Monday ♥ /False Jesus

Hey guys!
Today is a much better day. Last nights post was definitely well worth it because not only did the extreme bloat-a-tion that I was experiencing while writing that GO AWAY but today I opened all the blinds and let light inside of our often cave-like apartment and put on my comfy shirt. It really is the simple things that can completely turn around an unfortunate lack of positivity.

Today, I woke up planning to go to the Lake and walk it alone and maybe finish up Sense and Sensibility, but then I walked outside with JUDE (the doggie) and walked back in disappointed. We have so many heavy clouds in the distance and although the sun was shining on what seemed to be ONLY my city, the brisky chill in the air was more than enough to defeat my plans.

With that being said I have been inside all day looking at the WH|BM website and studying the product. As well as, the J.BRAND website studying the various jeans they sale and wanting desperately to try them on. It is REALLY hard to find pants that fit me and are comfortable so I usually stick to buying dresses. But lately I have been wanting to wear my neutral heels and a pair of rockin and fitted jeans with a sleek button up. (yeah, I get outfit cravings... Often the clothes don't exist either) But it hasn't been accomplished. Not that I could ever afford a pair of those jeans BUT I am definitely good at finding what I want and need and desire on thrifting trips, so I will be keeping and eye out for J. Brand the next time I hit up one of my go-to spots.

Well Ladies. I just wanted to let you all know what I was up to. Nothing really profound going on in my mind. TONIGHT, I attend a women's Home group meeting in TUSTIN from church. I am beyond excited. The Lord really does give us the desires of our hearts and I know that this is nothing more than another answered prayer of mine. The woman who leads it gathers in her home and welcomes all women and she basically hosts a christian and spirit filled version of AA only their are no steps. You get the support that you desire from being able to share your struggles and praise reports while being around people who are like-minded in their faith. A.K.A People who believe in the true and LIVING GOD, Christ Jesus.



I have a heavy burden burning in my heart. I keep finding blogs and bloggers who claim to know Jesus. But then I realize that our Jesus are two totally different people. While the Lord I know is the Messiah who was and is GOD. Theirs is a warped and demented version of the Christ. He is either one of many Gods, not GOD or only the SON OF GOD. Basically the trinity is non-existent in their particular faith.

I struggle with this deeply because it is purely the lie of the enemy in the phony form of "true faith". I want desperately to set these amazing people free from this lie. I want them to know the GOD they worship is not the GOD of the bible. That the God they worship will ultimately be the death of them in that fiery lake of Sulfur. 


I don't know how or what it is GOD necessarily wants me use this burning for. I'm banking it is 100% for His Glory though. I know that it is definitely Him within me that breaks my heart for these lost children of His. I know the Devil has lead them astray and I pray that Christ would truly become known to them and that they would receive His holy spirit and that they would in turn DWELL IN HIS KINGDOM FOREVER.

Let it be True Lord.



HAPPY MONDAY LADIES!
Blessings all around ♥

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Psalm ♥

 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."
Psalm 51:10

Am I the only one who loves when they see a scripture in the midst of just downright despair?
Of course, this despair comes none other than from looking at myself. Which is something that no matter how many times I tell myself only leads to resentments, depression and bouts of mind wrestling I STILL seem to fall victim to.
I'm not looking for pity. This blog was originally started to let it all out. Raw, unfiltered, sick, little thoughts.

RIGHT NOW THIS VERSE IS ONE THAT SPEAKS MY FEELINGS PERFECTLY!!

Ugh. Okay, Maybe I'm being a brat. I don't want to weigh you all down but it has just been a hard day. And I am just struggling with trying to NOT struggle... you know?
I don't understand what people do to keep sane when they are completely out of control.
I ate so much today. I spent so much on food in the process. And I just didn't make the best choices physically which upsets me spiritually and emotionally somehow.

The days where I am completely comfortable in my own skin without having to force myself to love the body I am in are something I desperately look forward to.

God please create in me a CLEAN heart and RENEW a right spirit within me so that I can just... Not have something higher than you in my life. I realize that me always looking at my body and my flaws is just me giving power to the craziness. I've created an idol out of myself in a way Father and I am so sorry but I don't know how to shake it. Please Lord, Please help me.

While everyone is writing about how much they love their mothers and about mothers day I am crying out to the Lord via the internet about who other than... MYSELF.

Ugh. Sorry ladies.
I'll be back up and running in no time. Just had to let it out.

♥Chetreanna

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FASTING♥ AUGUST 18, 2010

SO... I'm in need of LOTS of prayer.

I woke up today and got into the word (FAITHFULLY). Because THE LORD knows I wanted to just jump straight on the computer and get on FACEBOOK. lol.

While I was praying before reading I really just felt the spirit tell me straight up to NOT GO to school. I know this sounds a bit odd but I really LOVE going to school. I pride myself on being able to get an education even if it does come from a GODLESS faculty. I may not enjoy homework but the act of LEARNING and STUDYING and growing mentally is really something I believe is quite powerful in this world. It's something that everyone deserves and in some parts of the world EDUCATION could set many of the oppressed free, if they had access that is.

Yet, here I am feeling lead to not go to college this semester. Which I have already enrolled in and signed up for and everything. I just don't know what to do, and I'm seriously not sure if I'm hearing correctly because it doesn't make any sense to me.

I've shared with you all that I have been praying over bible college for over a year now and I had it put on my heart but I didn't really know what to do about it because I'm in college already and I preferred the idea of getting my B.A or at least completing transferable units and then taking time off to pursue BIBLE COLLEGE. I feel stupid for even typing this because WHEN DOES FOLLOWING GOD ever make sense to us? I'm fighting this so much you guys. I'm on the verge of tears because I can't let go and just surrender to his will for me. Because it MAKES NO SENSE!!!

The School I'm looking at is Calvary Chapels Bible college in Marietta/Murietta. It's about an hour away which isn't a bus ride away if you get my drift. They start school the same day I do and I haven't registered nor do I know how I would be able to enroll financially. Its about 2 grand a semester afterall.

Ugh. BLEH!

So, I'm fasting today until I KNOW. Until Jesus makes his ways for me clear I am fasting. I struggled with eating issues in the past but I really feel no other option at this point but to take in nothing but him and water and wait upon him.  You guys I'm so scared. I want to be a college graduate. That has been a goal of mine since I can remember. I feel so utterly lost right now and it is all my doing because God isn't lost and he knows exactly what plans he has for me and I will carry them out whether I kick and scream or not. 

God, I do love you. And i do believe in you. I know your ways for me are pure and holy and perfect. But I need your strength in me Father. The strength that rose Jesus from the grave. I need to believe.. I need to Believe that you will deliver me safely. That you will protect me and you will not lead me anywhere I am not mean to be. God I just don't know what to do exactly. I know what you want of me but I don't know what to do? What about my job, my car payments. I decided to do a tour of the school with my good friend you've placed in my life Becky. But other than that LORD I still burn with the lack of peace that comes from not knowing. Oh god, take care of me. Deliver me to your arms lord. I love you so much Father. 

♥ Amen

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August 18, 2010

I saw EAT PRAY LOVE today.

I know I may sound a bit odd or crazy to some or most but all of my spirit was against me seeing this movie. I didn't really know why because I had only seen one trailer and had no idea what the movie was about to be honest. I just rejected it from the pit of my stomach. Anyways, I of course being the woman I am right now, I decided since my mom wanted to take me that I shouldn't turn down an innocent way to bond because I'm really wanting to develop a stronger connection with her. We were able to practically spend the day together and while I still find myself not really knowing what to say to her I enjoyed listening to her and learning more about her through her just being herself. Then it was 7:05 and we were at the theatre in our seats eating popcorn and I was mentally trying to become optimistic since it felt my soul and body were uncomfortable with what was to come.

The movie was really ALRIGHT. I didn't feel connected to the character and I also realized that the ending left me feeling more hopeless for her character than at the beginning of the movie.  Worshiping false idols, going to some very odd healer, praying or meditating to some guru. The movie just reeked of new age and evil. Yeah, I guess I am a bit conservative but I feel biblical sound in my feelings and spiritually I felt extremely attacked throughout the movie. JESUS was not mentioned once even in the negative sense in a movie with the word PRAY in the title?

Has our nation come so far liberally that we can be comfortable watching every religion on the planet be portrayed but bringing up Jesus Christ is just too offensive or something? Seriously I'm really struggling with this. I feel like I just watched a hopeless person spread just how hope all are without the love of Jesus Christ and his blood giving us new life.

There is this whole scene where she speaks of "GOD DWELLS IN US AND THEREFORE GOD IS US" it was the biggest load of garbage and I can admit 2 1/2 years ago I would've jumped on that! In fact I was that person. "God is in the air in me and in everyone blah blah love all.." I don't know what else to say except we are so comfortable with our faith being attacked that we don't even realize when we are witnessing our GOD be denounced right in front of our eyes. I say this to all the other women who are of faith and watched the movie. I am the biggest hypocrite by the way.. And this is me kind of talking to myself more than anything. Because I am also a TWILIGHT FAN not a super fan more of a hopeless romantic fan therefore anything romantic I'm on board :(. lol So I'm not saying I feel like this movie is just trash but I really just felt like my spirit was crying to be out of that theater before I even sat down and watched it. And if I abide in the spirit the spirit abides in me right? So I don't know how to argue against what I felt because I know it was the truth nor do I know how to explain it.

I'm not sure how to make sense of my emotions but yeah. Thanks for listening to that rant. I just feel like I'm called to live in this world but I don't know how to exactly want to be in this world when I feel so at odds with everything about this world! It's crazy...

I really enjoyed spending time with my mom. And it was a nice REAL summer day here in California. I feel like she's a bit uncomfortable around me. I don't know why I get that feeling but it's there. I feel like we can never really TALK about real issues. It is a burden but I really seek to lift it to the LORD and just see the blessings that he grants me with her. As well as my brother and sister. It sucked to see her notice ME not feel as on fire for the movie as she was; Even more not knowing WHAT TO TALK ABOUT afterward.

I love you mom. I wish we could talk about our shared faith and our struggles together and pray together.  I wish you and i could have that mother-daughter relationship I always desired and I wish that didn't feel like such a humongous task because you really know me best.  How is it possible to feel so close to you yet so far apart at the same exact time?? I'm really feeling lonely after the breakup and it was nice to escape and spend time with you today and remember I am loved. I felt like your child today. It was amazing. I pray we get to do something like this again real soon. Because just like everyone else on this planet we are living on borrowed time and I want to connect before I am alive in the presence of God. Don't know why I'm feeling so emotional I just really would hate to lose you or leave not knowing where your soul will be.

♥

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