dear john

Dear ____,

Did you honestly have to call me and LEAVE a voice mail? Did you honestly have to ask me to call you back or what I was doing tonight?

I know your intentions were good and realistically you did nothing wrong. But if you knew just how many different thoughts popped into my creative head you would probably not have made that call.

I want to be able to pick up my phone and call you back like a good godly friend and ask you how your doing and maybe even hang out. I want so desperately to say that I don't struggle with wanting to be your friend and wanting to just completely forget you. I want to say with TRUTH and an honest heart that when I hear your voice a part of me doesn't jump with excitement that your showing me attention. 

But I don't want to lie to you or especially to GOD. He knows how I've cried thinking about you moving on, in my selfish pain. He knows that I've stared at the phone wanting to hear your voice, eventually passing out rather than commencing to feel the void that your voice brings.

He knows that I doubt you and all that we shared and had. He knows that I feel you were often not real with me and wanted to  desperately what YOU THOUGHT I wanted. HE knows me and you better than we know ourselves. He knows I am still mad that you were hanging out with other women and in the past had gone on dates claiming " That's what people do when people break up with them, they move on and go on dates." 

Oh, lord forgive me. 

I still feel the pain I felt on that day to LA fighting back tears and attacking you from your character down to your faith! I still feel the pain I felt after saying I wanted to try again and kissing you while you said you weren't ready. I still feel the pain I felt as I felt myself walking away from what GOD intended me to be. A woman who puts him first in reverence. A pious woman! The woman he created me to be.

It wasn't YOU. I can admit that.

It was me thinking I could serve two masters. Believing I had even an ounce of the power to control my future and MAKE our dead relationship work. It was me chasing something of this world and confused as to why I was being convicted. 

Thanks for calling! Maybe if you call back I can respectfully pick up. Or maybe I'll stare at the phone as it rings with your number blazing across the screen.

Please know I do love you and I do care about you. And that is why it is so hard to  hear your voice and not want to fall back into those feelings that are capable of blinding me.

I have so much more to say but for now this is enough to keep me from calling you back and regretting it the moment I do, like always. 

sincerely,

cheche