[♥] The Ramblings

my precious dog Jude sleeping. My man.

I've finally found a new muse in literature. If one can call fiction such. I feel comfortable doing so, so please do not be offended. This week I began SENSE AND SENSIBILITY. When I was younger I didn't appreciate the witty and thought provoking styles of early british literature. In fact, I had developed such disdain for the names Austen and Bronte and Dickens that I really just thought anyone who spoke of them was being pompous and boastful. I figured the only people who could stomach something so dull and unnecessarily complex were disturbed in some invisible way and only forced themselves to swallow the readings knowing that it would give them lovely conversation in the familiar social settings.

me and the girls at ALTA. Impromptu study sesh turned artsy picture...

However, I have either admitted that I am invisibly disturbed or changed my opinion of such connoisseurs. I pray it is the latter ;). I watched Jane Eyre recently with a dearly beloved and close sister of mine and it sparked a real hunger for depth. Atonement was the first movie to ever develop a thirst for something different. I was used to the American feedings of Nicolas Sparks and Francine Rivers was later discovered after that. But, not to discredit either for they are great writers, my taste had began to desire something new and different. So in the last few months I had began scouring the aisles of Barnes and Noble and borders looking for what my heart was coveting. But I couldn't find anything that really hit the spot.  Does anyone understand what I mean by that? Or am I the only woman in the world who stalks the aisles of bookstores reading covers and first chapters praying to strike GOLD??

Well, I digress.


I had picked up C.S Lewis and although he was interesting and I found a spark of enthusiasm developing he just wasn't it. I went back to Rivers but it was the same. So I waited and avoided the bookstore aisles for a while only going with friends and diverting my attention to the magazine racks knowing they could provide temporary relief. Then Jane Eyre was introduced to me. And I became a bit obsessed with the movie. It wasn't enough that the love was so raw yet pure. It wasn't enough that the dialogue was fascinating, brilliant yet comprehensible. No. It was definitely a combination of that distant yet tangible ERA of time that captivated me.


So, in order to not bore you any longer with my would be british style of a post... Yes. I tried. Please forgive me if you made it this far. I would like to let you all know that I am currently in love with Sense and Sensibility by the late Jane Austen and am loving everything that I once despised. Isn't it crazy how our taste changes so drastically as life goes on? I am actually shocked that the Gossip Girl series once had my full attention in middle school... I couldn't ever go back to that type of reading and feel satisfaction, yet that was exactly what those books delivered when I was younger.


Okay. This was not a juicy post. I know. But it was definitely from the heart ,as well as a sleep deprived mindset. Therefore, I am content and satisfied in posting this for all to view and be bored with. Why, I don't even care if I lose a reader or two. lol. I'm seriously in need of sleep..

taking pictures while driving. Such a great role model.

I leave you with this picture. Be blessed today. Wednesday is always nice. Mid-week. Hope and light at the end of that work week tunnel.

Okay. So I don't remember if I told you guys about the Dermatitis I developed *allergic reaction* on my upper lip that left a scar... BUT... If I didn't I thought I'd show you guys a picture in which the scar is visible so you can see what I have to live with. I kind got shy and did some effects to the picture to lighten the scar but it is still pretty prominent. It looks like I have dirt on my lip :(. Well, the good thing is now I know that my husband will be legit. Not just a godly man but one not into the perfect look or flawless face. lol A humble man indeed. Oh, and I apologize for speaking so much of this imaginary, future husband. These weddings have really sparked more talk of Him recently and it is a bit annoying repeating "future husband" over and over and not knowing how to stop. My poor friends. And you guys.. So sorry. 

Thanks for tolerating me these last couple of days. I haven't really been doing any posts with a clear theme. I think my blog has reflected where I am spiritually right now. With Africa all of a sudden being not something that the Lord has me doing I've been left with this wonder. Wondering what exactly it all means and that although I trust God and believe His ways are always better, I'm a bit hurt that in this situation His ways are not in alignment with my wants. I want to go to Africa but His ways are steering me opposite. I trust you God... it just hurts. I mourned today like a sad, sad little girl. Pray for my silly temperament if the spirit strikes. I know it will all work out to His good purpose.

Okay, I'm really done writing now. Night and Goodmorning...

♥CheChe♥

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What a DAY!

Sadly I did not have the time to participate in MEGS MINGLE MONDAY YET! I still have until MIDNIGHT but I feel with work and school work that may not be accomplished.. Nonetheless I took a peek and let me just tell y'all that there is a large group of women over there who are ready to mingle and see your blog and maybe you will even gain some new willing and joyful followers as well. After all, we are here to write and share ourselves with the world through our blogs not to write and get the most followers or anything right?? ;). lol The Lord know I have pouted many a time at my lack thereof in all areas of my life so trust me, the blog has undergone unnecessary scrutiny from myself in that area. In the end God showed me that I am doing something that really brings me comfort and peace and most importantly it gives HIM all the glory and to that I can not allow my own pride and greed to get in the way. 

Today was amazing everyone. I know I have been quite the complainer or at least I have felt that way but God has his hand so deeply in our lives that I think sometimes we forget until we are literally watching him carry out his own will above ours. 

My English class was canceled today as a start. Yes, that was just a shock all in its own because English teachers do not play games and they are there every class on time ready to get your essays and look at your crookedly if you have no work to turn in. This was a BLESSING because I was able to see a girlfriend of mine whom I have recently began to see less of. Our hangout was definitely a divine appointment and no coincidence because from that I was really able to see just how weak I am in sharing my faith and telling other people what I am and am not comfortable with and WHY. The why being my Lord and Savior who has made me a new creation and that I literally can not stomach certain types of language or conversations anymore. Yet, I found myself unable to express this with a close friend and a young girl we had met. Instead I laughed uncomfortably not wanting to make them uncomfortable and did my "best" to not add anything that would leave me convicted or feeling apart of it.

Mission failed. Although I didn't necessarily sin I definitely was being taught a completely different lesson in obedience and speaking up in my FAITH. I know there is no condemnation but I was very disturbed by this revelation of self. Next month will be a year of me walking with Christ and I feel that I should be growing in my faith publicly and speaking out against things when called to, in the name of Jesus. I was definitely a weak type of Peter today denying my Lord for my own safety and comfort. Oh Lord, forgive me. I need the strength to speak out and up for your namesakes. 

The BLESSING that really came from this was my irrational decision to call up a sister who is becoming quite the little prayer warrior ;). I let her know I wanted to hang out and pray and we ended up talking and deciding to go get food after and pray before dinner instead of in my car on an empty tummy. Somehow within 5 minutes we decided to drive to our sisters house around the corner to pick her up (not having asked her yet) and get food and pray together. She claimed she looked a mess and had already eaten as well so we ended up in her house discussing various struggles in our walks and just opening up about love, life and what Christ is doing in our lives.

This was not on my menu for the evening but then this sister (and myself prior) actually felt lead to open up and for us to pray over anything we were allowing ourselves to hold on to because forgetting that it is all in our Lords hands to begin with tends to be something we all struggle with in different areas. The fact that we think we are holding on  to these hindrances as if any of them belong to us is the problem because we don't have the faith to willingly allow Christ to take it. We are not in control at all and God continually is reminding us through the sin or things we hold on to. Slowly he asks us to surrender and we are either caught off guard or our whole worlds are shaken because we can not imagine a life without our hands gripping this thing in our lives we are desperately trying to keep.

Something I particularly felt lead to share that I don't really surrender to God is my sexual abuse/molestation/attempted rape/rape? from my childhood. I always have felt alone about this because the one time I opened up to my ______ I was told I was a liar. It was the hardest thing I have ever swallowed. I was in 5th grade and I learned a false truth that night. That nobody could be trusted in this world. So much has came from that one night and the sexual issue alone that a lot of my testimony ultimately is linked back to that night. Those years of feeling so disgusting for no reason at all. False guilt and shame were my truths and boy does Satan love using these in the lives of women! We throw away our worth and accept these instead and the affect they can have are ones that usually lead to death, whether spiritually or physically. I was dead you guys for so long and the love of Christ woke me up. Just like the girl in Mark? When Jesus says she is only sleeping and then tells her "talitha* (young girl) awake!". And she awakes from what was surely her death bed. Oh I get chills just typing it. (to sleepy to look it up sorry!! it is either mark or luke??)

Tonight I learned that I have amazing sisters in my life who truly love our God. They are young women like me but when I sat in that living room the wisdom and love was nothing less than that of true disciples with the desire of God in their hearts. 

• I learned that I need to make an effort to pray for the sin that God has forgiven me of because I really have not forgiven myself completely. I need to pray for my families salvation with more urgency. 
• I need to pray for the love of Christ to overflow from me so that I may truly carry out his will according to his plan.
• I need to take myself out of my life and ask WHAT DOES GOD WANT? more/always. 
• I need JESUS so much it would be sick of me to think any area of mylife is fine if it has not been surrendered completely to him.
• I am really ready for the Love God wants me to have with him and for the man he has pcreated with me in mind :). 
• That I am being healed day by day and he will finish this work he has began in my life as well as yours.

Do not lose hope because you are loved by HIM, God would not have brought you to his feet without a plan and a purpose. He will relieve you of these things but he desires to hear us ask and rely on him for everything first! So be still and seek his face above all and he will heal you, guide you and love you the way only he knows how. God bless the Word of God and the faithful children whom have heard his call and obeyed. I am so blessed to be alive and able to appreciate all that he is tonight.. May God continue to reveal himself in our lives and to guide us! More of him and less of me is my overall prayer and lesson tonight ladies and gents. God bless you and keep you and be mindful you never know when God will have you be a blessing in the lives of others!!

♥cheche

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thank you, I love you, Good-bye

I haven't taken new pictures in a while :(.
I haven't felt that comfort that comes from being held in a while.
I haven't felt hopeless, like my heart will never heal :).
I haven't felt like the prettiest woman in the room/restaurant.
I haven't cried myself to sleepiness in over 3 weeks? :)
I haven't not wanted to know what he was doing and if he misses me...
I haven't worn heels just because in a couple of months.
I haven't wanted to live in my sweats in about a month :).

Slowly but surely I'm beginning to remember how to live without having a boyfriend. The ex was my first boyfriend.
My first "I LOVE YOU" face to face.
My first to hold my hand in PUBLIC.
MY first conversation about MY PAST.
My first person to tell secrets.
My first person to trust.
My first...
My only...
 all of these things I am able to miss less and less each day.. 

Maybe if I had been like other girls and pursued relationships in high school--
It would still hurt as bad, huh?
Well, truthfully, I don't feel so much pain these days as I do feel lonely and some
times afraid. Lonely because I'm still talking myself out of calling him just to say "HI".
Afraid because I don't know when I will not think about him. When the thought
of his face or name won't bring me to this fantasy world where we are made for
each other and life is "perfect".

Reality is, we are not together.
We have not been together since November when I should have been faithful to my decision and allowed us to "BREAK UP".
The way every other couple does and has to.
But then you told me you had gone on a date and were already talking to a couple of other women and I had to let you back in and know that you were MINE and I was YOURS. That was the beginning of our end that I refused to accept. Instead of recognizing that any guy who is already talking to other women so quickly is probably not the guy your going to somehow end up marrying. lol. ahhh I guess my age really shows
when I look back. I wanted the idea of what we were more than I wanted to accept the reality of what we were.
Two people on very different paths wanting very different things. I was on fire for CHRIST burning to be with a man JUST as crazy about JESUS as I was but you had your own path with God to walk. It wasn't for me to help you with or teach you about. God was going to show you on his own.

I'm sorry I couldn't be strong and let go of you. I'm sorry I wasted so much timebreaking up with you then wanting/taking/allowing you back. I'm sorry I slept with you and gave a piece away without thinking (thank you lord for allowing me to be forgiven). I'm sorry I hurt you with my crazy emotions and defenses. I'm sorry I couldn't trustyou the way you wanted to be trusted. I'm sorry I'm still in LOVE with you or whatever this is. I'm sorry I didn't pick up your call, but the sound of your voicetakes me to a place that is NOT REAL. You were my best friend. Which makes it so much harder to accept. We don't belong to each other and we never did. WE belong to GOD. And only through him and allowing HIM to be my number one can You or I ever have the relationships we deserve in this lifetime.

I love you. I don't know if I'll ever NOT love you. But I can let you go :). You were an amazing part of my life. You loved me at my lowest point in life. You helped me through some dark issues. And now, our season has passed. I hope she treats you like a king. I hope she's beautiful and has a heart for GOD that allows her to give you all she has. I hope we can be friends one day. Real friends. Your amazing and I pray nothing but blessings your way. I wouldcall you and tell you this..But my heart can barely stand it when we do "TALK".

Please understand. I'm not going to be selfish anymore and use you to FEEL loved or to FEEL anything. GOD will FULFILL ALL OF THAT AND MORE. I HAVE FAITH IN HIM. Your free. THank you for being there for me. 

 LOOK TO CHRIST AND NOTHING BUT GOOD WILL COME YOUR WAY :). 

adios senor..hehe

♥

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