Have you ever just wanted to run away?
I have and most certainly do.
I suppose I will not physically run away, although it sounds quite comforting to think about it.
Maybe I will just run away Mentally.
Or maybe I should seek God and read the Bible before I check out?

I am having a bad couple of months financially. I am having a bad day today. I really, really am disappointed in myself. I pray for this perfectionism mentality to leave but it is there whether I manifest it on my own or not. I just can't see how one would not feel low, ashamed, embarrassed and irresponsible in this situation.

I got my check and it went straight to the cash advance I took out last paycheck. Perfectly fine. I intended to take out another direct deposit advance to take care of the car issue which, at least to my knowledge beforehand, was resolved. WRONG. I have actually used all of the advances, I am allotted, up until October 7, 2010.

I know this is just money issues and it really isn't something I should allow to effect me so greatly. I know this. But you guys I just feel so hopeless and depressed right now that I really don't know what to do. I have so much pride and this warped perception of independence that I have driven myself into this weird state of debt. I have it coming at me from all angles. School, Work, Family, Car, DENTIST? I have no idea how I was able to do this all within 5 short months. I'm so sorry for the negative post I just didn't know what else to do.

A blessing for me would be to go out right now. Get a job as a waitress today. Start working tonight. And start earning tips. I would like to think that is possible. It isn't but what a miracle that would be right?

So here is the deal. I need everyone.. EVERYONE to please, please pray for me. I know God hears my prayers but I feel like this calls for some team effort. If any of you can just put in a prayer for me to just overcome this obstacle and to just be strong and lead by Christ in these difficult times I would greatly appreciate it! I know with GOD all things are possible.

Right now I want to just break down and cry for myself. I am choosing to not do that. I am going to:

• get up and go walk outside to pick up my car. 
• Put the 15 dollars worth of gas that I can afford in it.
• Go to church and help with the PROPHECY CONFERENCE taking place. 
• PRAY.
• PRAY.
• PRAY

• give thanks to GOD even though I strongly want to believe there is nothing to be thankful for.

I know that this is going to have severe consequences. Some of them may not be resolved for another 5years. But this is the path that I have chosen and I am going to do my best to be a woman and stand up and take care of what I need to. I really am scared. My poor mother has been helping me but she doesn't even know that I can't pay her back now. The car has already been fixed and payed for too! Ugh.

So if anyone knows where I can go to get a loan that would be greatly appreciated :)!  I'm on my way to get my car and check out a cash advance/loan place. Please be praying for me! Being an adult is SO fun isn't it?

I know someone out there can relate to this situation. If you want to share how you came out of it that would be amazing! ha ha. Encouragement is needed right now on my end.

P.s. I don't think I will be running away anytime soon now that I let that all out!




♥cheche

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Dear Lord,

Why must I always feel strong enough to text him after I've read the BIBLE? Seriously, does that make any sense at all? I had an amazing quiet time with my King this morning and was still feeling extremely sleepy after hanging out with some friends from church really late last night. So I get back into bed groggy and text him a simple question. Nothing really important just asking if he knows someone I met last night. Then he responds and all I think about it how much distance there is between us. All I see is the beautiful, SKINNY, woman that looks NOTHING like me plastered on the front of his phone. Or the GORGEOUS Latina chick pasted on his Myspace (which I happily deleted a while ago btw).

Comparison is the quickest way to UNHAPPINESS. I keep comparing myself. I keep thinking who on this planet will EVER love me again? Aside from CHRIST I feel so hopeless romantically. I feel so hopeless and unworthy ladies.. I know my worth isn't based upon the things that will fade like my body or how BEAUTIFUL I am but if I've learned anything it's to be honest in my struggles and THIS IS HONESTLY my struggle just for TODAY. I don't feel thin enough, in shape enough, proportionate, I feel lazy, in need of the gym, in need of a miracle.. lol

I already feel much better after purging that out! Financially I am STRUGGLING greatly. I need more hours at work but SCHOOL will definitely suffer if I try to overload. Plus there aren't any hours available at the BANK. I applied for a loan to cover a few things and bring me back up to positive but was respectfully declined. God WILL provide. I just wish I could Find another way to work where maybe I could do homework as well? That would be a blessing. Or a new job that pays better and allows me to have time to study and do work. Ugh. Being an adult can be a bit draining at times. Sometimes I wonder how exactly I became an adult so quickly. Soon, I'll be thinking how I became a wife, a person with a PROFESSION, kids *all of this god-willing of course :)*... I just hate having to depend on my mom for things like lunch or food. I was so spoiled in my independence and I feel like I'm back to being that child I was so desperate to break free of when I was younger. Praying I will find a mechanic willing to fix my car and for an affordable cost and that will help out a lot.

I have faith in you Lord. Though I am troubled I know you are with me. I pray that all of my words be pleasing to your ears. That I bring you joy somehow. I pray for satisfaction in each day you have given me and to remember just how SMALL I am and how GREAT you are :). You are GOD sovereign! I am but a child and thank you for being my father! You teach us in your word that if we LOVE GOD then we will Love CHRIST! That we will believe you and TRUTH will be revealed and SET us FREE. You teach us that if we don't believe in you then we believe the FATHER OF LIES who is SATAN. Thank you for freeing me LORD. Give me strength to fight the LIES of satan. TO fight with prayer, fellowship and time with you! AWAKEN MY SOUL LORD JESUS :)!! I AM YOURS FULLY. OH GOD PLEASE USE ME!!
In Jesus Name I make this Prayer
AMEN




Have a SUPER SILLY SUNDAY!
♥cheche

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