I haven't felt that comfort that comes from being held in a while.
I haven't felt hopeless, like my heart will never heal :).
I haven't felt like the prettiest woman in the room/restaurant.
I haven't cried myself to sleepiness in over 3 weeks? :)
I haven't not wanted to know what he was doing and if he misses me...
I haven't worn heels just because in a couple of months.
I haven't wanted to live in my sweats in about a month :).
Slowly but surely I'm beginning to remember how to live without having a boyfriend. The ex was my first boyfriend.
My first "I LOVE YOU" face to face.
My first to hold my hand in PUBLIC.
MY first conversation about MY PAST.
My first person to tell secrets.
My first person to trust.
My first...
My only...
all of these things I am able to miss less and less each day..
Maybe if I had been like other girls and pursued relationships in high school--
It would still hurt as bad, huh?
Well, truthfully, I don't feel so much pain these days as I do feel lonely and some
times afraid. Lonely because I'm still talking myself out of calling him just to say "HI".
Afraid because I don't know when I will not think about him. When the thought
of his face or name won't bring me to this fantasy world where we are made for
each other and life is "perfect".
Reality is, we are not together.
We have not been together since November when I should have been faithful to my decision and allowed us to "BREAK UP".
The way every other couple does and has to.
But then you told me you had gone on a date and were already talking to a couple of other women and I had to let you back in and know that you were MINE and I was YOURS. That was the beginning of our end that I refused to accept. Instead of recognizing that any guy who is already talking to other women so quickly is probably not the guy your going to somehow end up marrying. lol. ahhh I guess my age really shows
when I look back. I wanted the idea of what we were more than I wanted to accept the reality of what we were.
Two people on very different paths wanting very different things. I was on fire for CHRIST burning to be with a man JUST as crazy about JESUS as I was but you had your own path with God to walk. It wasn't for me to help you with or teach you about. God was going to show you on his own.
I'm sorry I couldn't be strong and let go of you. I'm sorry I wasted so much timebreaking up with you then wanting/taking/allowing you back. I'm sorry I slept with you and gave a piece away without thinking (thank you lord for allowing me to be forgiven). I'm sorry I hurt you with my crazy emotions and defenses. I'm sorry I couldn't trustyou the way you wanted to be trusted. I'm sorry I'm still in LOVE with you or whatever this is. I'm sorry I didn't pick up your call, but the sound of your voicetakes me to a place that is NOT REAL. You were my best friend. Which makes it so much harder to accept. We don't belong to each other and we never did. WE belong to GOD. And only through him and allowing HIM to be my number one can You or I ever have the relationships we deserve in this lifetime.
I love you. I don't know if I'll ever NOT love you. But I can let you go :). You were an amazing part of my life. You loved me at my lowest point in life. You helped me through some dark issues. And now, our season has passed. I hope she treats you like a king. I hope she's beautiful and has a heart for GOD that allows her to give you all she has. I hope we can be friends one day. Real friends. Your amazing and I pray nothing but blessings your way. I wouldcall you and tell you this..But my heart can barely stand it when we do "TALK".
Please understand. I'm not going to be selfish anymore and use you to FEEL loved or to FEEL anything. GOD will FULFILL ALL OF THAT AND MORE. I HAVE FAITH IN HIM. Your free. THank you for being there for me.
LOOK TO CHRIST AND NOTHING BUT GOOD WILL COME YOUR WAY :).
adios senor..hehe
♥
1 HugsandBlessings:
you should!!! you will love the way she teaches and writes! you still need to get the so long insecurity one though. but as for the bible study...she is very slow and particular. like day 1 was a few verses but mainly back story on John and we just read the first few verses of where he is being introduced. beth makes you picture him and makes you curious, makes you STUDY his character like if we were back in acting class: thinking about how they grew up, what their home life is like, their culture...etc.
i love studies from her because it is at a different depth that you don't just get everyday!
love you so much girl and hope we can hang out again this week. i probably won't be able to hang out saturday though. :/ I have to take steve to th mechanics again and I have a little photo shoot with my mom for a surprise for stephen and I's 5 month anniversary. :)
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