early morning (TEHEEHEE)

My current conundrum is LOVE LOST.

My heart is actually aching and the funny thing is, I broke up with him?

Well, let me

   clear things UP...

I broke up with him to focus purely on god SINCE i am a new believer and our relationship 9ish months ago was not that of a god pleasing and fearful couple.  I didn't realize that having an unevenly yolked relationship while trying to have a strong walk with the LORD will only be a burden when you are actually focused on GOD. I learned my first lesson which is you cannot have a relationship where one is running towards God while the other is doing , well something else.  I guess stagnant would be the appropriate word to use. I was a new believer and on fire and my partner was a believer who had strayed.

Anyways that was NOVEMBERish.  I am only now beginning to really FEEL the loss.

AND IT HURTS YOU GUYS.  We are both still friends and I love him more than any man next to the LORD and he is growing so tremendously. And it hurts because THAT is what I so desperately wanted when we were together. and i guess i have also learned that being faithful to god is not always easy nor does it make sense from our small human point of view.  But i can see that god is at a large work in my life today and NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT PAINS ME i must stay true to him and faithful because I know, he has a better plan for me than I do for myself.

                      Yet, this truth doesn't make it easier.

This all could be handled a lot differently, of course if I had a life without GOD.  I made a life altering choice the day I accepted him into my HEART and gave my life to CHRIST and the situations that used to BAFFLE me with abounding hopeless thoughts are now situations of purpose. EVENTS all leading to the next stage of life that god has predestined before me.

I cried my eyes out today and yesterday. And i even talked to my ex about what I was feeling and that helped because for me it got everything out in the open so that he could understand the way I was aCting and treating him. I feel like I should definitely be OVER HIM.  People have always said when you break up that person is meant to be in your past for a reason. But I guess for now he isn't? I don't have any answers and whenever I try to carry out MY WILL FOR MYSELF I wind up hurt, confused and in a worst place than I was to begin with. LOL

i also know that IF god has that in store for me than he will deliver me to that place and for now I just need to surrender the situation entirely to his haNds and pray to be in his will.

I am learning and growing so much but i NEED PRAYER and I am far from perfect and FAR from alright with everything that is going on in my life right now.  I just know that I am comforted when I am reminded of who MY GOD is. and just how powerful he is and what a great and faithful deliverer he is. this is my hope and my rock. This is my comfort in CHRIST<3