute.
PRAISE GOD.

....

...

..

.

 Women on the other hand.

This is tricky.
Because I LOVE women.

One second...

I meant to say, I  LOVE WOMEN!!!

We are amazing.

I love that we can trust one another because we GET IT.

We understand the cramps, cravings, mild mood swings, struggles and all the other beautiful things that are SUPPOSED to unite us and not divide us. 

I love women of intelligence.

Who have a voice and are willing to admit when they don't necessarily have an opinion on a topic.

Women who are willing to turn from the cute guy in their life and listen to you pour out your heart on whatever topic is burdening you.

Women who believe in making SISTERS and not just friends.

I know what I am describing is quite rare...
Well, at least in ORANGE COUNTY.
BUT THIS IS THE HOPE I HAVE IN US AS WOMEN.
This is what I strive for.

And I know that you can't attract people like this unless it something that you uphold yourself.

I see all the warfare and attacks made upon us.

And I see how the enemy truly seeks to divide us because we are quite powerful.

Don't forget that ADAM only took that bite because HIS beautiful Eve was asking Him too.

I can only imagine how persuasive and the power she held over her man.

Anyway, I digress...

"I am not for everyone."
Someone once told me this.
To my face.
I respect this women and YES we are still good friends.

It hurt at the moment.
But I get it now.
I'm not made for the shallow relationships we have grown to accept as "FRIENDSHIPS".

And without even trying to say that I stand for I speak volumes in being true to who I am...
 

I wish I could BE for everyone.
The people pleaser in me wants YOU ALL TO LOVE ME.
But you don't. And I get it!!
I really do.


I don't have it all together.
I suck at communicating.
I enjoy being alone more than calling every second.
I don't like talking about my personal life and what I did with so-n-so when we hung out.
I think it is rude to constantly ask "WHO I AM TALKING TO" when I answer a text or call while you were in the bathroom or not nearby.
I think it is rude to not apologize while you text mid sentence during our conversation.
ONLY THAT YOU DON'T APOLOGIZE. Not the texting.
I make jokes to avoid silence.
I blab and ramble the thoughts on my head and then apologize for taking away from your time because I want you to be happy with me and the conversation we are having.
WEIRD?
YES!
That is me.
AND I TRULY AM PRAYING TO REFLECT CHRIST MORE AND MORE.
I am quite frankly one of the most socially awkward people I know.
AND up until this week I thought it was "cool".
Because sometimes I always picture life as a movie and what scenes would be funny or engaging...etc... etc..
And awkward people are funny in film...
...

Yes. This is who I am.

I love letting people know that I am laughing.
Or struggling.
So I constantly am erasing all of my LOL's and HA HA HA's.
And debating on deleting a blog post about how horrible I am doing.


YES~ THIS IS THE GIRL YOU ARE FOLLOWING.
I really understand if you just click UNFOLLOW after all this.
It would make sense. haha

This post isn't really following to well but I am not done yet.

I am at a point in life where I am sick of stereotypical women.
For example. This is a an example of women I can never quite understand...

A woman I know is constantly complaining.
Let us call her Jane and say the complaint is about the men in her life.
She doesn't understand why they are always blowing her off and nothing ever works out.
She goes out with them, they hook up and everything seems perfect.
But now they aren't responding to texts or phonecalls?
They are always "BUSY"...
...
..
.

This Jane goes out of her way to tell me all of this.
I never asked but because I am always willing to listen I hear this.
I nod and listen and then I am prompted with the typical "WHAT DO I DO...?"

Well, to all the Janes here is an FYI.
YOU ASK PEOPLE THIS QUESTION ONLY WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR AN OPINION ON THE MATTER. lol Seriously... I get in trouble here sometimes.

So I respond "Well, have you ever thought that maybe there is a pattern going on?"
Jane: "what do you mean by pattern?"
me: Meaning that maybe there is something you could be doing that attracts these certain guys?

Here is where I mess up. People don't want to think they are in the wrong at all. Especially in relationships and dating.

Jane: No, I mean I'm just myself and I'm the same way. I just want a guy who is real and isn't going to just bail.
Me; When do they tend to bail or start playing games?
Jane: I don't know Che. It just happens....

AND I LEAVE IT AT THAT!
I know that people who aren't Christian obviously don't understand that sleeping with every guy that thinks your cute isn't the road to success and marriage...
I get it.
I don't preach I just like to get people to question their roles.

Is that so harmful?
Is that too blunt?
I don't know what I am trying to say.
Truly I don't know what this post is about even.
 I may just delete it.


But I believe the gist of these uncontrolled thoughts is that I have a strong personality. And contrary to what I want to believe not everyone can handle it.

AND. I accept that.
I accept that "I AM NOT FOR EVERYONE".
 You know why.
Because in the midst of perhaps turning a few people off.
I have a handful of real sisters and friends who can appreciate that in all of my flaws I hold back in nothing.
I am unique and different.
And I can say that the people who love me and seek to spend time with me and the girls that walk the lake with me, go see a film with me, meet me for coffee JUST because they want to have a conversation with me.

These women truly love ME.
Because that is all that I am.
I could put on a facade and change faces in order to please you all.
But instead I keep the ugly and real Che on 24/7 and take the risk of winning and losing some.




I hope that made sense.
I was just overwhelmed with the urge to speak out about who I am.

And I really want to encourage you ladies out there.
People don't NEED to love you and want to be around you.
It is okay that there are one or two people at school or church who seem to sigh with annoyance when your around.
And who knows. 
Perhaps it is in your head?
All I know is that GOD made you the way that HE SAW FIT.
Your not perfected until HIS GLORY IS REVEALED IN ALL OF ITS RICHNESS and we are with HIM FOREVER IN ETERNITY.

So pray, read your BIBLE, ask GOD TO TRANSFORM YOU INTO HIS IMAGE (not a better version of yourself for this world) and be blessed knowing that everyday no matter how much you mess up or say the wrong thing, or in my case SAY TOO MUCH, that GOD LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE and there is not a thing HE WOULD CHANGE.

Your beautiful and unique in your creation.
And God only desires a REAL, INTIMATE, PERSONAL relationship with YOU! The crazy, loud and annoying girl you just might be.




Thanks for reading.
I'm going to resist the urge to delete and say sorry.




♥cheche

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Finally...

A day off tomorrow.
Thank you Jesus for that because I am desperately on the verge of going insane.
My feet hurt...
But they don't stop hurting like they used to.
I just wake up and they hurt and hurt more throughout the day.
One of my jobs is also driving me insane.
I really feel unappreciated and just disrespected to be quite honest.
God had to remind me of what He did on the cross for me.
And then I remembered that in this life we will be hurt and we will suffer and people will treat us differently.
Truthfully, I'm not being persecuted and the way I am being treated has absolutely nothing to do with my FAITH and everything to do with ME, MYSELF and I.

The cross.
This is where my eyes need to stay otherwise Che is throwing a self-pity party and ready to yell or snap or tell off anyone within reach.
The cross.
This is where my life is layed down.
Surrendered.
My soul is redeemed, purchased and made new.
My heart is broken here and filled with Christ.
His Spirit works in me best when I am looking to HE did on the cross.
Because it is then and ONLY then that I am completely unaware of who I am and the world around me.
When my eyes are on his hanging body.
Beaten, bruised and pierced in my NAME.
For the sake of LOVE.
I am fully aware of CHRIST and HIS OVERWHELMING AND ABUNDANT LOVE FOR ME AND THIS WORLD.

Then it happens.
My tears are wiped.
My gaze looks up and I turn my head wondering if all have not fallen on their knees in awe.
AND I REALIZE JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE WANDERED AWAY.
ARE HAPPY HE DIED.
COULD CARE LESS.
DON'T BELIEVE HE DIED FOR THEM...
And I get angry with the world.
I get angry with what others are doing and how much they DON'T LOVE MY SAVIOR.
And I start living in that anger and self-righteousness.
I act in anger.
I wake up in anger.
I work in anger.

But it is the LOVE of Christ that wishes to operate fully in me.
It is HIS love for me and this world that wishes to wake me and work in me.
NOT ANGER.
NOT SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.


I love you guys.
I love this blog and how raw and real I can be without my stutter and awkward personality interrupting my thoughts.
Such a blessing.

I know that I may seem to really beat myself up but I don't really believe in editing my thoughts when they're flowing right from my head to this page.
Everything I type I just have to type and release.
Because this is one of the few places I can say it and not get crazy feedback.
Or weird looks and stares.
Maybe some of you know what I mean...
 :)

thanks for reading loves!
May God keep you and draw you in deeper into love and faith with HIM.

ALL OF MY HOPE IS IN YOU GOD...

♥CheChe

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Diversity ♥

In light of just me wanting to really share what is on my mind I am doing what I am doing today. Hope it sheds light and gives you all some insight into this controversial and overlooked and underrated topic. :)

As you all I am a woman. You also know that I am in my twenties (*maybe you didn't...). I have a job and I love the color pink. I am devoted to seeking Christ despite the outlook and I have been given victory in overcoming an eating disorder that very well could have taken my life. I struggled with depression and self-worth was at the root of it because I had no worth.

Growing up I didn't see many black women in the media. I remember watching television as a child and an interview with the then young and fresh TYRA BANKS came on. I don't know what they discussed but she was beautiful. She looked kinda like me (she was brown...) and she was respected and loved and everyone seemed to like her. I didn't grow up understanding that black was beautiful. Tyra Banks became a bit of an idol after that. I wanted to read everything about her and I felt proud of her. Even as a elementary school student I could see that she was special and different.

Fast forward to high school and I wasn't really a big fan of Tyra Banks but I had began to recognize that here in Orange County being black was something new to people. I remember hearing a then close guy friend say he could never date a black woman. "I couldn't handle it.. Black women can be so mean... Black women are this...and that".

People always seemed to expect something from me. Yes, I am funny. No. It doesn't have to do with my skin color. In that case why is Jim Carey hilarious? Because he is white. No. See?

I always had expectations from first encounters. People expected me not to take anything from anyone. So... I didn't. People expected me to be loud and whenever I was it was because I was black. Jokes were made out of ignorance and because I didn't know any better I really didn't stand up for myself. I was made fun of at the expense of my race. I never hated the race I was born into. In fact, I loved it. I love the color of my skin. The need to tan has never crossed my mind. But I never felt comfortable being black. I always felt like I wasn't the right black or that my black wasn't good enough.

Being an African-American I even experienced this within my own ethnicity in school. Girls from different areas or backgrounds would hold each other up to standards. "What? You can't do this dance? What...You don't know what this means...?" NOBODY EVER WANTED TO BE CALLED WHITEWASHED. It was the ultimate slap in the face. But I never understood that one either because I loved my white friends and my Mexican and Asian friends. What was so bad about them? Why was that word such a bad word in our community? It really angered and hurt me. But that was reality...

I was just so confused. I didn't know who I was allowed to be so I was everything that everyone wanted me to be. I was EXTRA "BLACK" when expected, calm and quiet when appreciated, LOUD and MEAN when provoked. I was never just "Chetreanna".

I was looking at the sites that I have joined such as WEHEARTIT and BLOGSPOT and TUMBLER and PINTEREST... I was looking at the fashion that both myself and my peers love. I didn't really find too much color and it kind of struck a cord. I believe all women are created beautiful no matter the ethnicity and I love the uniqueness that comes from not looking the same. But it hurts to know that the generation being born today still is getting a bad hand. The diversity within the media and fashion world is just ridiculous. WE shouldn't have to pick up magazines designated and devoted to giving exposure to black, mexican, asian models. We are women!!! There is no race or color in that world. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL... There is no root to a specific type when that word is written, yet society is desperately doing exactly that.


Thin, pale, black, yellow, white, pink, curvy, skinny, tall, short, green-eyed, brown-eyed... There is so much that we are saying to the young women of this world in these ads. I just hate it. I truly hate that some girls don't understand that they are BEAUTIFUL despite the images portrayed as beautiful that exist in the world today.

I can go on and on. I am not against the skinny, the curvy, the white, the Mexican I am just so sick of not being able to see diversity in it all. I am sick of the black communities holding each other up to expectations of what truly validates them as an African-American woman or man. I am sick of the racist and bigoted exceptions we have in America. I am just sick and tired you guys.

I don't know if this rambling made any sense but coming from Orange County this was something that I had to deal with on my own for so long.

Thankfully Christ makes things new and He has really shown me that my skin color does not dictate the way I dress, talk or carry myself at all. MY culture may affect that but my skin color does not make CHETREANNA the woman she is. God does. He is the author and He is the architect and when He made me and every other beautiful woman on this planet He was pleased.




What if?

beautiful picture but nasty ciggy

All I see is just another shade of beauty. Every shade is just as important as the other...

♥ Chetreanna

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Che and her RAMBLES

Just Some Rambles :) ♥

• My  name is CHE'TREANNA (pronounced SHAY-TREE-AH-NA)
• I've always liked my nickname CHECHE given to me in 8th/9th grade by a friend I soon started calling DAIDAI(dayday) 
• I am pretty eccentric and eclectic in my style, taste and personality
• Christ is my LIFE; I filter all of my thoughts through his LIVING WORD and am constantly talking(praying) to HIM throughout my days
• I AM SATISFIED THAT I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT :). WHICH IS SOOO FREEING &hearts
• THANK YOU JESUS!
• I have laughed so hard this past week hanging with sisters that my abs were actually sore!
• ACTING is something that I enjoy and I dream of being in a CHRISTIAN movie/play/tvshow someday even if just as a walk-on
• I am studying NUTRITION and PSYCHOLOGY
• My hearts desires have become to help enable girls to LOVE THEMSELVES through the love CHRIST has shown me I know HE wants to use me to get this message out to HIS hurting daughters
• I have had ONE relationship...EVER...! Rare out here in OC
• Sometimes when I listen to classical music I forget to watch the road and swerve :(
• I love following blogs that are positive and it's such an added blessing when you guys happen to LOVE CHRIST...
• I AM GOING TO UGANDA THIS SUMMER!!! AHHHHHHHHH God truly delivers doesn't he?

If nobody has told you recently, let me tell you this: 

1. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
2. YOU ARE MORE PRECIOUS THAN GOLD
3. YOU DESERVE REAL LOVE
4. YOU ARE WORTHY OF TRUE JOY!
5. YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOU
6. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD
7. CHRIST DIED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU! 
8. HE IS CHASING AND CALLING YOU TO COME TO HIM AND GIVE HIM YOUR HEART FULLY! 

Thanks for all of your love and support and prayers. God bless your precious heart this week! I am so thankful to be able to get online and just release all of the stuff that floats in my crazy little head. Such a blessing.

♥cheche

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Vegan Apple pie and 1st time TICKET ♥

Just a little bit of random stream of consciousness. Please do not judge. I feel like releasing :).

Two days ago at approximately 820am I chose to drive in the carpool lane and as a result I was pulled over.

Yes, I ignored the HOLY SPIRIT screaming in my head like a gentle father about to watch his child fall off their bike. I told GOD to please be quiet. I need to get to work on time. Just this once I need to break the law, okay? 2  minutes later the SPIRIT quieted and asked me "why do you disobey"? I passed a highway patrol man and before he saw me I knew I was receiving my first ticket.

I am such a brat y'all. I thought I would tell GOD to be quiet? Seriously. I feared being late to work and getting written up by my boss more than JESUS CHRIST!? AM I CRAZY? Yes. But am I that crazy?? No! I am a stupid, sinful little child. I have definitely learned my lesson. God does not like to see us putting ANYTHING before him. He is quick to remind us that our lives lay in his hands not in our sight or own strength. I know these things. Knowing is nothing without faith and OBEDIENCE.

Today I saw _______ for the first time in a while. The last time was when we met for coffee. God, thank you so much for giving _______ a caring heart. There are so many out there who would not use their TRIPLE A to help their ex-girlfriend that broke up with them have her car towed. I really, really am so in love with the heart that  _______ has. When we talked today I, of course, was distant and kept it surface deep. I feel sometimes when I talk to _______ about what is important to me there often isn't much of an active response. That was something I often felt in our relationship. So, instead of being rude and getting upset, I listened to _______ talk and made responses and kept it friendly. _______ hardly noticed. A part of me wanted to let _______ know, "in the future, a girl wants to know she is being heard. Not just acknowledged in the fact that she did speak." But I felt that I should just keep my mouth tight on the topic.

I found myself looking into _______ amazing, blue eyes. Only, those blue diamonds were exactly that. Nice looking eyes. I didn't feel the urge to hug _______. I didn't desire _______ hand on mind. I felt a bit uncomfortable in the car that once was as comfortable as driving in my car. Things have changed. I am extremely thankful for this realization. I am and have moved on. Wow. Isn't that scary? That feeling of knowing that you are actually never going to be with that person again. That feeling of satisfaction in your heart-breaking choice? God is so great, and swift to heal. It really has not been that long since the cut-off took place. I could be in a much worst place today which is how I know that the GOD I serve is faithful and real.

There's a Christian Club on campus :). Not affiliated with the "other" Christian Club either. I am excited to join :). They meet the days that I am on campus. I talked to some of the girls and it felt really nice. Will whoever you are that is reading be praying for this. Since attending the "other" Christian Clubs church, I am very apprehensive about new CHRISTIAN churches, groups or anything with a Christian title. I am quick to judge and it is something I struggle with and until today had not prayed too much on. After speaking to the girls REVELATION and the letters to the new Churches was brought up. I thought of how GOD had something to say to all of the Churches. None of them were perfect. It was like a piece of beef in marinade and at the end of my math class it had been roasted to perfection. I immediately knew what God was telling me. ALL FALL SHORT! Unless a group is completely blaspheming God and HIS word I have no right to judge. I can differ, I can choose to stay away, but I have NO RIGHT as a SINNER SAVED BY GRACE to judge.

This is something that really changed the rest of the day. I feel how we are spiritually, leaks into the rest of our lives, sometimes. If I am always looking for faults in other believers or waiting to hear something that I do not agree with I will definitely be doing the same in the world with co-workers, clients, classmates...etc. I need to focus PURELY ON MY WALK WITH CHRIST. He will direct me. My job is to stay close and lean not on my own understanding. If I am confused then I need to ask him for help and he will speak to me like always. Whether it be through my faithful, amazing and extremely intelligent Grandmother who serves Jesus Christ or a stranger in a coffee shop or a thought unlike my own. HE will always deliver when it brings him glory.

a nice fat slice for the girl who drove illegally. Seriously, I really didn't deserve this pie. Thank you Madre :).

I had apple pie TUESDAY. I think my mom saw how upset and distraught I was over the TICKET I received. She allowed me to go get my favorite VEGAN APPLE PIE from WHOLE FOODS MARKET in her car and with her own money. My mom really is amazing. I know we never see our Mothers as perfect 24/7. I just think of how much weight she carries on her shoulders with raising me and my siblings and the roof she has provided on her own for so many years and I can't help but think how strong she is. I love her dearly and if she were to be taken from me I would not know what to do... Apple pies have always been my favorite desert and pastime dish. However, this apple pie is made with pure joy and happiness baked right inside. It is vegan and taste more delicious than the best non-vegan apple pies out there. And I have definitely tasted them all. I had a slice last night and boy did it lift my sore spirits.

oh, I got my first item for fall :). The scarf not the pie. I love it and I of course spent less than 5 bucks for it.

I decided to eat a slice before taking the picture :). So delicious!!

 

The pie was a hit at a potluck I went to as well. Most of the guys and girls there were not into anything vegan and had I told them before would have been apprehensive. But I brought two of these 7dollar goodies and everyone was RAVING over them. One guy made a joke after I said they were vegan "Don't force your beliefs on me." I thought that was funny. Vegan and Vegetarianism for many can be a sort of religion. Where all of a sudden everything under and about those categories is an idol. I see nothing wrong with this way of  living and eating, although for me personally, having suffered from an eating disorder I can't just jump into restrictive lifestyles with food. It is something I must pray on and make sure I am putting GOD first. I went vegan for about a month and a half and became a bit anxious and stressed over it. I had to stop and realize that God will always give you peace when you are in his will. I was on a very nice looking DIET. lol And diets are never permanent. LIFE CHANGES ARE!

anyways, I rambled and had an amazing time doing so! Please know that you are loved!! I think that simple truth can make such a difference in a woman or mans life. I know it did for me. I have not been the same since :).

ENJOY YOUR THIRSTY THURSDAY! 

LET THE LORD QUENCH YOUR THIRST!

♥cheche

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