Love, Oh love..

"feels so good it must be love,
I give up I give in I let go let's begin
Because no matter what I do
My heart is filled with you...
Ohhh..
You got me..
Ohh
WOOAHH.
You got me.
You got me."-ColbieCaillay

"still I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this with anyone but you.
We do it all the time, blowing out my mind.
You got this look I can't describe
You make me feel I am alive...
Ohhh Your love...
Still I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this with anyone but you?"-Corrine Bailey Rae

Today Tonight as I was listening to Pandora and reading your blogs,
I was overwhelmed with the urge to cry and laugh and pray.
You see, I follow A LOT of married womens blogs.
Andddddd. I am quite single.
I'm as single as single comes I suppose.
It doesn't bother me...
That much.
I just love reading these blogs and for some reason the fact that your married almost makes me love you more.
I want that happiness of marriage.
I'm kind of going through this I'm sick of being single stage.
It started probably longer than a week ago, but it feels like it started in the last few days.

I know that this is all in God's plans for me.

I just think that maybe if I stopped looking at all of your happy marriages and:

The way some of you talk about your great husbands.

The adorable babies you guys make.

The pictures of you going out with your man or a post about how amazing he is.

THAT I WOULD FORGET I AM SINGLE AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.

I shouldn't have ever dated my first boyfriend.

I was a bit fed up with being single my whole 19 years of existence the night I met him.

But he turned out to be a beautifully, unnecessary and FATTY mistake in a strange GODLY way.

But my theory is if we as women DON'T waste time dating at least our singleness won't seem so burdenful. (And when we meet our husbands we'll just be baggage free and blessed!)

Because you won't know what your missing out on.

Holding hands, having a best friend who thinks your BEAUTIFUL, being looked in the eye and called beautiful, having a HAND TO HOLD!!!

Ugh. Some kind of WAIT ON THE LORD encouragement that was huh?

You see what kind of state I am in???

Well, I'm not trying to say I don't like where I am in life.
I know there is a LOT of stuff that God and me need to work out.

I know there is a LOT of surrender that needs to be done on my part to my Savior.

And I know that no matter how much beauty I think falling in real LOVE will be, that marriage is the beginning of dieing to self and a lot of WORK. 

But tonight, in this moment I like the thought of embarking on that scary path.

In God's perfect timing, of course.

There is a man out there and God knows whom He is.

I have the baggage of one relationship and my pride really feeds off of that because I have seen so many friends and girls give pieces of themselves away in so many relationships (and we're only in our early 20's). And I am blessed that for whatever reason men didn't want to date me in highschool or afterwards. ha ha

Seriously it was protection.

But that is the thing. Before my 2 year relationship that ended over a year ago, I was single that WHOLE time before. I just feel like I've lived the single life. I've lived it Lord. 

well, here is me making my request known. Despite how dumb and silly and desperate and pathetic I may sound. I know that sometimes we search but we don't even ask... So I am going to ask!!! In this very, very, very long blog of mine.

Philippians4:6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

• 
  

Lord, 

I pray for a man to come to me.
A man whose heart and eyes are set upon your kingdom.
A man who laughs from HIS heart and loves through your spirit.
A man who has a smile that bends me at the knees.
A strong man, Lord Willing, who can lead with the gentleness of Christ.
A man who has eyes that captivate my attention and mesmerize me.
Eyes I feel I could get lost in...
Lord I pray for a man who fits me in every way.
Who challenges me to grow, to walk, to break free in YOU!
A man who has a heart for this fallen world.
A man who wants to work for you first and seeks to do all UNTO you on this earth.
A man who loves the GOD in me and loves my imperfection.
A man who isn't vain.
A man who feels sent from you.

Oh God, I know that I don't deserve any of this. 

But I ask because you are the only one whom I can call upon.

You are God.

You are Sovereign.

So I run to you in all of my silliness like the crazy daughter I am.

And I humbly ask Lord. 

Let it be.

Night ladies! Thanks for reading if you did. ha ha I couldn't hold it all in. ;)

♥cheche

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Do Not Read...

Unless you want to be highly disappointed and upset with me...

So... As if I don't get personal enough. HERE WE GO :).

I am realizing a lot these days.
I almost want to cry thinking about it.

I suck at being a GODLY WOMAN. I truly do.

I look to HIM and then as soon as temptation rears it's head I retreat to the flesh.

I have recently taken some stuff that doesn't belong to me.

I was given a crumb, I guess you can say and decided to eat a few cookies.

That is putting it blog friendly.

And also because PRIDE is keeping me from being the raw woman I was created to be.
I know that GOD FORGIVES but I can't seem to grasp how I live in that forgiveness.

How I repent and sin no more in certain areas of my life.

As soon as I feel I have allowed CHRIST to reign supreme the veil comes crashing down.

I write this blog to inspire, encourage, release and be real in my faith.

But these last few days have been a struggle. One that I am ashamed to admit to you right now.

My past is buried and dead and I am a new creation born in CHRIST.

RIGHT?

Then why did I do what I did.

And why didn't that FORGIVENESS satisfy as it has numerous times before.

I cut off a relationship full of sexual sin for my God by the strength of GOD.

I haven't thrown up in over 2 years by the same spirit!

I don't cuss anymore... I don't know why but I was quite the naughty sailor and now I sometimes wonder if it would even feel natural if I tried...

Yet... I could do something so dumb. So freaking...ahhh... oajfdijaoidjowjraoejawj;r

Whew.

You guys are great. And you deserve someone honest. 

Someone who doesn't steal. Someone who has not tried to take her life into her own hands after giving it to Christ.

I really want to just tell you all to stop following me. So I can physically see the manifestation of the consequences of my sin.

But to be quite honest, the fact that GOD has seen it and still thought it was perfectly fit to die on the cross for me because HE LOVES ME is by far the worst consequence.

oh God.

Have mercy on me.

I don't know what is going on.

But I don't ever want to lose you.

You stay the same but GOD I have changed.

Please CREATE A NEW HEART IN ME.

I need you Lord.

Thanks for reading and I seriously apologize for being such a fool.

God has great plans for me I just wish I could let them happen and stop being such a control freak.

♥cheche

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