Rant of Love ♥

The children, I'm sorry. Students! :) The students in my English class are pushing my unholy buttons :(. I haven't had any trials thus far in my walk with Jesus towards the students in my classes. Maybe with the curriculum and the teachers beliefs but never felt such hostility from my peers. Long story short my group was disregarded and the rest of the class teamed up to share answers for the quiz (each group made the quiz so everyone combined had the answers). I think I was extremely hurt and regressed back into the WHEN CHE IS HURT CHE SHOWS ANGER AND STRENGTH. Rather than praying about it I gave in. I even said some smart remarks about conspirators. The funny and ironic thing was before the quiz everyone wanted OUR groups answers. As if our groups answers were the only ones they DID NOT KNOW? So obvious right?

Anyways My point for even addressing this in my blog is I am faulty. I am imperfect. I am sadly easily angered in MANY areas of my life still. And God has a reason for revealing this to me. A part of me feels I should go in with a clean slate mentally and be friendly to my peers but another part would rather live the rest of the semester staying away from all of them and focusing on my studies. I think this goes back to the NAZI childhood of being ACCEPTED or NOT ACCEPTED amongst peers. Being the only black girl (well, there were 3 of us at one point) in a all Mexican elementary school and neighborhood I had MANY lessons on how different I was. I learned at an early age that others can choose not to like you, and even make fun of you and showing weakness only fuels them. So I put on my tough mask and chose to beat others to making fun of myself as well as Being AGGRESSIVE so that others could not have a chance to intimidate me in any form.

That little Che must really be angry still because I can feel those same emotions coming up and it hurts and sucks. I just want to be able to love ALL of them like Jesus but instead I'm praying not to tell them all off and use big words and make them feel dumber than me. Yeah, this is the mind of your Christian friend Che. She isn't that cute sometimes is she? She also weirdly talks in third person and types it as well :). FUN FACT FOR YOU!

I really could use prayer over this. It seems small but it is eating me up and causing me to really feel horrible. I know I am not condemned but these thoughts and plots eat away at a persons spirit. I need the strength of Christ for this remaining semester and I really just want to love these little children.

"FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO". -Jesus on the cross after being tortured, beaten and given the death of a sinner which he was the exact opposite of.

Jesus said those words about me and you. He said those words with pure love and compassion for his murderers and all of mankind! Yet I hold a grudge against my neighbor for not liking me and being a little childishly mean??  Ughh.. I want to be like Jesus. And everyday I seem to realize just how much I need him in order to even resemble a fraction of who he was and is and is to come.

God help me please. I want to love as you do. Take this burden from me! I love you and I ask for your forgiveness once again.. Amen

Thanks for listening! anyone else gone through something similiar??

♥