Dear ladies ♥,

some close sisters and Me at our college retreat :)

I apologize for my most recent absence.

Please forgive me.

This has been the longest week of my life it seems.

God has been doing a work.

I know, I said that last time.

But He is truly doing a new thing in my heart and mind...

I cannot even begin to express this amazing love and vision I have received

I didn't sleep at all this weekend...But these girls made it worthwhile :)

I have a question for you...

Can you sense and feel the urgency in the air?

He is doing a new thing!

He is asking for more...

More of Chetreanna.

MORE OF YOU!!!
He is asking for your heart, for you to trust Him, for you to claim HIS NAME above your own.

HE is asking for your surrender...

He is patiently, desperately and incomprehensibly demanding FAITH!!!



I love my family. :)



We gotta get strapped up...

We have to be women of prayer.

Women of faith.

Women of self-denial.

Women who preach the GOSPEL to ourselves so much we can't help but tell others JESUS LOVES YOU.

Through our actions...Through our smiles...Through our obedience to not be conformed to this world...

God is seeking to pour out HIS spirit upon your head right now.

Will you take Him in deeper this year?

Will you be poured into...?

Will you allow Him to empty you out?

Will you be WILLING??

Bless you girl!

Thank you for reading.

Enjoy the pictures from this year thus far.

I love you all so much.
Let me know how I can pray for you!

typical

♥CheChe

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No Apologies ♥

For the things I cannot be.
For the way I cannot do things.
For the heart that beats within me.

I will no longer feel sorry about this last one.

That I love JESUS CHRIST more than I express.

More than I show my family at times.

More than I show my co-workers.

More than I show other Followers/Christians/Disciples...etc.

I will NOT apologize...

I cannot APOLOGIZE.

To apologize is to DENOUNCE the life I've freely been given.

OLD MISSING CHAPTERS BIBLE. R.I.P

oH, HEY new lovely clutch looking bible ;).

I won't keep quiet as you taunt others who shout HIS name from rooftops.
"FOR THEIR 'RELIGIOUS' BEHAVIOR".

What I seek is not religion from my LORD.
I SEEK HIM.
FULLY, 100% HIM!!!
I desire to know HIM.
TO be more like HIM.
TO touch His face.
TO wash His feet.
I DESIRE HIM MORE THAN I COULD EVER FULFILL.

I can't keep quiet.
I must tell you this.
I must tell you that MY LIFE IS NO LONGER MINE.

I must tell you that despite myself and my weaknesses and flaws HE IS ALL THAT LIFE IS WORTH LIVING FOR...

I am not the girl who is perfect.

I am not the woman who has it together.

I am not the friend that always loves you right.

I am not the daughter who cleans up perfectly after herself.

I am not the sister who remembers to turn off the hallway light.

I am not the sister who is as responsible as you need her to be.

I am not the sister who was available for 10 years of her life.

I am not the daughter who maintained a 4.0 gpa after elementary.

I am not the daughter who loved you enough in Middle School.

I am not the daughter who made you proud throughout highschool.

I am not...
I am not...

As tears fall down my face, I plead with you...
To know that I cannot apologize.
I just can't live in this apologetic state for you.
I can't live to please you above HIM.
I can't fulfill this idea of what you need me to be.

I can tell you that I try.
I truly, truly try and constantly find myself doing it all wrong.
Not doing enough.

I see who I am.
For the last 12 years I have seen myself through YOUR eyes.
ALL OF YOU.
That is the idea of myself I have been carrying.

But I can't anymore.

I just can't carry that weight.
I can't hold myself to your view because it breaks my soul to try.
It breaks my tear ducts as the flood flows heavily.

It just hurts, because JESUS is all I can give you.
And even that I DO NOT DO ENOUGH OF.


I will never be a size XS or S.
I will never be a model.
I will never be rich.
I will never be "IMPORTANT".
Whatever that means.


I'm just really feeling heavy hearted right now guys.
I won't apologize for this rant despite the urge too.
I'm just so sick of trying to live to please people.
I'm so sick of myself and letting myself down.
I just want to share the LORD.
I just want to share LOVE.
I just want to...
I don't even know how to explain this all.

I am not apologizing. He is the way, the truth and life.
I CAN NOT BE ASHAMED.
I will not be discouraged.

By His marks, I am healed and sealed.

semi-formal night

I just ask you all for prayer.
For my walk.
For my family.
For my mind.
And for my LIFE.
I just ask you all for prayer.

Thank you.

♥CheChe 

click here to see what I participated in and info on how to read all the other ladies who BLOGGED across America and warmed cold hands and hearts this past week. REALLY BLESSED ME :).

The pictures are a collaboration of what I've been doing on my vacation that ends this coming TUESDAY. I'm not too good at taking pictures outfit wise but I got a full bathroom shot of an outfit I wore to do something sometime this week. :) blessings!

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Can I tell you about a boy?

What happens when the man you are deeply liking and becoming interested in...
And almost... well... practically falling in love with...
What happens when that MAN... Doesn't look the way you imagined Him to look?

...
SHALLOW question I know.
But that is where I am a bit.
Remember that "GUY" who looked into my eyes...
I mentioned him in a rant or something a while ago.
I'm too lazy to retrieve the post and give it to you sorry. lol
Well, that same guy who I have been praying to be struck from my mental capacity.
And for the Lord to take away from my thoughts.
That same guy is someone I am completely becoming head over heels for.
BUT...
I just don't know.
I can't tell if he is truly interested in pursuing me or just really loves me as a friend.
I can't tell if I am being overly analytical and looking too deeply into simple gestures...
I can't tell if it is safe to fully commit this desire to the Lord because I don't know if the desire is right..

All I know is that I am falling in love with someone that I barely even talk to.
Someone who has an admirable character.
Someone who has a heart set on becoming more like Jesus.
Someone who makes me crack up! Seriously. Laugh out loud.
Someone who believes I am beautiful.
Someone who has began to make my heart pitter patter and causes me to look around...
Hoping that I will see his face.

But then I get dumb.
And I think that he is totally not interested.
That he isn't the "right" guy to have strong feelings for.

AND I KNOW THAT IT IS WISE...
For me to guard my heart even more.
To protect myself from this vulnerability of admitting that I am loving someone that I don't know loves me.
In that way...


Ugh.
Oh Jesus,
You are so amazing.
And these feelings shall fade.
I pray over the vision you gave me 2 months ago.
The face you revealed to me and the man that matches that face
that I am growing to love more and more.

Lord I pray that you would make his intentions known.
That I would pray for him more than I think about him.
And that you Lord would deliver me safely away from any
distractions Lord. Not just this loveable guy in my life but ANYTHING
that is distracting me from Loving you FIRST and with all that I am.

I'M SUCH A GIRL.

At the end of the day.

No matter how much I want to be strong and hardcore.

And not "HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE"...
Because I know that means there is a chance I can get hurt.

At the end of the day.
I'm...

well I'm a woman with feelings.

AND THAT IS OKAY!

hahaha

good Lord help your child.

♥cheche

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Grace All Around Me [♥]

Yesterday was full of grace.
I am blessed that my eyes were open enough to see it surrounding me.


Yesterday His grace was...

• Covering my tardy. I slept past my alarm and ended up arriving late.
• He is the reason I called to say I was running late and didn't panic and say I was sick.
• The reason I didn't get in trouble and everything ended up working out perfectly as if I hadn't showed up late.
• Behind my only sale I had at the bank.
• Behind my BONUS sale I made at my second job.
• The reason I didn't OVEREAT!!! :). And logged my food in consistently.
• The reason I got into my word even if for a few seconds before work.
• The reason I lit up at the words that are written within HIs Holy Book.
• What covered me and kept my thoughts pure.
• What sought me when temptation reared its ugly head.
• What delivered me...
• What has always been there but allowed me to visibly encounter it.

His grace is enough for me.
And yesterday it was ALL AROUND ME.
Thank you Lord.



Do you not just LOVE the Grace of God?
So unwarranted but overly abundant!  

♥CheChe

Enjoy your Friday lovelies :)

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Love, Oh love..

"feels so good it must be love,
I give up I give in I let go let's begin
Because no matter what I do
My heart is filled with you...
Ohhh..
You got me..
Ohh
WOOAHH.
You got me.
You got me."-ColbieCaillay

"still I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this with anyone but you.
We do it all the time, blowing out my mind.
You got this look I can't describe
You make me feel I am alive...
Ohhh Your love...
Still I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this with anyone but you?"-Corrine Bailey Rae

Today Tonight as I was listening to Pandora and reading your blogs,
I was overwhelmed with the urge to cry and laugh and pray.
You see, I follow A LOT of married womens blogs.
Andddddd. I am quite single.
I'm as single as single comes I suppose.
It doesn't bother me...
That much.
I just love reading these blogs and for some reason the fact that your married almost makes me love you more.
I want that happiness of marriage.
I'm kind of going through this I'm sick of being single stage.
It started probably longer than a week ago, but it feels like it started in the last few days.

I know that this is all in God's plans for me.

I just think that maybe if I stopped looking at all of your happy marriages and:

The way some of you talk about your great husbands.

The adorable babies you guys make.

The pictures of you going out with your man or a post about how amazing he is.

THAT I WOULD FORGET I AM SINGLE AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.

I shouldn't have ever dated my first boyfriend.

I was a bit fed up with being single my whole 19 years of existence the night I met him.

But he turned out to be a beautifully, unnecessary and FATTY mistake in a strange GODLY way.

But my theory is if we as women DON'T waste time dating at least our singleness won't seem so burdenful. (And when we meet our husbands we'll just be baggage free and blessed!)

Because you won't know what your missing out on.

Holding hands, having a best friend who thinks your BEAUTIFUL, being looked in the eye and called beautiful, having a HAND TO HOLD!!!

Ugh. Some kind of WAIT ON THE LORD encouragement that was huh?

You see what kind of state I am in???

Well, I'm not trying to say I don't like where I am in life.
I know there is a LOT of stuff that God and me need to work out.

I know there is a LOT of surrender that needs to be done on my part to my Savior.

And I know that no matter how much beauty I think falling in real LOVE will be, that marriage is the beginning of dieing to self and a lot of WORK. 

But tonight, in this moment I like the thought of embarking on that scary path.

In God's perfect timing, of course.

There is a man out there and God knows whom He is.

I have the baggage of one relationship and my pride really feeds off of that because I have seen so many friends and girls give pieces of themselves away in so many relationships (and we're only in our early 20's). And I am blessed that for whatever reason men didn't want to date me in highschool or afterwards. ha ha

Seriously it was protection.

But that is the thing. Before my 2 year relationship that ended over a year ago, I was single that WHOLE time before. I just feel like I've lived the single life. I've lived it Lord. 

well, here is me making my request known. Despite how dumb and silly and desperate and pathetic I may sound. I know that sometimes we search but we don't even ask... So I am going to ask!!! In this very, very, very long blog of mine.

Philippians4:6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

• 
  

Lord, 

I pray for a man to come to me.
A man whose heart and eyes are set upon your kingdom.
A man who laughs from HIS heart and loves through your spirit.
A man who has a smile that bends me at the knees.
A strong man, Lord Willing, who can lead with the gentleness of Christ.
A man who has eyes that captivate my attention and mesmerize me.
Eyes I feel I could get lost in...
Lord I pray for a man who fits me in every way.
Who challenges me to grow, to walk, to break free in YOU!
A man who has a heart for this fallen world.
A man who wants to work for you first and seeks to do all UNTO you on this earth.
A man who loves the GOD in me and loves my imperfection.
A man who isn't vain.
A man who feels sent from you.

Oh God, I know that I don't deserve any of this. 

But I ask because you are the only one whom I can call upon.

You are God.

You are Sovereign.

So I run to you in all of my silliness like the crazy daughter I am.

And I humbly ask Lord. 

Let it be.

Night ladies! Thanks for reading if you did. ha ha I couldn't hold it all in. ;)

♥cheche

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Tuesday Share ♥

I woke up this morning to get to my 745am meeting at work at 720 for some odd reason. My alarm was set for 7 and my morning was already pre-planned the night before yet I still found myself waking up with about 10 minutes exactly (maybe a few minutes less actually) to get my lazy butt to work. Thankfully God didn't allow that to be the theme of the day.
Work was done right. I actually hit 3:5 of my contributions or sales :). Which is a success on a slow day like today. Well, busy but tons of regulars who I have already sold products to. Anyways enough bank jargon.

I was extremely blessed for the most part of the day but my overeating has been a troublesome culprit in the midst of spiritual warfare. Satan is really trying to keep me in bondage to ANYTHING in this world that he can and I being so easily swayed and allowing him to have a bit of victory in that part of my life. The overeating is so random and really the word annoying sums it up. Today on my way home I really had a full on binge session with the devilishly, delicious HOT CHEETOS PUFF CORNS... You see they are 42 pieces a serving and a serving is 140calories and I allow that minor detail to be my reason for buying them. I mean I will only eat a serving anyways, right? No harm in that. Then I have the little flaming hot goodies all alone with me in the car and I have to drive from Ralphs to church and a 2 minute trip turns into the guilty illustration of me with red fingers and a full stomach, saying to myself the whole drive there THIS IS MY LAST BITE!!! But my last bite isn't a last bite in my head because I have forgotten to really feel and allow myself to be full. I know this, yet I cannot seem to put it into practice for a WHOLE day. I haven't had a whole day of eating Intuitively or NOT EATING WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY in months probably. Maybe a few close calls but nothing memorable.
Yet, I can remember a couple of months of happiness with food. I would get full and have tons of leftovers to choose from in my fridge when I was hungry. I would get full and be satisfied with not eating anything more because food would always be there and I could come back to it when I was hungry. I would be full and the urge to eat for reasons other than being full would deplete.

Please if you feel the need lift up a prayer or two for your struggling sister. FOOD IS NOT THE PROBLEM. I AM. And the Lord, my sweet Jesus. He is capable of interceding on my behalf and He has already given me victory in this area I just can not seem to allow Him to reign. I know He can give it to me but for whatever reason I am stumbling and fumbling into His control in this area. I need Him to be enough for me and not to turn to FOOD when I have no need for it... Please, please pray!

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME! :)

Love you all
be blessed and let me know
if I can pray for you!! Because
I want to and the Lord wants to
hear you cry out :)...

Hear is to healing and His grace. May we learn everyday to walk in it TRULY!

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10 AWARDS TO BLOGS OF SUBSTANCE!!

I am a bit slow blog wise. I have not even had this blog for a month yet and I still am amazed at the time and EFFORT that people take into making their blogs so unique and captivating. I happened to be quite savvy back in the day with my xanga and myspace. Since leaving both of those, years ago now, and coming to the MELLOW world of FACE BOOK I have since forgotten ALL of those amazing skills that I possessed. I seriously am quite embarrassed (I got some pride problems) that I don't even remember how to put a link into my text and mask it with a name. Ahhh. I am also so lazy that I don't think I will be learning anytime soon. Hopefully I can gradually build up those skills that I have long since forgotten and lost :).

Just Another Smith   awarded me with a  BLOG OF SUBSTANCE AWARD on SEPTEMBER 1, 2010. I did not realize that I was receiving a award. It was my knowledge that I had been given just a plain old shout out on her page which gave me the most amazing feeling; Knowing that my blog meant ANYTHING to her was an award all in it's own.

I really enjoy this BLOG because she is just so darn cute! Seriously! It shows in her writing. After her bed bug snafu I really found myself giggling at my computer and at the same time deeply concerned that I could be in the same predicament with my husband one day, and y'all, I would be a HOT MESS! I probably would vouch to stay at a HOTEL while he took care of things. I guess I can be a bit of a princess huh? LoL.
 If you enjoy reading blogs with humor and reading about the day to day life of someone amazing then PLEASE stop by her blog and take a peak. I guarantee you will enjoy what you read!

Now, I believe I am supposed to follow the format of HER award and state my blogging PHILOSOPHY, MOTIVATION and EXPERIENCE in just 5 words. Here they are :)! :

1.God!= (THE FATHER, THE SON, THE HOLY SPIRIT)
2.TRUTH
3.LIFE
4.Women
5.HEALING

NEXT, I state 10 BLOGS I follow with SUBSTANCE! These are in Random order and I have absolutely no idea how to pick because I follow so many but I am just going to ask GOD to guide me. So take it up with him if you got an issue or complaint please :)!

BLOG AWARD OF SUBSTANCE GOES TO THE FOLLOWING:

1. A Sight to Be Seen ♥

2. FRESH GRACE

3. Life Blessons

4. Owl CITY Blog

5. Soaking Up the Sunnyside of Life

6. Simple.Little.Joys

7. Life of the Liles

8. The Flowerchild Dwelling

9. Streets and Stripes

10.PERMANENTLY AT LUNCH

BONUS BLOG:

11.  Amanda + Don   

I love this blog and the writer really just demonstrates what it means when we take our vows. Her husband is currently in the military and I would like all of you who are willing to keep this couple and your prayers and Pray for a SAFE and SPEEDY return home to his BEAUTIFUL WIFE!! 




These were hard and easy choices. Hard because I didn't want anyone to think that the number is their RANKING and I just sifted through and clipped the blogs that I constantly visit and am ADDICTED TO! lol Easy because all of these ladies and MAN write such pure love onto their blogs. I can say that when I see an UPDATE on my page from ANY of these blogs I get really excited at what they are up to, have to say, how things are progressing...etc. It's like having friends only you don't have to worry about the messy bits. You get 100 percent access to their life, struggles and their heart :)!. It really is amazing. Also as far as I know all of these blogs are IN FACT believers of My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ which just makes it extra special to be able to follow them. When Christ is involved life is never BORING. 

AMEN!


p.s. If you were listed you now are responsible to do the following. List your blogging PHILOSOPHY, MOTIVATION & EXPERIENCE !
Then list 10 blogs OF SUBSTANCE!  

THESE ARE AWARDS SO FEEL AMAZING AND BLESSED!! YOU DESERVE IT :)...


 

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Dear Lord,

Why must I always feel strong enough to text him after I've read the BIBLE? Seriously, does that make any sense at all? I had an amazing quiet time with my King this morning and was still feeling extremely sleepy after hanging out with some friends from church really late last night. So I get back into bed groggy and text him a simple question. Nothing really important just asking if he knows someone I met last night. Then he responds and all I think about it how much distance there is between us. All I see is the beautiful, SKINNY, woman that looks NOTHING like me plastered on the front of his phone. Or the GORGEOUS Latina chick pasted on his Myspace (which I happily deleted a while ago btw).

Comparison is the quickest way to UNHAPPINESS. I keep comparing myself. I keep thinking who on this planet will EVER love me again? Aside from CHRIST I feel so hopeless romantically. I feel so hopeless and unworthy ladies.. I know my worth isn't based upon the things that will fade like my body or how BEAUTIFUL I am but if I've learned anything it's to be honest in my struggles and THIS IS HONESTLY my struggle just for TODAY. I don't feel thin enough, in shape enough, proportionate, I feel lazy, in need of the gym, in need of a miracle.. lol

I already feel much better after purging that out! Financially I am STRUGGLING greatly. I need more hours at work but SCHOOL will definitely suffer if I try to overload. Plus there aren't any hours available at the BANK. I applied for a loan to cover a few things and bring me back up to positive but was respectfully declined. God WILL provide. I just wish I could Find another way to work where maybe I could do homework as well? That would be a blessing. Or a new job that pays better and allows me to have time to study and do work. Ugh. Being an adult can be a bit draining at times. Sometimes I wonder how exactly I became an adult so quickly. Soon, I'll be thinking how I became a wife, a person with a PROFESSION, kids *all of this god-willing of course :)*... I just hate having to depend on my mom for things like lunch or food. I was so spoiled in my independence and I feel like I'm back to being that child I was so desperate to break free of when I was younger. Praying I will find a mechanic willing to fix my car and for an affordable cost and that will help out a lot.

I have faith in you Lord. Though I am troubled I know you are with me. I pray that all of my words be pleasing to your ears. That I bring you joy somehow. I pray for satisfaction in each day you have given me and to remember just how SMALL I am and how GREAT you are :). You are GOD sovereign! I am but a child and thank you for being my father! You teach us in your word that if we LOVE GOD then we will Love CHRIST! That we will believe you and TRUTH will be revealed and SET us FREE. You teach us that if we don't believe in you then we believe the FATHER OF LIES who is SATAN. Thank you for freeing me LORD. Give me strength to fight the LIES of satan. TO fight with prayer, fellowship and time with you! AWAKEN MY SOUL LORD JESUS :)!! I AM YOURS FULLY. OH GOD PLEASE USE ME!!
In Jesus Name I make this Prayer
AMEN




Have a SUPER SILLY SUNDAY!
♥cheche

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August 18, 2010

I saw EAT PRAY LOVE today.

I know I may sound a bit odd or crazy to some or most but all of my spirit was against me seeing this movie. I didn't really know why because I had only seen one trailer and had no idea what the movie was about to be honest. I just rejected it from the pit of my stomach. Anyways, I of course being the woman I am right now, I decided since my mom wanted to take me that I shouldn't turn down an innocent way to bond because I'm really wanting to develop a stronger connection with her. We were able to practically spend the day together and while I still find myself not really knowing what to say to her I enjoyed listening to her and learning more about her through her just being herself. Then it was 7:05 and we were at the theatre in our seats eating popcorn and I was mentally trying to become optimistic since it felt my soul and body were uncomfortable with what was to come.

The movie was really ALRIGHT. I didn't feel connected to the character and I also realized that the ending left me feeling more hopeless for her character than at the beginning of the movie.  Worshiping false idols, going to some very odd healer, praying or meditating to some guru. The movie just reeked of new age and evil. Yeah, I guess I am a bit conservative but I feel biblical sound in my feelings and spiritually I felt extremely attacked throughout the movie. JESUS was not mentioned once even in the negative sense in a movie with the word PRAY in the title?

Has our nation come so far liberally that we can be comfortable watching every religion on the planet be portrayed but bringing up Jesus Christ is just too offensive or something? Seriously I'm really struggling with this. I feel like I just watched a hopeless person spread just how hope all are without the love of Jesus Christ and his blood giving us new life.

There is this whole scene where she speaks of "GOD DWELLS IN US AND THEREFORE GOD IS US" it was the biggest load of garbage and I can admit 2 1/2 years ago I would've jumped on that! In fact I was that person. "God is in the air in me and in everyone blah blah love all.." I don't know what else to say except we are so comfortable with our faith being attacked that we don't even realize when we are witnessing our GOD be denounced right in front of our eyes. I say this to all the other women who are of faith and watched the movie. I am the biggest hypocrite by the way.. And this is me kind of talking to myself more than anything. Because I am also a TWILIGHT FAN not a super fan more of a hopeless romantic fan therefore anything romantic I'm on board :(. lol So I'm not saying I feel like this movie is just trash but I really just felt like my spirit was crying to be out of that theater before I even sat down and watched it. And if I abide in the spirit the spirit abides in me right? So I don't know how to argue against what I felt because I know it was the truth nor do I know how to explain it.

I'm not sure how to make sense of my emotions but yeah. Thanks for listening to that rant. I just feel like I'm called to live in this world but I don't know how to exactly want to be in this world when I feel so at odds with everything about this world! It's crazy...

I really enjoyed spending time with my mom. And it was a nice REAL summer day here in California. I feel like she's a bit uncomfortable around me. I don't know why I get that feeling but it's there. I feel like we can never really TALK about real issues. It is a burden but I really seek to lift it to the LORD and just see the blessings that he grants me with her. As well as my brother and sister. It sucked to see her notice ME not feel as on fire for the movie as she was; Even more not knowing WHAT TO TALK ABOUT afterward.

I love you mom. I wish we could talk about our shared faith and our struggles together and pray together.  I wish you and i could have that mother-daughter relationship I always desired and I wish that didn't feel like such a humongous task because you really know me best.  How is it possible to feel so close to you yet so far apart at the same exact time?? I'm really feeling lonely after the breakup and it was nice to escape and spend time with you today and remember I am loved. I felt like your child today. It was amazing. I pray we get to do something like this again real soon. Because just like everyone else on this planet we are living on borrowed time and I want to connect before I am alive in the presence of God. Don't know why I'm feeling so emotional I just really would hate to lose you or leave not knowing where your soul will be.

♥

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August 16th♥

This turned out to be an amazing day. I woke up and got into the word (not immediately). I'm pretty sure I took the time to brush my teeth, clean and inspect them then put on my over sized towel that goes to my knees and sit down and read out of John 7. I was quite excited and prayed sort of in a rush before opening up his scriptures. I asked for FORGIVENESS because I'm just not there yet with a lot of things in life. Money and I tend to end up in compromising situations. I have issues with spending ONLY what I need to and what has been allotted to me and it tears me up mentally because I know that I am not in the lords will when doing those things.

After studying I made some delicious wheat and flax pancakes. Honestly I made six and although they were fairly thin I still ate all of them!

(this actually ended up being my only major meal of the day sadly because when I went to coffee with LENA:

iced tea lemonade

then after church 2 cookies 

then yogurt land and 

then a bowl of oatmeal at home)

The pancakes were delicious with my AGAVE NECTAR and so very warm. However, I substituted coconut oil for SUNFLOWER OIL this time and the sunflower oil just gave them a bit of a different after taste. I need more coconut oil :(. It just isn't the same without coconut oil in the cabinets.

I then preceded to watch ENCHANTED while I waited to see if I would be getting a ride to church or not. I was going to ride my bike for a little but I ended up deciding against it since I have no lock and therefore no secure way of leaving my bike somewhere and walking around. But ENCHANTED was really nice while I waited on my couch comfortably. I find myself really happy to have Disney movies and the few "clean" films that my family owns in my house these days. I really can't stand the movies that once brought me to tears laughing or have complete foul, and inappropriate dialogue and story lines. These films actually upset me and I get an irritating headache. The LORD is so powerful in how he changes us that our bodies literally react to things differently.

I have this hardcore romantic and happy film obsession. It has been ongoing for about 2 years now and I only see it growing. While I did enjoy ATONEMENT a lot I was sad that the love scene had to be so drastic and that directors seem to feel a film can't get the message of passion or love across without a SEX SCENE. At least, her clothes were on but still the thoughts and images are enough to cause sinful thoughts and actions to someone weak in those areas. This I think is what bothers me the most because I'm a movie buff and even study theater but I am constantly having to turn down films or leave movies because they can't just keep it Classy AND CLEAN!

Well, enough about that. I guess that was a topic that I really haven't been able to release from my mind because I was ready to write two more paragraphs on the topic.

I have a confession. I LOVE BLOGGING! but I don't know what to write about some nights and me being the perfectionist that I am I feel if I don't have anything that sounds amazing to me to write about then why even bother wasting anyone else time? ARE THERE ANY OTHER BLOGGER'S OUT THERE WHO STRUGGLE WITH THIS AS WELL? I'D REALLY LOVE SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO FEEL OR GET INSPIRED :)!

So, I try to keep my ex off limits when I write because I'm paranoid that he will not only read this but think that whatever I am writing is very not right on my part and I just don't want anyone to be talked about behind their backs from MY end. I just feel convicted when I give into it and I know how it feels to have others talking about you behind your back and it isn't a gratifying experience.

But nonetheless as a woman I am going to need to vent about my ex or future boyfriend or husband somehow and I don't see how that can be seen as "BAD" unless I'm slandering them or something right? I don't know but here I go anyways..

When my car broke down, now, two days ago I wasn't really nervous or panicky. I was disappointed about missing the Sunday service though :(. But i realized one of my most reliable "friends" is him. And in the past he was always someone that at least sounded concerned about what ever difficulties I was facing (for the most part at least). He had even used his triple AAA service to help me with a flat before which really meant a lot. So eventually I thought to get in contact with him after I called my sister then called the police out of lack of options. the thing was I realized that I had text him the night before seeing how he was after a week of not talking to him at all and the last time I had car problems I had called him and felt kind of like I was being taught a lesson for seeking him you know? 

I KNOW I SOUND CRAZY RIGHT? I'm not trying to say that my ex is why my car is not working. I think my fuel pump is the reason my car is not working. hahahhahaha Anyways, GOD IS ENOUGH and he can't be enough until I let him be enough. I think I need to just let my ex go (which i believe I have sine then) But also let him go from my list of needs. I don't need him. I may want his comfort but that is just me being selfish and seeking temporary happiness. I am a woman and I was designed to love men but I also was created to serve and worship the LIVING GOD and that is something I cannot slip away from/

Anyways it turns out my ex was of no help and actually didn't make the effort to really get back in touch with me after saying the infamous "I'll call you right back line" that is the theme of our relationship lol. I mean call me easily agitated but if my friend was stuck in the middle of the street somewhere needing assistance I'd probably call them back like I said I would? And then he did the whole "are you mad at me. I suck" bit and I was just thinking dude I"M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET CAN WE PUT YOU ASIDE FOR A SECOND. ahahha see now i am done writing about my ex sorry for that.

Well, I'm tired and have touched on every topic I think I could at this hour. I love you all and anyone who is reading  thanks! it really means a lot

BE BLESSED♥cheche

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