Things said and done ♥

The fact that I feel like I am failing at this whole blog thing is bothering me. To me, this began as an amazing outlet while I was struggling with my breakup. I found peace, and God really comforted me through this media as well, which was an amazing blessing. Now I feel as though maybe I should just pull out.


Today at work I felt pretty good. I had coffee and chocolate and I was extremely hyper and giddy all day because of it. The work day passed by swiftly and then I started to meditate on things.

I participated in gossip at work today about a new co-worker. After work I felt horrible. Gossiping or speaking of others when they are not around repulses me and I felt Satan waving my sin in my face as I left work. "What a great GODLY woman you are speaking of some one else and their character Che. Do not all fall short of Gods grace?"  I am not going to allow Satan to condemn me but I needed desperately to let that out. I just can't stand how full of wickedness I am, at times. I desperately want to be FREE of this world and the bondage of sin completely. God knows I want to just be full of nothing but light and perfect; but that is impossible. There is one who is perfect and that is Jesus Christ. So why do I beat myself up when I am only striving to be something I can never be and comparing myself to God?

For whatever reason school is stressing me out beyond relief. This semester I am being challenged and I feel so inadequate. Papers and quizzes and studying are weighing down on me. I don't feel like I am putting in my all. I'm scared that I am going to be another statistic. Another minority who starts what she will not finish. I feel like I will be in school forever sometimes and I will never earn the degree I desire. There is so much I worry about. There is so much I hold onto that is not mine. Is not my GOD bigger than all of this?

My ex did not wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday. For some reason I thought of "us" today. The old us. The us that saw no separation in the future and spent every moment of every day together. Then I felt remorse. How could I have wasted so much time with someone who from the beginning I knew was not the man for me? Now I think of other guys that I have met, some of which I like, and I feel hopeless in all kinds of ways. I feel like unless I lose the 20 pounds I did not have when I met my ex I will never catch the eye of a man. I feel stupid for liking this man I met recently. A big part of me is still insecure and can't seem to fathom being desired or loved. So maybe God plans for me to overcome this fully before he brings me to my beloved?







 (He is a Christian man btw. He is cute and dorky like me . Now I am crushing on him hard and worried about getting my hopes up. Guys have never really pursued me EVER. lol. But he seems to be a sweetheart with a heart for ministry. Why does my heart have to be so darn open? plus I have only been broken up for... well technically a year in November. But still.. ughh.. )

I feel pretty stupid and maybe my period is around the corner but I just am so overwhelmed with feelings that I just want to eat, cry and type. I sound crazy perhaps? I really don't care. i am so sick of thinking about the relationship that is dead. I am so sick of stumbling and getting back up. I am so sick of not believing in what I deserve and what I am owed as a child of God.

Lord, I need you so much. I pray to have you fully and allow no other substitutes. I pray to throw out all idols and all false hope. I love you Lord. Cleanse me. Make me new and change my heart. Open me to your word and your love. Be my everything Lord Jesus. Deliver me to you. I want to be who you've created me to be. I am so sick of loving the things of this world lord. I am so sick of wanting to know your will always. Guide me, use me and make me yours and only yours Lord. I put my life in your hands and I boy down to you and nothing else. Thank you lord. I love you.

♥cheche

p.s. is it just me or does Fall conjure up feelings of love and romance? I feel so hormonal but I also feel like love is right around the corner. REAL LOVE? Is that odd? ha ha