My belly is getting Evicted ♥

...
I mean, she is nice and soft and I like to think that one day she will be a cute pillow for my hubby.
But I ain't married.
And quite frankly she isn't the cutest girl around :).
So I want to make a declaration.

Yes, CheChe tends to make all of her declarations online which probably makes you wonder...

"WHERE ARE CheChes REAL FRIENDS? I can only take SO MUCH!!"

But I do have real friends. 

I just know you guys are much more eager than them to hear from me and my big ideas..
Plus, they have to hear and deal with much more because of my presence.

But you all love me right?

...

So, recently I started to do what my nutritionist had me doing when I used to see her.

I have been logging in all my food into my MOLESKINE food journal and writing how full I felt and how the food tasted and all that food journal type stuff.

In conclusion CheChe has experienced less bloatation and I see my meals and hunger getting smaller. I'm really excited to be taking baby steps into taking care of my health. I know that God wants nothing more than to see me fully thriving in HIM rather than turning towards food to get joy or peace.

I want to measure myself ONCE a month. Just to get a visible motivator going.

That won't be happening until I have gotten a months worth of food logging down though.

Basically I really want to start getting serious about taking care of CheChe because GOD has gifted her with a fully functioning and mobile body and she doesn't feel to good about the HAVOC she has wreaked on it.

Yes, CheChe thinks about herself a lot doesn't she?

Hence why I don't want to get obsessed with numbers and calorie counting because that focuses less on feeling good and more on looking a certain way.

1 Samuel 16:7

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

I want to look at what the Lord looks at. And my heart really is a reflection of my eating habits. I tend to eat for reasons other than hunger. Such as feeling happy, feeling powerful, having something to do, having a purpose, avoiding myself, feeding my latest food obsession...etc.


Don't get me wrong none of those things are going to send us to hell ladies! And I am not trying to condemn. But I often think of my savior and his 40days and 40nights without food or water.
I definitely am not looking to not eat for 40days and 40nights so don't get worried.

I'm so sick of my attention and thoughts streaming constantly along the lines of food and my body.
I love that my journaling is really me writing to GOD. I get to ask for help. Ask for Him to keep the temptation at bay and deliver me. Overeating is only fun and cute for so long before your spiritual health is affected. I know that God sees us as beautiful but why would He create us only to allow us to be gluttonous and harm ourselves and feel crappy and bloated so often.

Well, I don't think that is apart of GODS plan. But I do believe in His love and his arm that is not to short to help us when we call upon HIM. Even if it is to resist eating between meals or when you aren't even hungry.
There needs to be more love of Christ and love of serving Him in my life.
He needs to be the one bringing me happiness, peace and joy.
NOT FOOD!

So this, is my little declaration.
I just wanted to let you guys in on it because I am seriously tired of thinking about it.

Also, I would love to be able to update you guys and just let you know where I am at with it all and what progress has (or has not :/) been made. I would love the support from you all because you do mean a lot to me. I mean... I talk about some of your posts to my friends as if you guys wrote them to me personally. That is either really sick or shows how much I appreciate you :)

This declaration is more to GOD than to anyone else. I want to be a woman who seeks to serve God in all I do and also in how I take care of my body and VIEW my body.


BECAUSE I AM NOT MY OWN.
This is my prayer of the moment.

What are you guys seeking to surrender and declare unto the LORD???

 oh. and God has some great things to say on this topic! I love that the BIBLE covers our whole life and all of our needs on earth. Love my God!

1 Timothy 4:8

"Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important, for it promises a reward in both this life and the next."

Proverbs 31:3

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

I'm just sayin' ;)

♥CheChe


Oh, I also found some precious encouragements on WeHeartIt[dot]Com!
Hope you enjoy them!!

I love Crystal Renn. She battled an eating disorder and still managed to land major campaign ads as a full-figured woman. To me she is a beautiful representation of being who you are and loving the skin you were created to be in :). Healthy is beautiful and no it does not look the same on all of us!

Another eating disorder fighter! And now she is encouraging the girls that look up to her to love themselves! What a blessing..

Only GOD can teach me this one. The flesh really wars against this but I am seeking CHRIST to show me how to love like HE has loved His creation.

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Diversity ♥

In light of just me wanting to really share what is on my mind I am doing what I am doing today. Hope it sheds light and gives you all some insight into this controversial and overlooked and underrated topic. :)

As you all I am a woman. You also know that I am in my twenties (*maybe you didn't...). I have a job and I love the color pink. I am devoted to seeking Christ despite the outlook and I have been given victory in overcoming an eating disorder that very well could have taken my life. I struggled with depression and self-worth was at the root of it because I had no worth.

Growing up I didn't see many black women in the media. I remember watching television as a child and an interview with the then young and fresh TYRA BANKS came on. I don't know what they discussed but she was beautiful. She looked kinda like me (she was brown...) and she was respected and loved and everyone seemed to like her. I didn't grow up understanding that black was beautiful. Tyra Banks became a bit of an idol after that. I wanted to read everything about her and I felt proud of her. Even as a elementary school student I could see that she was special and different.

Fast forward to high school and I wasn't really a big fan of Tyra Banks but I had began to recognize that here in Orange County being black was something new to people. I remember hearing a then close guy friend say he could never date a black woman. "I couldn't handle it.. Black women can be so mean... Black women are this...and that".

People always seemed to expect something from me. Yes, I am funny. No. It doesn't have to do with my skin color. In that case why is Jim Carey hilarious? Because he is white. No. See?

I always had expectations from first encounters. People expected me not to take anything from anyone. So... I didn't. People expected me to be loud and whenever I was it was because I was black. Jokes were made out of ignorance and because I didn't know any better I really didn't stand up for myself. I was made fun of at the expense of my race. I never hated the race I was born into. In fact, I loved it. I love the color of my skin. The need to tan has never crossed my mind. But I never felt comfortable being black. I always felt like I wasn't the right black or that my black wasn't good enough.

Being an African-American I even experienced this within my own ethnicity in school. Girls from different areas or backgrounds would hold each other up to standards. "What? You can't do this dance? What...You don't know what this means...?" NOBODY EVER WANTED TO BE CALLED WHITEWASHED. It was the ultimate slap in the face. But I never understood that one either because I loved my white friends and my Mexican and Asian friends. What was so bad about them? Why was that word such a bad word in our community? It really angered and hurt me. But that was reality...

I was just so confused. I didn't know who I was allowed to be so I was everything that everyone wanted me to be. I was EXTRA "BLACK" when expected, calm and quiet when appreciated, LOUD and MEAN when provoked. I was never just "Chetreanna".

I was looking at the sites that I have joined such as WEHEARTIT and BLOGSPOT and TUMBLER and PINTEREST... I was looking at the fashion that both myself and my peers love. I didn't really find too much color and it kind of struck a cord. I believe all women are created beautiful no matter the ethnicity and I love the uniqueness that comes from not looking the same. But it hurts to know that the generation being born today still is getting a bad hand. The diversity within the media and fashion world is just ridiculous. WE shouldn't have to pick up magazines designated and devoted to giving exposure to black, mexican, asian models. We are women!!! There is no race or color in that world. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL... There is no root to a specific type when that word is written, yet society is desperately doing exactly that.


Thin, pale, black, yellow, white, pink, curvy, skinny, tall, short, green-eyed, brown-eyed... There is so much that we are saying to the young women of this world in these ads. I just hate it. I truly hate that some girls don't understand that they are BEAUTIFUL despite the images portrayed as beautiful that exist in the world today.

I can go on and on. I am not against the skinny, the curvy, the white, the Mexican I am just so sick of not being able to see diversity in it all. I am sick of the black communities holding each other up to expectations of what truly validates them as an African-American woman or man. I am sick of the racist and bigoted exceptions we have in America. I am just sick and tired you guys.

I don't know if this rambling made any sense but coming from Orange County this was something that I had to deal with on my own for so long.

Thankfully Christ makes things new and He has really shown me that my skin color does not dictate the way I dress, talk or carry myself at all. MY culture may affect that but my skin color does not make CHETREANNA the woman she is. God does. He is the author and He is the architect and when He made me and every other beautiful woman on this planet He was pleased.




What if?

beautiful picture but nasty ciggy

All I see is just another shade of beauty. Every shade is just as important as the other...

♥ Chetreanna

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Memories... ♥

So I was going to post some pictures of what I have been up to recently.
In particular these few:

using my close friends new i-phone to do nothing else but take pictures of myself. lol

got to have coffee with Mercedes in Mission Viejo! Such an amazing time...

avocado, tomato, herbed cream cheese, egg...BREAD. Lenas amazing sandwich that I had to take a picture of at CHAMPAGNES. Have you ever gone to CHAMPAGNES FRENCH BAKERY??? It is soo amazing.

tofu in teriyaki sauce w/ brown and white rice for Tracie. Mediterranean veggie sandwich and cajun fries for Me :). Lazy dog cafe was quite delicious!

me and Yessica at LAURA'S wedding :)

Jessica and I at Laura's wedding.. ♥

Two of my dear sisters and me goofing around in the front of my car. Yes, it is a three seat front seat. We keep it legal and classy at 10pm. 

I was running through Facebook clicking and saving these pictures to show to you guys. Really, I wanted to just show that I have friends. I know, quite pathetic. But sometimes this blog can become so focused on what is going on in my head and all the craziness that accompanies it, I forget the joy that God has given me in the beautiful women and relationships that I have. These girls are all sisters of mine. They love the Lord. They encourage me in my walk and they love me with all of my crazy, crazy, CRAZY izms that I bring to the table.

But I had a life before all of them. And I saw the pictures of that life. It is so funny how a smile can be so misleading. Although, I displayed such a happy smile I was severely under eating in most of these pictures. I was depressed and suicidal. And I was quite desperate for any type of hope. I was getting into new age healing. But I still couldn't find true joy and peace. Even in the great friendships I had then... I rarely felt safe with who I was... I don't know what I'm really talking about but the point is. These women are extremely important to me and so connected to my first steps towards the Lord. I just wanted to show you guys some past pics. I was never thin enough in my head..

Here are some pictures of memory lane. ♥

this was my Senior prom. First off, yes I am an ex-hoochie mama. I still can't believe I got away with wearing that! This picture was one of my motivations in not eating. I vowed to put that dress on and be extremely small in it. I got my wish but at a severe price. Actually, I wasn't fat. This was my heaviest in high school. A guy called me big and I was called fat by another guy after graduation. I believed them then. But I seriously can't see it anymore. Curvy? Yeah. But fat??? Lies aren't just being believed by young women. Our men are seriously distorted in their image of beauty as well.

19 birthday with  the girls.

You can see my rib cage under my arm... :/

oh dear...a Halloween that ended with my then boyfriend arrested in jail, me being spit on by my ex, wondering how in the world I got where I was. And yes, I stayed with him after that for another year and a half. Girls can be quite dumb when they don't think they deserve better.

I loved those pants. The beginning of me fading...Right after High school graduation.

I remember feeling so happy that night about having a tummy that didn't stick out... I don't remember anything else. In the world of anorexia and bulimia most of your memories are focused around what you shouldn't have ate or about your body. Nothing is ever as satisfying as feeling hollow. SO, you constantly focus your attention on your body... You forget to enjoy the time your spending with people who love you.

Me at my lowest weight I believe. I never looked unhealthy in my face but my body was skin and bones.

I remember this Thanksgiving in Oakland. I hated all of the pictures. I thought I had gained so much weight. I don't even really remember anything else about the family trip except hating the pictures and hating that I had put on weight...

me at my lowest with my nephew whom I haven't seen in 3 years :(

me, rebecca my Irish friend, Festa, Ash on 4th of July... I worked with these girls. I was already deep in my eating disorder before meeting them. I had just met my ex the day after I met all of them. My life changed so quickly. Ashley was such a great support and one of my first intimate friendships. She was so encouraging as I sought the Lord and although we weren't always doing the best things when we got together I will always have a great love towards her. Rebecca is in Ireland now. Festa, beautiful Festa... I don't see her or speak to her often but I always felt so privileged to know her.

Ash, Me, Dion, and Karla. Karla is now MARRIED! I went to her wedding last Saturday. So beautiful. This was my 20th birthday at Native foods. 

Everytime I would throw up. Every time I would deprive. Every time I would cut my skin. Every time I would hate my self and hate my reflection. Christ felt all that and more as He carried His cross. He carried our guilt, our shame our hatred of ourselves. He carried us and through Him we are set free of that annoying and deadly bondage. He defeated it all and we now get to walk in victory. Not just because He died and it was finished. But because He rose! Christ rose. He rose and returned to Heaven and now God, God can hear you when you call. He can save your life. He can change your broken and bruised heart.

I am not perfect. I still really can't stand images of myself. Posting on here is such a battle. I have gained weight since quitting the unhealthy habits. I have struggled with not returning to the psychotic ways of maintaining an image of emptiness. Some days I lay in bed praying for God to give me the strength to put clothes on my body and face the world with confidence. It is a battle. But I get to fight in Victory. The outlook is not bleak. My soul can rejoice in the midst of these mental trials. I can have joy although I am unhappy. And I don't give up because it is Christ who strengthens me in my weakness. The beauty I almost died to have. The beauty that I thought would set me free, IS nothing in comparison to the beauty that GOD clothes us in.


I love you all. Thank you for reading if you made it all the way through.
I am so blessed to celebrate Easter in my heart and so blessed that I have this battle that continually brings me to my knees and brings me closer to Christ.

"Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed.

The Victory is His. He is risen from the dead.
And I will rise...

When He calls my name...

No more sorrows. No more pain...

I will rise.

On eagles wings.. 

Before my God..

Fall on my knees and rise."

Love You All ;)

♥ CheChe ♥

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Hello. It is Thursday :) <♥>

 waiting in my car for the ladies to show up before we head out. Photo sessions in the car... oh memories...

HELLO,..
SO I HAD A VERY EVENTFUL DAY YESTERDAY.
I FOUND MY PHONE THAT I HAD LOST THE DAY BEFORE! YAY!! THEN TODAY I WOKE UP AND REALIZED I HAD LOST MY CHARGER...THANKFULLY I KNOW WHERE IT IS :).

not my phone :).

I MET UP WITH SOME OF MY GIRLS YESTERDAY AND WE DROVE TO A FRIENDS HOUSE WHO IS GOING TO COURT TODAY AND MAY FACE JUVENILETIME. SHE WAS SO SWEET AND BEAUTIFUL. WE GOT TO PRAY FOR HER ANDJUST HANG OUT WITH HER AT HER HOUSE. SHE IS STRUGGLING WITH GIVING IT ALL TO THE LORD. SHE HAS BAD FRIENDS IN HER LIFE AND SHE ISN'T YET READY TO OBEY WHAT GOD IS ASKING OF HER. WHICH IS JUST TO TRUST HIM.

BUT THE AMAZING THING IS GOD DOESN'T CARE WHERE SHE IS TODAY. HE  HEARD OUR PRAYERS. HE CRIED THROUGH HER. HE KNOWS THE HEAVINESS HER HEART IS FEELING. AND HE BROUGHT ALL 10 OF US STRANGERS TO HER HOME YESTERDAY JUST TO SHOW HER SHE HAS ANOTHER CHOICE. SHE HAS WOMEN  WHO WANT TO SEE HER AT HER BEST AND WALKING WITH THE LORD. WHO DON'T

JUDGE BECAUSE WE KNOW WHO WE ARE WITHOUT GOD. AND IT AIN'T MUCH :).

I WILL NEVER BE SKINNY! IT JUST AIN'T IN THE CARDS FOR ME. TODAY IT HIT ME AS I WAS LOOKING AT VARIOUS PICTURES OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. THIS ISN'T REALITY FOR ME. I AM DESIGNED WITH LARGER HIENEY. WITH A FULLER BUST. A BIT OF A GUT. AND IN SOME ANGLES A DOUBLE CHIN. LOL. AND YOU KNOW WHAT. THAT DOESN'T CHANGE GODS LOVE FOR ME. IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE WAY MY FUTURE HUSBAND WILL LOOK AT ME. IT DOESN'T CHANGE MY SMILE. OR MY HEART. IT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS SMART. OR ANY LESS CAPABLE. IT DOESN'T DEFINE ME. I AM STILL BEAUTIFUL..

ON MONDAY I ALMOST HIT KOBE BRYANT. I WASN'T LOOKING WHERE I WAS DRIVING AS ME AND A FRIEND LEFT WHOLE FOODS AND I LOOK UP AND I'M A FOOT AWAY FROM A  BLACKED OUT MERCEDES. MY HEART DROPPED. NOT BECAUSE OF KOBE BUT BECAUSE I  ALMOST HIT HIS MILLION DOLLAR CAR ;(. THAT WOULD'VE SUCKED BEYOND BELIEF.  I DON'T REALLY CARE FOR KOBE. I MEAN I DON'T DISLIKE HIM. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO STARS I GET MORE EXCITED WHEN I SEE A PHILANTHROPIST THAN A BASKETBALL PLAYER OR REALITY STAR OR MOVIE STAR OR YOUTUBE STAR... THERE ARE SO MANY THESE DAYS. I GET EXCITED WHEN I SEE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY USE THEIR PLATFORM TO CHANGE THIS

WORLD. BUT THAT IS A RARE COMMODITY IN THE REALM OF STARDOM.

I WANT TO GO AWAY AND READ. I HAVE BEEN WANTING TOO. BUT I JUST CAN'T  WILL MYSELF TO DO IT. IT'S QUITE ANNOYING. JUST THOUGHT I'D SHARE SINCE I'M  BEING RANDOM AND ALL OVER THE PLACE IN THIS ONE.

THANK YOU LORD FOR ANOTHER DAY. ANOTHER MOMENT. AND ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE YOU.

doesn't this look amazing!! I wonder what the drink is??

the pizza we at last night was soooo delicious. given that i was starved.

THE END.


♥ CHETREANNA ♥

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Why have you made me like this? ♥

Romans 9:20 "But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, "Why have you made me like this?"

I was praying about what to write to you lovely readers and fellow believers today. I know that I wanted to write but I hadn't opened my Bible yet and I had not asked God to reveal what He wanted to speak to and through me. I often forget who the GLORY is to be made of. I sometimes often look at my tasks, even the most trivial of such, and say "HOW CAN I _____?"

HOW CAN GOD? Is the real question that I can forget. Because God is the one who produces and the true POTTER of us clay, as Paul so eloquently mentions in Romans 9.

The scripture at hand has spoke to me in a few ways. The one that leaps off my mind onto this blog at the moment is "WHY HAVE YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS?" Now, I am a pretty normal human being. I can operate a motor vehicle, I can work a job, I have social awareness, I can laugh and understand most of the human language spoken in my country, I can eat on my own, I can hear, I can see with great vision, I have all of my teeth... I list all of these because I am constantly telling God WHY HAVE YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!??

I don't flat out ask Him but I question my clay-like nature. The body, the vessel that has been given to me. I can't stand it and at times I hate it. I struggled with an eating disorder that stemmed from just hating my body and the way that it looks. I look through all of your blogs and I see beautiful, confident, admirable women in all of you. Some of you even post pictures with models wearing the latest fashions. And I just often feel and think "if only God had given me that body, that vessel!!" It's quite disgusting this disease of always needing something else or something more. Where is my contentment in the things I listed previously?? Well. The answer is there is no contentment because as soon as I turn to God with a furrowed brow about my body I really, really see nothing else. 

I don't see my mobility. The two legs that are capable of so much He has given me. The head on my head with a functioning brain inside of it. The home I live in with two laptops that I have perfect access to. The friendships and sisterhood that has been instilled in my life by Him. The safety of living in the part of Southern California He has placed me in. I don't see GOD when I question who I am on the outside. I only see my flaws and the long list that accompanies it.

I know that I will never be a size 0,1,2,3,4... I know this. I know that I am of African descent and no matter what a pair of hips and a butt are in my future... I know this. I know, I know, I know... But why can I not find the contentment in this knowledge. Why can I not find the joy in Christ alone, despite what I look like. My image of beauty is laughable because it has been something that I am not. I look at the pale, slender, long women of the magazines I love and I think THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. But if THAT IS BEAUTIFUL then what is Chetreanna? You see the conundrum here?

at the bowling alley with some friends

I know that I am being a bit of a down but my point is or was supposed to be that Christ is our definition of beauty on this earth. There is nothing wrong with fashion and fashions standard of beauty but we must not forget who we are identified as in Christ alone. WE must not look away from the beauty that He clothes us in :). We must not forget the beautiful plans our Father has for us and how he knows every kinky, curly hair on my head and loves every little ripple in my derriere. In fact, God sees us naked and there is no shame. There is no shame in what He sees because like Adam and Eve standing in no shame in the garden that is how we stand before God on this earth as believers!! Such a blessing to serve a real, loving and compassionate God.

One of my beautiful sisters in Christ and Me ♥

These are the pieces of my heart that God is asking me to give to Him. Would you pray for me? Would you pray for this warped perception to be done away with and for the Christ-like beauty within to be made known and believed as TRUE BEAUTY! Pray for your non-fat friend who complains about her body, pray for your sister who can't seem to see how gorgeous she is when isn't complaining. Pray for the women of this generation like myself to understand that a number on the scale is non-existent in the things of eternity!

Being Free in our Savior is one that at times requires COMPLETE u-turns. And I pray to turn away from this thought process that denies who GOD is and who I am as the clay. I am blessed to share this with you all and I pray that Christ would be on your heart and mind today and He would whisper the sweet nothings He has for each one of us in your ear.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL ♥

praying with some brothers and sisters...♥

♥ Chetreanna ♥

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Things said and done ♥

The fact that I feel like I am failing at this whole blog thing is bothering me. To me, this began as an amazing outlet while I was struggling with my breakup. I found peace, and God really comforted me through this media as well, which was an amazing blessing. Now I feel as though maybe I should just pull out.


Today at work I felt pretty good. I had coffee and chocolate and I was extremely hyper and giddy all day because of it. The work day passed by swiftly and then I started to meditate on things.

I participated in gossip at work today about a new co-worker. After work I felt horrible. Gossiping or speaking of others when they are not around repulses me and I felt Satan waving my sin in my face as I left work. "What a great GODLY woman you are speaking of some one else and their character Che. Do not all fall short of Gods grace?"  I am not going to allow Satan to condemn me but I needed desperately to let that out. I just can't stand how full of wickedness I am, at times. I desperately want to be FREE of this world and the bondage of sin completely. God knows I want to just be full of nothing but light and perfect; but that is impossible. There is one who is perfect and that is Jesus Christ. So why do I beat myself up when I am only striving to be something I can never be and comparing myself to God?

For whatever reason school is stressing me out beyond relief. This semester I am being challenged and I feel so inadequate. Papers and quizzes and studying are weighing down on me. I don't feel like I am putting in my all. I'm scared that I am going to be another statistic. Another minority who starts what she will not finish. I feel like I will be in school forever sometimes and I will never earn the degree I desire. There is so much I worry about. There is so much I hold onto that is not mine. Is not my GOD bigger than all of this?

My ex did not wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday. For some reason I thought of "us" today. The old us. The us that saw no separation in the future and spent every moment of every day together. Then I felt remorse. How could I have wasted so much time with someone who from the beginning I knew was not the man for me? Now I think of other guys that I have met, some of which I like, and I feel hopeless in all kinds of ways. I feel like unless I lose the 20 pounds I did not have when I met my ex I will never catch the eye of a man. I feel stupid for liking this man I met recently. A big part of me is still insecure and can't seem to fathom being desired or loved. So maybe God plans for me to overcome this fully before he brings me to my beloved?







 (He is a Christian man btw. He is cute and dorky like me . Now I am crushing on him hard and worried about getting my hopes up. Guys have never really pursued me EVER. lol. But he seems to be a sweetheart with a heart for ministry. Why does my heart have to be so darn open? plus I have only been broken up for... well technically a year in November. But still.. ughh.. )

I feel pretty stupid and maybe my period is around the corner but I just am so overwhelmed with feelings that I just want to eat, cry and type. I sound crazy perhaps? I really don't care. i am so sick of thinking about the relationship that is dead. I am so sick of stumbling and getting back up. I am so sick of not believing in what I deserve and what I am owed as a child of God.

Lord, I need you so much. I pray to have you fully and allow no other substitutes. I pray to throw out all idols and all false hope. I love you Lord. Cleanse me. Make me new and change my heart. Open me to your word and your love. Be my everything Lord Jesus. Deliver me to you. I want to be who you've created me to be. I am so sick of loving the things of this world lord. I am so sick of wanting to know your will always. Guide me, use me and make me yours and only yours Lord. I put my life in your hands and I boy down to you and nothing else. Thank you lord. I love you.

♥cheche

p.s. is it just me or does Fall conjure up feelings of love and romance? I feel so hormonal but I also feel like love is right around the corner. REAL LOVE? Is that odd? ha ha

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la la la love♥

FALL! It has arrived :). I can see it in the winds breeze and feel in changing colors all around me. CREATION is changing right before our eyes! How amazing.. I found this picture on GOOGLE. It reminded me of the lake I walk around out here in California and the leaves that will soon be grazing every inch of certain streets :).

I didn't get much sleep. Perhaps it was the coffee I drank at my friend DANICA'S lovely church. I do regret not trying these DOUBLE CHOCOLATE MACADAMIA cookies they had. I was just so excited to be around new friends and believers that I absentmindedly overlooked what is usually my MAIN FOCUS of any type of fellowship. he he It was a great night and although she had to wake up at 6am the next day she allowed me to ramble on (like always) until the lights were literally TURNED off during my conversation. I can not stress enough the joy that comes from talking to men and women who are CHRIST centered. It just overflows from within them and I just sit and lap it up for hours. I am excited to see what GOD has in store for all of his children who are on fire for him. MAY THEIR FLAMES NEVER BURN OUT AS THEY AWAIT THE BRIDEGROOM :).

Did I mention when DANICA picked me up she was blaring FRENCH music. Oh, does she know how to speak to a woman's heart. I could not have enjoyed the background music enough. I guess I am so used to riding around with friends who play the AWFUL *yes I am calling it awful* garbage radio where you will hear the same song 5 times in 15 minutes. LoL. IT was just refreshing and definitely a highlight of the evening.

You guys I have a confession!

I did not study the WORD yesterday morning, or the day before... I actually have not got into the word on my OWN time in a couple of days!! Yes, I know! I feel the very same way. MY head just works better when I am in the word cada manana. It is the only way to have that deep filled joy throughout a hectic day. Wake up with the word of GOD Che. Goodness how hard can it be? Yet, I have managed to NOT do it for a few days. Am I perfect? NEVER WILL BE! Am I DOING ANYTHING WRONG? Not necessarily. I just personally feel so convicted and just different when I am not taking time out of my personal time to put GOD first. There I got that off my chest! Now I can update you all on my lovely bike ride to STARBUCKS :).

THIS MORNING I woke up knowing I needed a nice long ride around town after class. I just knew it would be the beginning of an amazing day if I did. So I strapped up my books and went to MATH class. Then headed to the computer lab. It was a bit hot today so I was in no rush to leave the AIR CONDITIONED room. Finally, I logged off and headed to my Beach Cruiser. I would name it but it is still legally my mothers beach cruiser. So naming it would feel... just wrong. I rode to the bank first which was a joy and blessing and I ended up leaving feeling ENCOURAGED. Long story short the sweet, young lady at the teller window said I looked adorable riding up on my bike and that she thought I was a MODEL walking in. I then told her every woman looks like a model in 4inch heels. (No, I have not yet mastered receiving compliments. lol) It was a lovely withdrawal. I decided to avoid the city (aka the streets) as much as possible today and took the bike path that leads you through tunnels and away from the streets. It was beautiful just riding and sight seeing. I enjoyed a CRANE that was in the middle of the road and stood and watched it. How can you deny creation when you see animals like CRANES? I praised GOD for the sight and went on my way.

After much thoughtless riding I made it to my destination. A Starbucks that I enjoy. My mission. TO get a pumpkin scone warm. The target was there and I decided to also attack a ICED pumpkin latte. Oh! They had free pumpkin cheesecake muffin samples too! I will be buying one of those very, very soon.

To complete the ride I didn't purchase anything until i had walked around the center. I stopped in the beauty store and did my makeup for free at the counter, tried on scarves and some fall tops at a clothing boutique, then sat in the sun staring at the trees and flowers that were blooming.

I sat at Starbucks for roughly an hour before getting on my bike and heading home. The pumpkin scone is SCRUMPTIOUS y'all!! You must get over to Starbucks, I don't care if you hate the coffee, personally, I believe they have burnt tasting coffee so I stick to espresso drinks or teas. But please do not miss out on the scone they are only carrying during FALL. You will not be disappointed.

That was pretty much what really made my day. Plus I got to hear some amazing conversations, as usual. And I also felt kinda fly walking to my bike and turning around to see a nice looking man staring at me with a smile full of interest. He wasn't ogling like typical, pervy man. He seemed genuinely just attracted and you guys I felt so lovely at that moment. I know it was GOD working in me because I have always taken looks from men as either full of perverted, lustful thoughts, or that I must look horrible if they are looking at me. God has really softened my heart to the point where I can accept another man's stare without JUMPING to conclusions about why I don't deserve it or putting a negative spin on it. It really is the small things that put a smile on my face these days. I felt confident in my sweater wrap and high heel boots and jeans. I can remember how in high school it was impossible for me to feel beautiful unless I was displaying some.. erm.. SKIN. I couldn't find the right word but that sums it up pretty well. 

Oh, Lord! You have taken me so far. I know you will finish this work you have started in me. I thank you so much for a blessed day! And I pray for my pastor tonight to speak your words and not his LORD so that many more will come to know you and the peace that comes from you! 

Be Blessed this FRIDAY!

♥cheche

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♥ Blessed

God thank you so much for showing me constantly how much I need you and to seek you above all things. Because truthfully I don't remind myself enough. I feel like I do but then YOUR there speaking to me and I have to pray for the love you deserve to receive from me.  I want to worship you in that continual way that compares to the ANGELS in heaven, Lord.  Your love is so tangible at times I am overwhelmed and saddened because I desperately want to know ALL OF YOU LORD. So I just pray Jesus, to continue to seek your face EACH AND EVERY DAY, cada dia LORD! con todo mi corazón y todo mi cuerpo!

Today was a blessed day :). I hung out with my new friend Angie and it was awesome to be able to discuss the Lord openly with a friend and to receive their insight and feedback. I often find myself having to just STOP talking because I really talk way too much sometimes in conversation. It's not so much that I enjoy the sound of my own voice as it is that I don't want to bore people or make it awkward so I try to fill the void with my voice to keep things comfortable on my end. Yeah, I know. I have only recently (about a few months ago) realized just how selfish it is because I am doing all the talking and also doing it to make MYSELF comfortable around someone else. So now I have to gauge myself and mentally take a pause. It's proving to work so far and I find that often people I think are quiet have something to say, they just need room to do so ;). Apologies to those who suffer in conversation with me it really is something I'm in the process of letting go of.

     My family in Oakland read my blog! I was so excited and overwhelmed with joy. I felt closer to them just knowing. Well, my grandmother and cousin did. I really was nervous today when I sent out invitations to people. In the past I have always been secretive with my thoughts and this is the next big step in learning to be open and honest with my thoughts and just pray God receives glory from it and praise. Because before I was ever saved I lived in a LONELY, ISOLATED world that I had alienated myself into with just Myself and my sad godless thoughts. If purgatory existed in any form that would have been a grand description of who I had become throughout high school. Of course, the end result when we focus only on ourselves as humans is Depression which of course was my life theme for many years.
     That being said every day with the Lord is a gift and a blessing and he delievered me to the happiness I
     believed to be a myth, and peace, and love and he will hold my heart and my life forever :).

It was fun getting out and doing some straight up WINDOW shopping because I am quite broken 'nd blessed. I saw so many new styles and cute clothing and I had to pray for me and my struggles with body image the whole while through. I've put on weight since being delivered from a battle with Anorexia and Bulimia and although I do overeat at times I find comfort in knowing that I could be doing things that have a way more detrimental effect on my health so if that means I'm going to be round and thick again SO BE IT.

SCRIPTURE
My day with angie ended later than I had expected which was great and then I hurried on to a fellowship Meeting at church and was blessed with Pastors teachings on James1:1-4.  "COUNT IT ALL JOY". In reference to trials and tests James declared to the 12 tribes COUNT IT ALL JOY!!! Boy is that a great comfort because when I see trials and test I want OUT!! haha. Not to look at the joy that will come from it and the renewing of my faith through stronger belief in his word and patience that he will get me through every trial that comes after the next. That just isn't what I do naturally. Of course I've always found myself feeling stronger and with much more patience and OVERWHELMING JOY, but James allows us to see just how NECESSARY as believers it is for us to suffer in these trials because we suffer with Christ! Now if that aint assuring I don't know what else to tell ya hun. I think if we look at the end result of trials as belivers we will have a whole new outlook while we are GOING through them.  We will see that all of this is leading to a better me and a stronger relationship with our savior JESUS CHRIST<<3

FRANCINE RIVERS ♥

so i am almost done with my second book by her The Scarlett Thread. Oh, I cannot emphasize the importance of this book in my life. Or the impact it has had on my faith and my heart. Francine seamlessly weaves two amazing stories of The Lords faithfulness and ability to restore all things that are broken when we seek his face above all things! I am a few chapters away from finishing and would have been done days ago but ya'll know a girl is broke and does her reading leisurely within the confines of bookstores for FREE :).Within two weeks you can not only get outside and get some walking in but finish an amazing novel of your choice with about 1 1.2 hours to spare every other day. It's how I finished many books including REDEEMING LOVE also by Mrs. Rivers.

Well that about does it for me tonight. I can't think of anything else I really wanted to cover. Oh prayer updates&requests:

-Got my little sister to come with me to the Evangelist night we have at church and she was very angry by the end of the service *(holy spirit was convicting many that NIGHT :) )  I prayed my eyes out when they made the call to come accept christ and be forgiven but it's on the lords timing not mine. I cried and had to fight back the tears so my sister would not see just how badly I want her to be saved and healed. Be praying for her, my brother and my mom. <3
-I still have no idea how Bible College is happening but its on my heart nonetheless and heavy with weight. Pray gods will be carried out accordingly! He is faithful I look forward to seeing how that works out.
-School Starts in a week and I am nervous. Pray I not be faced with too many radical Professors looking to scare or teach the god out of anyone. Secular schooling can be very spiritually depressing and it just shows how big this battle for our lives is.
-I mentioned it earlier but the issues with the sin of obsessing over my weight and how I look are still receiving attacks daily (although not as powerful) and while I am a year free of those practices that were of sin these attacks are draining I just need prayer to see myself with solely the eyes of Jesus Christ as well as seeing others with his eyes as well! 

dang, I sure know how to type novels don't I. Be praying for discernment in ALL areas of my life and the protection of the lord to be around me always and for his spirit to THRIVE in me. Thank you lord.

♥

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