Easter ♥

Forgive me Father.

For forgetting the cross at times :).

Your death that paved the way...

Your resurrection that set me free...

Forgive me Father.

For forgetting the cross at times.

The shame of your nakedness.

The guilt of my sin.

You carried me too!

You hung for my soul!

Forgive me Father..

For the sin I commit.

The transgression you beat.

The return to old ways when I have a Savior risen from the grave.

The death with no sting, how does it not ring?

Forgive me Father.

Of the joy set before me.

Of the hope placed in eternity.

Of the lack of excitement.

The appreciation I lack.

Thank you Father.

For the grace that is there.
For the Holy Spirits strength.

For the promises you've kept and the ones I can cling to.

For the joy set before me.

From the HELL I will not know.

Forgive me Father for the fear I lack.

And the realization I am without of how REAL Heaven and HELL are.

Thank you Lord for your sovereignty.

Thank you Lord for your mercy.

Cleanse me of all unrighteousness.

Cleanse me of all impurities.

Make me like you Jesus.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Receive my adoration.

Jesus Lamb of God.

♥CheChe

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No Apologies ♥

For the things I cannot be.
For the way I cannot do things.
For the heart that beats within me.

I will no longer feel sorry about this last one.

That I love JESUS CHRIST more than I express.

More than I show my family at times.

More than I show my co-workers.

More than I show other Followers/Christians/Disciples...etc.

I will NOT apologize...

I cannot APOLOGIZE.

To apologize is to DENOUNCE the life I've freely been given.

OLD MISSING CHAPTERS BIBLE. R.I.P

oH, HEY new lovely clutch looking bible ;).

I won't keep quiet as you taunt others who shout HIS name from rooftops.
"FOR THEIR 'RELIGIOUS' BEHAVIOR".

What I seek is not religion from my LORD.
I SEEK HIM.
FULLY, 100% HIM!!!
I desire to know HIM.
TO be more like HIM.
TO touch His face.
TO wash His feet.
I DESIRE HIM MORE THAN I COULD EVER FULFILL.

I can't keep quiet.
I must tell you this.
I must tell you that MY LIFE IS NO LONGER MINE.

I must tell you that despite myself and my weaknesses and flaws HE IS ALL THAT LIFE IS WORTH LIVING FOR...

I am not the girl who is perfect.

I am not the woman who has it together.

I am not the friend that always loves you right.

I am not the daughter who cleans up perfectly after herself.

I am not the sister who remembers to turn off the hallway light.

I am not the sister who is as responsible as you need her to be.

I am not the sister who was available for 10 years of her life.

I am not the daughter who maintained a 4.0 gpa after elementary.

I am not the daughter who loved you enough in Middle School.

I am not the daughter who made you proud throughout highschool.

I am not...
I am not...

As tears fall down my face, I plead with you...
To know that I cannot apologize.
I just can't live in this apologetic state for you.
I can't live to please you above HIM.
I can't fulfill this idea of what you need me to be.

I can tell you that I try.
I truly, truly try and constantly find myself doing it all wrong.
Not doing enough.

I see who I am.
For the last 12 years I have seen myself through YOUR eyes.
ALL OF YOU.
That is the idea of myself I have been carrying.

But I can't anymore.

I just can't carry that weight.
I can't hold myself to your view because it breaks my soul to try.
It breaks my tear ducts as the flood flows heavily.

It just hurts, because JESUS is all I can give you.
And even that I DO NOT DO ENOUGH OF.


I will never be a size XS or S.
I will never be a model.
I will never be rich.
I will never be "IMPORTANT".
Whatever that means.


I'm just really feeling heavy hearted right now guys.
I won't apologize for this rant despite the urge too.
I'm just so sick of trying to live to please people.
I'm so sick of myself and letting myself down.
I just want to share the LORD.
I just want to share LOVE.
I just want to...
I don't even know how to explain this all.

I am not apologizing. He is the way, the truth and life.
I CAN NOT BE ASHAMED.
I will not be discouraged.

By His marks, I am healed and sealed.

semi-formal night

I just ask you all for prayer.
For my walk.
For my family.
For my mind.
And for my LIFE.
I just ask you all for prayer.

Thank you.

♥CheChe 

click here to see what I participated in and info on how to read all the other ladies who BLOGGED across America and warmed cold hands and hearts this past week. REALLY BLESSED ME :).

The pictures are a collaboration of what I've been doing on my vacation that ends this coming TUESDAY. I'm not too good at taking pictures outfit wise but I got a full bathroom shot of an outfit I wore to do something sometime this week. :) blessings!

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[♥] The Ramblings

my precious dog Jude sleeping. My man.

I've finally found a new muse in literature. If one can call fiction such. I feel comfortable doing so, so please do not be offended. This week I began SENSE AND SENSIBILITY. When I was younger I didn't appreciate the witty and thought provoking styles of early british literature. In fact, I had developed such disdain for the names Austen and Bronte and Dickens that I really just thought anyone who spoke of them was being pompous and boastful. I figured the only people who could stomach something so dull and unnecessarily complex were disturbed in some invisible way and only forced themselves to swallow the readings knowing that it would give them lovely conversation in the familiar social settings.

me and the girls at ALTA. Impromptu study sesh turned artsy picture...

However, I have either admitted that I am invisibly disturbed or changed my opinion of such connoisseurs. I pray it is the latter ;). I watched Jane Eyre recently with a dearly beloved and close sister of mine and it sparked a real hunger for depth. Atonement was the first movie to ever develop a thirst for something different. I was used to the American feedings of Nicolas Sparks and Francine Rivers was later discovered after that. But, not to discredit either for they are great writers, my taste had began to desire something new and different. So in the last few months I had began scouring the aisles of Barnes and Noble and borders looking for what my heart was coveting. But I couldn't find anything that really hit the spot.  Does anyone understand what I mean by that? Or am I the only woman in the world who stalks the aisles of bookstores reading covers and first chapters praying to strike GOLD??

Well, I digress.


I had picked up C.S Lewis and although he was interesting and I found a spark of enthusiasm developing he just wasn't it. I went back to Rivers but it was the same. So I waited and avoided the bookstore aisles for a while only going with friends and diverting my attention to the magazine racks knowing they could provide temporary relief. Then Jane Eyre was introduced to me. And I became a bit obsessed with the movie. It wasn't enough that the love was so raw yet pure. It wasn't enough that the dialogue was fascinating, brilliant yet comprehensible. No. It was definitely a combination of that distant yet tangible ERA of time that captivated me.


So, in order to not bore you any longer with my would be british style of a post... Yes. I tried. Please forgive me if you made it this far. I would like to let you all know that I am currently in love with Sense and Sensibility by the late Jane Austen and am loving everything that I once despised. Isn't it crazy how our taste changes so drastically as life goes on? I am actually shocked that the Gossip Girl series once had my full attention in middle school... I couldn't ever go back to that type of reading and feel satisfaction, yet that was exactly what those books delivered when I was younger.


Okay. This was not a juicy post. I know. But it was definitely from the heart ,as well as a sleep deprived mindset. Therefore, I am content and satisfied in posting this for all to view and be bored with. Why, I don't even care if I lose a reader or two. lol. I'm seriously in need of sleep..

taking pictures while driving. Such a great role model.

I leave you with this picture. Be blessed today. Wednesday is always nice. Mid-week. Hope and light at the end of that work week tunnel.

Okay. So I don't remember if I told you guys about the Dermatitis I developed *allergic reaction* on my upper lip that left a scar... BUT... If I didn't I thought I'd show you guys a picture in which the scar is visible so you can see what I have to live with. I kind got shy and did some effects to the picture to lighten the scar but it is still pretty prominent. It looks like I have dirt on my lip :(. Well, the good thing is now I know that my husband will be legit. Not just a godly man but one not into the perfect look or flawless face. lol A humble man indeed. Oh, and I apologize for speaking so much of this imaginary, future husband. These weddings have really sparked more talk of Him recently and it is a bit annoying repeating "future husband" over and over and not knowing how to stop. My poor friends. And you guys.. So sorry. 

Thanks for tolerating me these last couple of days. I haven't really been doing any posts with a clear theme. I think my blog has reflected where I am spiritually right now. With Africa all of a sudden being not something that the Lord has me doing I've been left with this wonder. Wondering what exactly it all means and that although I trust God and believe His ways are always better, I'm a bit hurt that in this situation His ways are not in alignment with my wants. I want to go to Africa but His ways are steering me opposite. I trust you God... it just hurts. I mourned today like a sad, sad little girl. Pray for my silly temperament if the spirit strikes. I know it will all work out to His good purpose.

Okay, I'm really done writing now. Night and Goodmorning...

♥CheChe♥

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Hello. ♥

So. In light of my wandering mind I thought I would share some pictures that truly reflect some inward desires. Enjoy. I know you will, I mean who doesn't love a good fantasy wishlist style post? 

I know these pictures may not speak loud and clear "VACATION" to your heart but they do to mine. I have not lived in a home in over 10 years. I miss that comfort of having my own room. I often dream of me and my husband living together some day and wonder how in world would or could we ever have a home. The idea is much more of a fantasy than a reality. These pictures really are love though aren't they. I don't need much. 

 Yes. Tis true. My tush would agree that I am a lover of sweets. I know. It isn't the healthiest affair but I can't resist a tasty and moist cupcake accompanied by the same type of frosting. Or PANCAKES! I love pancakes. They are Gods deliverance to breakfast :). Yes. I am a pancake gal. Make me a batch of these for breakfast and ladies I shall definitely smile and be your friend forever. 

I want adventure. I want to travel the road less traveled in Christ. I want to see the world truly through His eyes and with Him right by my side guiding and leading me. I have so many fears but Lord you are my strength. There are so many untouched areas of this world I have yet to see and I often wonder how. How a girl like me could ever see or experience them?

Thank you for stopping by. I leave you with one last picture. ♥ CheChe

"Love is Louder than the pressure to be PERFECT ♥ "

Amen.

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Spirited Rant

If Jesus is not the reason I'd love to stop believing.
I just see so much around me.
So many distractions and so much unappreciated BEAUTY.
 I cry out and my vocal chords give way.
I can not speak the desires perfectly of my ♥.
I am just rambling. I feel so much today. I feel so much SPIRIT within me that if I could at this moment in this public library I would jump into some sassy ballet stance and leap gracefully around the other students here allowing my voice and mind to be cut off and the HOLY SPIRIT to speak amplified through my heart...
I love my Savior.
He has changed my life and my perspective within the life he has given me.

I can see him in my day you guys! I can hear him and I occasionally respond immediately. The future with him flows out of my eyes. Because I know it is good. All good things come through him. He and the father are one. Through him we have access to the Father. The Father is well pleased with his Son. I don't know where that or any of this came from but I am inspired and I reckon God is my muse.

I was just sitting here abusing my internet privileges and watching an episode of Gossip Girl Season 4 Episode 1 and when I finished I just left for a second or something? I was out of my body and I was in my body and I was so in LOVE.

Is any of this making sense to anyone... Because I most certainly do not understand it...

Last night at church a man from Uganda came and spoke. He said many things and the spirit was alive and present in him. He spoke on being USED. GOD sees what we can not see in ourselves. What I can not see in myself. He sees the tools he has planted within me and He has a will and plan for those tools of mine. I want to go to Africa. I sat there watching the video of my native lands and I saw myself in one of the girls on screen. I saw myself in a few faces and my heart ached to serve and do something for my brothers and sisters in Africa.

When I first came to know the Lord last year I was immediately in need to leave America and be of service somewhere. I picked up our churchs missions book and saw that there are Calvary Chapels on literally every continent. I read through the missions book and looked at the prayer requests hoping God may show me where he wanted to lead me. This was well over 7 months ago? He didn't speak to me on where. I assumed Ireland for whatever reason.

No, I do believe my God spoke to me last night. He answered me. He told me my hearts desire, the desire that aligns with his will.

Just a little f.y.i...

I am not a missionary! I mean, I wear highheels when I ride my beach cruiser to school. I am in love with heels actually. I dream of lovely fabrics draping my body and expensive silks in my bedroom one day. I am a spoiled, Jesus loving., California girl who prays to have a heart and mind ONLY for my Lord. But that is where I am today.

Of course he has worked in me and changed so much about even these things I just touched on. But I see them and I hear the thoughts that I think and I know I am far from being able to get down and dirty in the slums of Africa. Whereever he has called me I know that only by the strength of God would I be there and be able to be of any type of service.

But that is EXACTLY what I am talking about. God will give me that strength, that courage and those words I need to say to do his will :). I don't need to look at just how far from PERFECT I am in light of this particular situation. I don't need to worry about HOW I will become the woman I believe I need to be in order to do Gods will. He will provide.

Just a quick update on my personal life. I got my car fixed basically for free because of the love God has for me and for his obedient servants who happened to take the shape of my mom and Grandmother. Please keep these women both in your prayers btw if the thoughts strikes! I then received the invitation to be on my Grandmonthers phone plan to help me save money just because I simply could not afford to have one anymore. God provided these things. I am so thankful for the family I have and the love they have for me but without God I would be carless and phoneless right now because my pride tells me I am unworthy of reaching out for help when I so desperately am a wreck.
However, I digress. The last two weeks I survived with no money. I was fed, I received free gas, I attended church, I attended an event I planned for the 18-25 year old bible study I attend when I had no gas at all. Long story short me and a brother in Christ planned NARNIA NIGHT (I had never seen Narnia and I had no idea just how much biblical symbolism was in that movie!) and the night before I was driving home from church and realized wow, I don't know how God is getting me to the movie night I planned or if he is. But I had peace about it.
I digress again.

GOD PROVIDES! He has taken these two weeks to show me just how much he cares and just how much he loves me and JUST HOW CLOSE HE IS TO ME EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY / HOUR/ MINUTE/ SECOND.  I was forced by my own irresponsible ways to see the GOD OF ETERNITY. He has not changed since he lead the Israelites out of slavery and he is no different than the GOd who revealed the Revelation of Jesus Christ to John on the island of Patmos. HE is my God who died for my sins so that I may have victory over them and come back to my Father. I am not to worry about the hows of my life.

SOME ARE:

• how will I ever attract a husband?
• how will I ever finish school?
• how will I ever get to Africa/Haiti?
• how will I ever pay off this or that?
• how will I ever live on my own...?
• how will I ever be a loving submissive wife?
• how will I ever help raise other human beings?
• how will I ever...

The list definitely goes on y'all. But you get my point.
God has a plan for me and you. He knows this plan and it is good. It will be carried out. However, the road there is what worries us. God has told me to just focus on his face and seek his face in all that I do and I will get there. He has told me that obedience and surrendering are required of me on this road. I need not worry only obey and surrender unto Him and the rest will be good.

Easier said than done I know but I have been obedient and surrendered and it was a struggle, but when I finally did I witnessed GOD show me his face and say "this is my daughter of whom I am proud for she seeks to please her Father." Oh dear God, amen.


Thank you for stopping by one of my spirited rants. I love you all and God bless you and keep you on this special day he has given us! Seek his face and he will guide your ways. For he is good and we can put all our trust in him.


talestai***



♥cheche



____________________________

just a picture of one of my favorite shirt dresses! I am in love with this shirt. Every time I wear it I feel the urge to take pictures and I feel so much more AFRICAN than American. If that makes any sense :)..

taking pictures while riding my bike from school= SO FUN :). pray it isn't illegal.. ha ha Goodnight ladies and gent!

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Revelation ♥

The Revelation study for this past week is going amazing tonight. I really am so excited about the book of Revelation, it was a big part of my first steps in Christ. I remember skimming through and randomly stopping and certain scripture and just feeling so much JOY and FEAR for this nation that I could not sleep that night. I don't understand how certain churches refuse to not even open this book or how anyone can ignore it because it truly is a blessing to read. Revelation !:3 "Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written in it; for the time is near". The promise is not just a saying God himself gave us that promise within the first three verses of the amazing Prophecy of Jesus Christ given by an angel to his beloved disciple John.

I love how John hears Gods voice and knows it is his and turns around after The Son of Man had spoken. I love how he describes the voice our Lord like that of a trumpet. A powerful and very loud instrument. That is the natural voice of our Savior!? How much he humbled himself to make himself like that of man while he was here on earth. Imagine how crazy it would have been to have Jesus walking around teaching and preaching with a piercing voice like a trumpet? Who would have denied a man like that? Or with a countenance that shines like the sun. No one. For the Devil himself knows Jesus is Lord but Jesus came to die so that we might be saved and he came to save those who were lost. He was not here to boast  favoritism.

I am so unlike you Jesus. I want Glory. I want people to like me and the thought of them not liking me really does make me sad sometimes. I Know you are lord above all and that All Glory is yours but I still am struggling with these things. Thankfully I know that surrendering these things to you daily will bring me to a place where I no longer have to struggle with them. Thank you for hearing me in all my cries!

Well, I still have a bit more work to do So I'm going to go. I wish I could have my family turn the t.v down and just focus 100% on His word and this study but it is a blessing all on its own to Study the Word of God at all. amen

♥cheche

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I don't have a lot of time BUT I just wanted anyone and everyone to know that the dark clouds DO eventually pass away. Light does shine through! Do not give up in doing what is good because the father sees you and he is overjoyed in all of your good works and all the good you possess in YOUR HEART! He looks first at the heart anyways right?

So I didn't really have a great day at school today. I had a headache that dominated me for a few hours. I think I am going to make an appointment and go to the doctors soon because I just don't want whatever is going on to get ANY worst than it needs too.

I have been asked to go to HAITI next summer!! I don't know if it is a definite thing so me and my girls will be meeting Fridays just so we can pray over it and other things we feel the Lord has put on our hearts and just strengthen our bonds through Christ. For whatever reason the Lord has brought me together in a different type of closeness with certain people and I know that ANYONE he has in my life is ONLY there because of him and therefore I should make sure that we are both seeking God with our hearts and building our friendships off him. Otherwise we will end up TRYING to be close on our own and boy, do we ALL know how that ends? lol You have your first mishap and everything crashes but with Christ ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE and he will never lead anyone into my life that he can not keep there. He does possess the power that overcomes DEATH after all. I really have been meditating on that. My father overcame death and has given me that SAME POWER??? Is that not the craziest thing y'all..

My Grandmother is amazing. Without disclosing too much she is just an amazing, strong and intelligent woman and I just feel so blessed to have spawned from such a marvelous creation. She is ONCE AGAIN (sadly...haha) helping me out of another situation. This time it was actually something that I wasn't even planning to worry about because there are just so many bigger things in this world but she has provided me with access to a phone and although I desperately want to say I am an independent 21year old and that I declined I decided to accept and it was humiliating but she immediately encouraged me and I didn't feel so bad for the gift. "That is what family is for." She said those words and I just felt so guilty for a second because I haven't been much help to my family. Thank God for his patience and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!! I know he loves me and all of this is really from him. My grandmother is only doing something we all struggle with. ALLOWING GOD TO USE US!! amen. We are our biggest obstacles and enemy in letting God use us. I'm so blessed!

I'm meeting up with a friend to get some food but I love you all and thank you for stopping by. Please keep Haiti and me in your prayers if you can!! If he leads me there I want to know that I am going STRICTLY to be used by him and not for my own selfish desires. The idea scares me in ways you cannot imagine so all prayers will CERTAINLY help the nerves :).


♥ cheche

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Rant of Love ♥

The children, I'm sorry. Students! :) The students in my English class are pushing my unholy buttons :(. I haven't had any trials thus far in my walk with Jesus towards the students in my classes. Maybe with the curriculum and the teachers beliefs but never felt such hostility from my peers. Long story short my group was disregarded and the rest of the class teamed up to share answers for the quiz (each group made the quiz so everyone combined had the answers). I think I was extremely hurt and regressed back into the WHEN CHE IS HURT CHE SHOWS ANGER AND STRENGTH. Rather than praying about it I gave in. I even said some smart remarks about conspirators. The funny and ironic thing was before the quiz everyone wanted OUR groups answers. As if our groups answers were the only ones they DID NOT KNOW? So obvious right?

Anyways My point for even addressing this in my blog is I am faulty. I am imperfect. I am sadly easily angered in MANY areas of my life still. And God has a reason for revealing this to me. A part of me feels I should go in with a clean slate mentally and be friendly to my peers but another part would rather live the rest of the semester staying away from all of them and focusing on my studies. I think this goes back to the NAZI childhood of being ACCEPTED or NOT ACCEPTED amongst peers. Being the only black girl (well, there were 3 of us at one point) in a all Mexican elementary school and neighborhood I had MANY lessons on how different I was. I learned at an early age that others can choose not to like you, and even make fun of you and showing weakness only fuels them. So I put on my tough mask and chose to beat others to making fun of myself as well as Being AGGRESSIVE so that others could not have a chance to intimidate me in any form.

That little Che must really be angry still because I can feel those same emotions coming up and it hurts and sucks. I just want to be able to love ALL of them like Jesus but instead I'm praying not to tell them all off and use big words and make them feel dumber than me. Yeah, this is the mind of your Christian friend Che. She isn't that cute sometimes is she? She also weirdly talks in third person and types it as well :). FUN FACT FOR YOU!

I really could use prayer over this. It seems small but it is eating me up and causing me to really feel horrible. I know I am not condemned but these thoughts and plots eat away at a persons spirit. I need the strength of Christ for this remaining semester and I really just want to love these little children.

"FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO". -Jesus on the cross after being tortured, beaten and given the death of a sinner which he was the exact opposite of.

Jesus said those words about me and you. He said those words with pure love and compassion for his murderers and all of mankind! Yet I hold a grudge against my neighbor for not liking me and being a little childishly mean??  Ughh.. I want to be like Jesus. And everyday I seem to realize just how much I need him in order to even resemble a fraction of who he was and is and is to come.

God help me please. I want to love as you do. Take this burden from me! I love you and I ask for your forgiveness once again.. Amen

Thanks for listening! anyone else gone through something similiar??

♥

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THURSDAY NIGHTS ♥

tonight I began the REVELATION STUDY my women bible study at church is beginning! So excited to see what the Lord reveals through this exciting new season. I am so blessed to be single and able to spend all my time catering to my own needs and focusing on GOD. HE really never lets us down! 

I choose to honor you

I choose to honor you

I want to be like Jesus

I want to be like Jesus

You are holy you are pure

you love is great and your mercy endures*

Jesus

Jesus

Je-suuss

Just a song that was stuck in my head after worship tonight. I do choose to honor my Lord. That is something that really requires 24/7 effort. God doesn't only want our bodies, our minds, and our hearts. he wants us fully and willingly to desire his presence and his love above all other creation. All comes through him and therefore all should fall beneath him right!? Easier said than done of course. Let his spirit fill you, let his amazing waters quench your thirst! Just for today. Let Jesus be all you need, desire and live for. 

Pour out your spirit Lord

Pour out your spirit Lord

I want to be like JESUS

I want to be like JESUS

Thanks for stopping by! I have get that CIRCUIT in for the night and head to bed. School early in the morning. YAy for math class :). Lol

Check out my newest blog tracking my fitness goal. The more followers the more likely I am to probably complete the task! AHHH Please feel free to join me in my commitment to be fit for 90 days!! The first post goes over my guidelines and everything. Other than that May Jesus bless you and keep you :)!!

♥

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Vegan Apple pie and 1st time TICKET ♥

Just a little bit of random stream of consciousness. Please do not judge. I feel like releasing :).

Two days ago at approximately 820am I chose to drive in the carpool lane and as a result I was pulled over.

Yes, I ignored the HOLY SPIRIT screaming in my head like a gentle father about to watch his child fall off their bike. I told GOD to please be quiet. I need to get to work on time. Just this once I need to break the law, okay? 2  minutes later the SPIRIT quieted and asked me "why do you disobey"? I passed a highway patrol man and before he saw me I knew I was receiving my first ticket.

I am such a brat y'all. I thought I would tell GOD to be quiet? Seriously. I feared being late to work and getting written up by my boss more than JESUS CHRIST!? AM I CRAZY? Yes. But am I that crazy?? No! I am a stupid, sinful little child. I have definitely learned my lesson. God does not like to see us putting ANYTHING before him. He is quick to remind us that our lives lay in his hands not in our sight or own strength. I know these things. Knowing is nothing without faith and OBEDIENCE.

Today I saw _______ for the first time in a while. The last time was when we met for coffee. God, thank you so much for giving _______ a caring heart. There are so many out there who would not use their TRIPLE A to help their ex-girlfriend that broke up with them have her car towed. I really, really am so in love with the heart that  _______ has. When we talked today I, of course, was distant and kept it surface deep. I feel sometimes when I talk to _______ about what is important to me there often isn't much of an active response. That was something I often felt in our relationship. So, instead of being rude and getting upset, I listened to _______ talk and made responses and kept it friendly. _______ hardly noticed. A part of me wanted to let _______ know, "in the future, a girl wants to know she is being heard. Not just acknowledged in the fact that she did speak." But I felt that I should just keep my mouth tight on the topic.

I found myself looking into _______ amazing, blue eyes. Only, those blue diamonds were exactly that. Nice looking eyes. I didn't feel the urge to hug _______. I didn't desire _______ hand on mind. I felt a bit uncomfortable in the car that once was as comfortable as driving in my car. Things have changed. I am extremely thankful for this realization. I am and have moved on. Wow. Isn't that scary? That feeling of knowing that you are actually never going to be with that person again. That feeling of satisfaction in your heart-breaking choice? God is so great, and swift to heal. It really has not been that long since the cut-off took place. I could be in a much worst place today which is how I know that the GOD I serve is faithful and real.

There's a Christian Club on campus :). Not affiliated with the "other" Christian Club either. I am excited to join :). They meet the days that I am on campus. I talked to some of the girls and it felt really nice. Will whoever you are that is reading be praying for this. Since attending the "other" Christian Clubs church, I am very apprehensive about new CHRISTIAN churches, groups or anything with a Christian title. I am quick to judge and it is something I struggle with and until today had not prayed too much on. After speaking to the girls REVELATION and the letters to the new Churches was brought up. I thought of how GOD had something to say to all of the Churches. None of them were perfect. It was like a piece of beef in marinade and at the end of my math class it had been roasted to perfection. I immediately knew what God was telling me. ALL FALL SHORT! Unless a group is completely blaspheming God and HIS word I have no right to judge. I can differ, I can choose to stay away, but I have NO RIGHT as a SINNER SAVED BY GRACE to judge.

This is something that really changed the rest of the day. I feel how we are spiritually, leaks into the rest of our lives, sometimes. If I am always looking for faults in other believers or waiting to hear something that I do not agree with I will definitely be doing the same in the world with co-workers, clients, classmates...etc. I need to focus PURELY ON MY WALK WITH CHRIST. He will direct me. My job is to stay close and lean not on my own understanding. If I am confused then I need to ask him for help and he will speak to me like always. Whether it be through my faithful, amazing and extremely intelligent Grandmother who serves Jesus Christ or a stranger in a coffee shop or a thought unlike my own. HE will always deliver when it brings him glory.

a nice fat slice for the girl who drove illegally. Seriously, I really didn't deserve this pie. Thank you Madre :).

I had apple pie TUESDAY. I think my mom saw how upset and distraught I was over the TICKET I received. She allowed me to go get my favorite VEGAN APPLE PIE from WHOLE FOODS MARKET in her car and with her own money. My mom really is amazing. I know we never see our Mothers as perfect 24/7. I just think of how much weight she carries on her shoulders with raising me and my siblings and the roof she has provided on her own for so many years and I can't help but think how strong she is. I love her dearly and if she were to be taken from me I would not know what to do... Apple pies have always been my favorite desert and pastime dish. However, this apple pie is made with pure joy and happiness baked right inside. It is vegan and taste more delicious than the best non-vegan apple pies out there. And I have definitely tasted them all. I had a slice last night and boy did it lift my sore spirits.

oh, I got my first item for fall :). The scarf not the pie. I love it and I of course spent less than 5 bucks for it.

I decided to eat a slice before taking the picture :). So delicious!!

 

The pie was a hit at a potluck I went to as well. Most of the guys and girls there were not into anything vegan and had I told them before would have been apprehensive. But I brought two of these 7dollar goodies and everyone was RAVING over them. One guy made a joke after I said they were vegan "Don't force your beliefs on me." I thought that was funny. Vegan and Vegetarianism for many can be a sort of religion. Where all of a sudden everything under and about those categories is an idol. I see nothing wrong with this way of  living and eating, although for me personally, having suffered from an eating disorder I can't just jump into restrictive lifestyles with food. It is something I must pray on and make sure I am putting GOD first. I went vegan for about a month and a half and became a bit anxious and stressed over it. I had to stop and realize that God will always give you peace when you are in his will. I was on a very nice looking DIET. lol And diets are never permanent. LIFE CHANGES ARE!

anyways, I rambled and had an amazing time doing so! Please know that you are loved!! I think that simple truth can make such a difference in a woman or mans life. I know it did for me. I have not been the same since :).

ENJOY YOUR THIRSTY THURSDAY! 

LET THE LORD QUENCH YOUR THIRST!

♥cheche

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FASTING♥ AUGUST 18, 2010

SO... I'm in need of LOTS of prayer.

I woke up today and got into the word (FAITHFULLY). Because THE LORD knows I wanted to just jump straight on the computer and get on FACEBOOK. lol.

While I was praying before reading I really just felt the spirit tell me straight up to NOT GO to school. I know this sounds a bit odd but I really LOVE going to school. I pride myself on being able to get an education even if it does come from a GODLESS faculty. I may not enjoy homework but the act of LEARNING and STUDYING and growing mentally is really something I believe is quite powerful in this world. It's something that everyone deserves and in some parts of the world EDUCATION could set many of the oppressed free, if they had access that is.

Yet, here I am feeling lead to not go to college this semester. Which I have already enrolled in and signed up for and everything. I just don't know what to do, and I'm seriously not sure if I'm hearing correctly because it doesn't make any sense to me.

I've shared with you all that I have been praying over bible college for over a year now and I had it put on my heart but I didn't really know what to do about it because I'm in college already and I preferred the idea of getting my B.A or at least completing transferable units and then taking time off to pursue BIBLE COLLEGE. I feel stupid for even typing this because WHEN DOES FOLLOWING GOD ever make sense to us? I'm fighting this so much you guys. I'm on the verge of tears because I can't let go and just surrender to his will for me. Because it MAKES NO SENSE!!!

The School I'm looking at is Calvary Chapels Bible college in Marietta/Murietta. It's about an hour away which isn't a bus ride away if you get my drift. They start school the same day I do and I haven't registered nor do I know how I would be able to enroll financially. Its about 2 grand a semester afterall.

Ugh. BLEH!

So, I'm fasting today until I KNOW. Until Jesus makes his ways for me clear I am fasting. I struggled with eating issues in the past but I really feel no other option at this point but to take in nothing but him and water and wait upon him.  You guys I'm so scared. I want to be a college graduate. That has been a goal of mine since I can remember. I feel so utterly lost right now and it is all my doing because God isn't lost and he knows exactly what plans he has for me and I will carry them out whether I kick and scream or not. 

God, I do love you. And i do believe in you. I know your ways for me are pure and holy and perfect. But I need your strength in me Father. The strength that rose Jesus from the grave. I need to believe.. I need to Believe that you will deliver me safely. That you will protect me and you will not lead me anywhere I am not mean to be. God I just don't know what to do exactly. I know what you want of me but I don't know what to do? What about my job, my car payments. I decided to do a tour of the school with my good friend you've placed in my life Becky. But other than that LORD I still burn with the lack of peace that comes from not knowing. Oh god, take care of me. Deliver me to your arms lord. I love you so much Father. 

♥ Amen

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♥ Blessed

God thank you so much for showing me constantly how much I need you and to seek you above all things. Because truthfully I don't remind myself enough. I feel like I do but then YOUR there speaking to me and I have to pray for the love you deserve to receive from me.  I want to worship you in that continual way that compares to the ANGELS in heaven, Lord.  Your love is so tangible at times I am overwhelmed and saddened because I desperately want to know ALL OF YOU LORD. So I just pray Jesus, to continue to seek your face EACH AND EVERY DAY, cada dia LORD! con todo mi corazón y todo mi cuerpo!

Today was a blessed day :). I hung out with my new friend Angie and it was awesome to be able to discuss the Lord openly with a friend and to receive their insight and feedback. I often find myself having to just STOP talking because I really talk way too much sometimes in conversation. It's not so much that I enjoy the sound of my own voice as it is that I don't want to bore people or make it awkward so I try to fill the void with my voice to keep things comfortable on my end. Yeah, I know. I have only recently (about a few months ago) realized just how selfish it is because I am doing all the talking and also doing it to make MYSELF comfortable around someone else. So now I have to gauge myself and mentally take a pause. It's proving to work so far and I find that often people I think are quiet have something to say, they just need room to do so ;). Apologies to those who suffer in conversation with me it really is something I'm in the process of letting go of.

     My family in Oakland read my blog! I was so excited and overwhelmed with joy. I felt closer to them just knowing. Well, my grandmother and cousin did. I really was nervous today when I sent out invitations to people. In the past I have always been secretive with my thoughts and this is the next big step in learning to be open and honest with my thoughts and just pray God receives glory from it and praise. Because before I was ever saved I lived in a LONELY, ISOLATED world that I had alienated myself into with just Myself and my sad godless thoughts. If purgatory existed in any form that would have been a grand description of who I had become throughout high school. Of course, the end result when we focus only on ourselves as humans is Depression which of course was my life theme for many years.
     That being said every day with the Lord is a gift and a blessing and he delievered me to the happiness I
     believed to be a myth, and peace, and love and he will hold my heart and my life forever :).

It was fun getting out and doing some straight up WINDOW shopping because I am quite broken 'nd blessed. I saw so many new styles and cute clothing and I had to pray for me and my struggles with body image the whole while through. I've put on weight since being delivered from a battle with Anorexia and Bulimia and although I do overeat at times I find comfort in knowing that I could be doing things that have a way more detrimental effect on my health so if that means I'm going to be round and thick again SO BE IT.

SCRIPTURE
My day with angie ended later than I had expected which was great and then I hurried on to a fellowship Meeting at church and was blessed with Pastors teachings on James1:1-4.  "COUNT IT ALL JOY". In reference to trials and tests James declared to the 12 tribes COUNT IT ALL JOY!!! Boy is that a great comfort because when I see trials and test I want OUT!! haha. Not to look at the joy that will come from it and the renewing of my faith through stronger belief in his word and patience that he will get me through every trial that comes after the next. That just isn't what I do naturally. Of course I've always found myself feeling stronger and with much more patience and OVERWHELMING JOY, but James allows us to see just how NECESSARY as believers it is for us to suffer in these trials because we suffer with Christ! Now if that aint assuring I don't know what else to tell ya hun. I think if we look at the end result of trials as belivers we will have a whole new outlook while we are GOING through them.  We will see that all of this is leading to a better me and a stronger relationship with our savior JESUS CHRIST<<3

FRANCINE RIVERS ♥

so i am almost done with my second book by her The Scarlett Thread. Oh, I cannot emphasize the importance of this book in my life. Or the impact it has had on my faith and my heart. Francine seamlessly weaves two amazing stories of The Lords faithfulness and ability to restore all things that are broken when we seek his face above all things! I am a few chapters away from finishing and would have been done days ago but ya'll know a girl is broke and does her reading leisurely within the confines of bookstores for FREE :).Within two weeks you can not only get outside and get some walking in but finish an amazing novel of your choice with about 1 1.2 hours to spare every other day. It's how I finished many books including REDEEMING LOVE also by Mrs. Rivers.

Well that about does it for me tonight. I can't think of anything else I really wanted to cover. Oh prayer updates&requests:

-Got my little sister to come with me to the Evangelist night we have at church and she was very angry by the end of the service *(holy spirit was convicting many that NIGHT :) )  I prayed my eyes out when they made the call to come accept christ and be forgiven but it's on the lords timing not mine. I cried and had to fight back the tears so my sister would not see just how badly I want her to be saved and healed. Be praying for her, my brother and my mom. <3
-I still have no idea how Bible College is happening but its on my heart nonetheless and heavy with weight. Pray gods will be carried out accordingly! He is faithful I look forward to seeing how that works out.
-School Starts in a week and I am nervous. Pray I not be faced with too many radical Professors looking to scare or teach the god out of anyone. Secular schooling can be very spiritually depressing and it just shows how big this battle for our lives is.
-I mentioned it earlier but the issues with the sin of obsessing over my weight and how I look are still receiving attacks daily (although not as powerful) and while I am a year free of those practices that were of sin these attacks are draining I just need prayer to see myself with solely the eyes of Jesus Christ as well as seeing others with his eyes as well! 

dang, I sure know how to type novels don't I. Be praying for discernment in ALL areas of my life and the protection of the lord to be around me always and for his spirit to THRIVE in me. Thank you lord.

♥

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