Psalm ♥

 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."
Psalm 51:10

Am I the only one who loves when they see a scripture in the midst of just downright despair?
Of course, this despair comes none other than from looking at myself. Which is something that no matter how many times I tell myself only leads to resentments, depression and bouts of mind wrestling I STILL seem to fall victim to.
I'm not looking for pity. This blog was originally started to let it all out. Raw, unfiltered, sick, little thoughts.

RIGHT NOW THIS VERSE IS ONE THAT SPEAKS MY FEELINGS PERFECTLY!!

Ugh. Okay, Maybe I'm being a brat. I don't want to weigh you all down but it has just been a hard day. And I am just struggling with trying to NOT struggle... you know?
I don't understand what people do to keep sane when they are completely out of control.
I ate so much today. I spent so much on food in the process. And I just didn't make the best choices physically which upsets me spiritually and emotionally somehow.

The days where I am completely comfortable in my own skin without having to force myself to love the body I am in are something I desperately look forward to.

God please create in me a CLEAN heart and RENEW a right spirit within me so that I can just... Not have something higher than you in my life. I realize that me always looking at my body and my flaws is just me giving power to the craziness. I've created an idol out of myself in a way Father and I am so sorry but I don't know how to shake it. Please Lord, Please help me.

While everyone is writing about how much they love their mothers and about mothers day I am crying out to the Lord via the internet about who other than... MYSELF.

Ugh. Sorry ladies.
I'll be back up and running in no time. Just had to let it out.

♥Chetreanna

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Memories... ♥

So I was going to post some pictures of what I have been up to recently.
In particular these few:

using my close friends new i-phone to do nothing else but take pictures of myself. lol

got to have coffee with Mercedes in Mission Viejo! Such an amazing time...

avocado, tomato, herbed cream cheese, egg...BREAD. Lenas amazing sandwich that I had to take a picture of at CHAMPAGNES. Have you ever gone to CHAMPAGNES FRENCH BAKERY??? It is soo amazing.

tofu in teriyaki sauce w/ brown and white rice for Tracie. Mediterranean veggie sandwich and cajun fries for Me :). Lazy dog cafe was quite delicious!

me and Yessica at LAURA'S wedding :)

Jessica and I at Laura's wedding.. ♥

Two of my dear sisters and me goofing around in the front of my car. Yes, it is a three seat front seat. We keep it legal and classy at 10pm. 

I was running through Facebook clicking and saving these pictures to show to you guys. Really, I wanted to just show that I have friends. I know, quite pathetic. But sometimes this blog can become so focused on what is going on in my head and all the craziness that accompanies it, I forget the joy that God has given me in the beautiful women and relationships that I have. These girls are all sisters of mine. They love the Lord. They encourage me in my walk and they love me with all of my crazy, crazy, CRAZY izms that I bring to the table.

But I had a life before all of them. And I saw the pictures of that life. It is so funny how a smile can be so misleading. Although, I displayed such a happy smile I was severely under eating in most of these pictures. I was depressed and suicidal. And I was quite desperate for any type of hope. I was getting into new age healing. But I still couldn't find true joy and peace. Even in the great friendships I had then... I rarely felt safe with who I was... I don't know what I'm really talking about but the point is. These women are extremely important to me and so connected to my first steps towards the Lord. I just wanted to show you guys some past pics. I was never thin enough in my head..

Here are some pictures of memory lane. ♥

this was my Senior prom. First off, yes I am an ex-hoochie mama. I still can't believe I got away with wearing that! This picture was one of my motivations in not eating. I vowed to put that dress on and be extremely small in it. I got my wish but at a severe price. Actually, I wasn't fat. This was my heaviest in high school. A guy called me big and I was called fat by another guy after graduation. I believed them then. But I seriously can't see it anymore. Curvy? Yeah. But fat??? Lies aren't just being believed by young women. Our men are seriously distorted in their image of beauty as well.

19 birthday with  the girls.

You can see my rib cage under my arm... :/

oh dear...a Halloween that ended with my then boyfriend arrested in jail, me being spit on by my ex, wondering how in the world I got where I was. And yes, I stayed with him after that for another year and a half. Girls can be quite dumb when they don't think they deserve better.

I loved those pants. The beginning of me fading...Right after High school graduation.

I remember feeling so happy that night about having a tummy that didn't stick out... I don't remember anything else. In the world of anorexia and bulimia most of your memories are focused around what you shouldn't have ate or about your body. Nothing is ever as satisfying as feeling hollow. SO, you constantly focus your attention on your body... You forget to enjoy the time your spending with people who love you.

Me at my lowest weight I believe. I never looked unhealthy in my face but my body was skin and bones.

I remember this Thanksgiving in Oakland. I hated all of the pictures. I thought I had gained so much weight. I don't even really remember anything else about the family trip except hating the pictures and hating that I had put on weight...

me at my lowest with my nephew whom I haven't seen in 3 years :(

me, rebecca my Irish friend, Festa, Ash on 4th of July... I worked with these girls. I was already deep in my eating disorder before meeting them. I had just met my ex the day after I met all of them. My life changed so quickly. Ashley was such a great support and one of my first intimate friendships. She was so encouraging as I sought the Lord and although we weren't always doing the best things when we got together I will always have a great love towards her. Rebecca is in Ireland now. Festa, beautiful Festa... I don't see her or speak to her often but I always felt so privileged to know her.

Ash, Me, Dion, and Karla. Karla is now MARRIED! I went to her wedding last Saturday. So beautiful. This was my 20th birthday at Native foods. 

Everytime I would throw up. Every time I would deprive. Every time I would cut my skin. Every time I would hate my self and hate my reflection. Christ felt all that and more as He carried His cross. He carried our guilt, our shame our hatred of ourselves. He carried us and through Him we are set free of that annoying and deadly bondage. He defeated it all and we now get to walk in victory. Not just because He died and it was finished. But because He rose! Christ rose. He rose and returned to Heaven and now God, God can hear you when you call. He can save your life. He can change your broken and bruised heart.

I am not perfect. I still really can't stand images of myself. Posting on here is such a battle. I have gained weight since quitting the unhealthy habits. I have struggled with not returning to the psychotic ways of maintaining an image of emptiness. Some days I lay in bed praying for God to give me the strength to put clothes on my body and face the world with confidence. It is a battle. But I get to fight in Victory. The outlook is not bleak. My soul can rejoice in the midst of these mental trials. I can have joy although I am unhappy. And I don't give up because it is Christ who strengthens me in my weakness. The beauty I almost died to have. The beauty that I thought would set me free, IS nothing in comparison to the beauty that GOD clothes us in.


I love you all. Thank you for reading if you made it all the way through.
I am so blessed to celebrate Easter in my heart and so blessed that I have this battle that continually brings me to my knees and brings me closer to Christ.

"Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed.

The Victory is His. He is risen from the dead.
And I will rise...

When He calls my name...

No more sorrows. No more pain...

I will rise.

On eagles wings.. 

Before my God..

Fall on my knees and rise."

Love You All ;)

♥ CheChe ♥

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♥ [Just a Thought of Love] ♥

the hope of HIM shines within me brighter than the Sun...

I didn't grow up appreciating my family. Well, perhaps at one time I was really happy to have a family. But for the most part my memories are scattered images of me wanting so desperately to be anywhere but with them. I think after the incident of sixth grade I really isolated myself from allowing any connection between my family and myself to be made. I would go into my room in 6th and 7th grade and eat something delicious (and often unhealthy...hehe) and watch the Food Network Channel desperately wanting to be a cook and have my own show.

I would go into my room and watch movies... [This is still something I truly love to do as an escape] Before senior year those movies were usually thrillers and horror flicks. Stuff that allowed me to see the darkness I was surrounded by manifested on screen. It felt safe to be in my room looking into a television and traveling from the walls that surrounded me. 

I would go into my room and read books that I liked. My junior year I met a girl with beautiful red hair. She was Christian. I let it all out on her one day on a drive from doing something together that I can't remember exactly. I told her something deep and personal and to this day I really don't remember the words or topics but I was vulnerable for about 5 whole minutes. She told me about Nicholas Sparks and gave me a few books. I read them all. I cried for the first time out of hope, love and beautiful fantasies that I knew would never come true for me.

I would go into my room and do these things HIGH. By senior year I was smoking weed about 2x a day at least. It didn't seem like a lot then compared to my other pothead friends but I was pretty much HIGH until I went to bed. I would watch movies high and lonely. I would do my homework on my bed stoned. I would read Nicholas Sparks books inebriated and emotional... I would cry. I would mourn the life I had but couldn't seem to fully experience. And the whole time I never once thought to reach out to my mother, my brothers or my sister.

I was alone with a family of four other people surrounding me. 

I got caught smoking once and only. My mom asked me after she told me to pack my bags and get out "WHY?? Why would you do this??? In the house??? Why??" 

Through tears I yelled at her "BECAUSE I'M DEPRESSED! I'm DEPRESSED MOM!!! I hate my life...!!"

That was the most honest conversation I had ever experienced with my mom. I was reaching out for that one moment. And she didn't understand it. She looked confused.

A week later she let me back in the house, of course, under the grounds I not smoke in the house.

My main point in writing all of this stream of thought to you strangers that I have grown to LOVE, ADORE, APPRECIATE, ADMIRE and TRUST is that I know it wasn't my FAMILY that was to blame. I know that my mom due to whatever life she lived before us and with my Father have greatly affected her. She loves me the best way she can. She loves me despite how many "deep" conversations I've always felt we could never have. She loves me even though I rebelled and resisted doing anything good as a youth. She loves me despite... Despite it all...

Sin has been passed on throughout the ages. It entered the world in the first betrayal of God and has only grown and multiplied over the 21 centuries. It has spread throughout families been passed on through lineages.

This is truly the culprit. It isn't my mother, it isn't the person that took away my innocence before I could ever truly experience it. It isn't the weed in and of itself. IT isn't because we were dealt a bad hand in life. It isn't because I'm black. I'm a woman. I'm young. I'm old. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm clumsy :).


Everything I ever dreamed is coming true in my life. I have more hope than I have in the last 15 years of my life. I have true joy in my life. I get the best SPIRITUAL HIGH of being in God's presence, reading His word, Hearing His voice and receiving His blessings. I am in LOVE with the life He has given me in loving Him. I have been set free!

The darkness we live in as His creation is something that can and will be overcome when we allow His blood to wash us clean. When we open our calloused hearts to His supreme and reigning Love.

Sin may be reigning in your life but my GOD, my Savior Jesus has overcome it all and today I get to live in that victory!!

Thank you for reading. I just had this thought on my way home and thought would share.

♥ CheTreAnna ♥

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Find this on FACEBOOK PLEASE! ♥

I am extremely exhausted.
Took Spin Class today and Tuesday and boy do I feel the consequences, much needed but consequences nonetheless, of those two decisions. 

I am very thankful to propose the question of you taking the time to like the I AM FREE page on facebook. It is a page that a dear sister of mine started running and promotes the freedom from the bondage of sin, mainly EATING DISORDERS, through Christs ultimate peace and comfort. 

This is the first public display of my testimony and although it may be small to some I am so blessed to know that GOD is using my life to bring glory to Him. If you click "LIKE" on the page and then scroll down you will hit the link to my testimony posted on the SILENT NO MORE website I believe. 

God is really pouring out His spirit in great and unfathomable ways to reach the hurting and lost. I know we all want to be used so continue to encourage, exhort and correct each other in the loving way Jesus Christ would have you amongst your family, church family, friends, co-workers and neighbors. He is begging to use us but we must FIRST be willing right?

Probably taking a bit of a break until Saturday or Sunday. I'm on PAID TIME OFF until Tuesday at work so I am going to do my best to rest and relax :). 

PRAYER REQUEST:

1) time God wants me to leave work for Africa which has a possible 6week-2month window.

2) peace over financial situation and just overall surrender of finances to him "render to Caesar what is Caesars right?

3) a genuine love for the lost and burden to pray for the unsaved and saved

4) TO BE SET FREE MORE EACH DAY IN HIM!

love you ladies 

♥Chetreanna/CHECHE/Che♥ so many names for a crazy lady. hahaha

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