Sadly I did not have the time to participate in MEGS MINGLE MONDAY YET! I still have until MIDNIGHT but I feel with work and school work that may not be accomplished.. Nonetheless I took a peek and let me just tell y'all that there is a large group of women over there who are ready to mingle and see your blog and maybe you will even gain some new willing and joyful followers as well. After all, we are here to write and share ourselves with the world through our blogs not to write and get the most followers or anything right?? ;). lol The Lord know I have pouted many a time at my lack thereof in all areas of my life so trust me, the blog has undergone unnecessary scrutiny from myself in that area. In the end God showed me that I am doing something that really brings me comfort and peace and most importantly it gives HIM all the glory and to that I can not allow my own pride and greed to get in the way.
Today was amazing everyone. I know I have been quite the complainer or at least I have felt that way but God has his hand so deeply in our lives that I think sometimes we forget until we are literally watching him carry out his own will above ours.
My English class was canceled today as a start. Yes, that was just a shock all in its own because English teachers do not play games and they are there every class on time ready to get your essays and look at your crookedly if you have no work to turn in. This was a BLESSING because I was able to see a girlfriend of mine whom I have recently began to see less of. Our hangout was definitely a divine appointment and no coincidence because from that I was really able to see just how weak I am in sharing my faith and telling other people what I am and am not comfortable with and WHY. The why being my Lord and Savior who has made me a new creation and that I literally can not stomach certain types of language or conversations anymore. Yet, I found myself unable to express this with a close friend and a young girl we had met. Instead I laughed uncomfortably not wanting to make them uncomfortable and did my "best" to not add anything that would leave me convicted or feeling apart of it.
Mission failed. Although I didn't necessarily sin I definitely was being taught a completely different lesson in obedience and speaking up in my FAITH. I know there is no condemnation but I was very disturbed by this revelation of self. Next month will be a year of me walking with Christ and I feel that I should be growing in my faith publicly and speaking out against things when called to, in the name of Jesus. I was definitely a weak type of Peter today denying my Lord for my own safety and comfort. Oh Lord, forgive me. I need the strength to speak out and up for your namesakes.
The BLESSING that really came from this was my irrational decision to call up a sister who is becoming quite the little prayer warrior ;). I let her know I wanted to hang out and pray and we ended up talking and deciding to go get food after and pray before dinner instead of in my car on an empty tummy. Somehow within 5 minutes we decided to drive to our sisters house around the corner to pick her up (not having asked her yet) and get food and pray together. She claimed she looked a mess and had already eaten as well so we ended up in her house discussing various struggles in our walks and just opening up about love, life and what Christ is doing in our lives.
This was not on my menu for the evening but then this sister (and myself prior) actually felt lead to open up and for us to pray over anything we were allowing ourselves to hold on to because forgetting that it is all in our Lords hands to begin with tends to be something we all struggle with in different areas. The fact that we think we are holding on to these hindrances as if any of them belong to us is the problem because we don't have the faith to willingly allow Christ to take it. We are not in control at all and God continually is reminding us through the sin or things we hold on to. Slowly he asks us to surrender and we are either caught off guard or our whole worlds are shaken because we can not imagine a life without our hands gripping this thing in our lives we are desperately trying to keep.
Something I particularly felt lead to share that I don't really surrender to God is my sexual abuse/molestation/attempted rape/rape? from my childhood. I always have felt alone about this because the one time I opened up to my ______ I was told I was a liar. It was the hardest thing I have ever swallowed. I was in 5th grade and I learned a false truth that night. That nobody could be trusted in this world. So much has came from that one night and the sexual issue alone that a lot of my testimony ultimately is linked back to that night. Those years of feeling so disgusting for no reason at all. False guilt and shame were my truths and boy does Satan love using these in the lives of women! We throw away our worth and accept these instead and the affect they can have are ones that usually lead to death, whether spiritually or physically. I was dead you guys for so long and the love of Christ woke me up. Just like the girl in Mark? When Jesus says she is only sleeping and then tells her "talitha* (young girl) awake!". And she awakes from what was surely her death bed. Oh I get chills just typing it. (to sleepy to look it up sorry!! it is either mark or luke??)
Tonight I learned that I have amazing sisters in my life who truly love our God. They are young women like me but when I sat in that living room the wisdom and love was nothing less than that of true disciples with the desire of God in their hearts.
- I learned that I need to make an effort to pray for the sin that God has forgiven me of because I really have not forgiven myself completely. I need to pray for my families salvation with more urgency.
- I need to pray for the love of Christ to overflow from me so that I may truly carry out his will according to his plan.
- I need to take myself out of my life and ask WHAT DOES GOD WANT? more/always.
- I need JESUS so much it would be sick of me to think any area of mylife is fine if it has not been surrendered completely to him.
- I am really ready for the Love God wants me to have with him and for the man he has pcreated with me in mind :).
- That I am being healed day by day and he will finish this work he has began in my life as well as yours.
