Dear God... * ♥ *

DEAR GOD,

I don't know how to really say what I want to say without sounding judgmental. Which is a huge pet peeve about MYSELF because I can't stand judgmental people but at the same time I catch myself doing this all the time and I have come to realize I really just don't like something that is in ME.

That aside I am in a struggle. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that the person I'm wishing to write about will read this. Or may be reading this. That upsets me, although it shouldn't because we are SO EXTREMELY close. We are family yet I don't feel comfortable right now speaking my truth for the very first time.

My family is amazing. I love my brother, my sister, my mom. My heart goes out to my Dad and my elder brother as well (that is a whole other story). But I can't help but feel like the battle within the walls of my home are just so strong. I find myself at a loss of words and it is really a blessing because it forces me to seek GOD even more and develop a stratagem to have his word seeping from every area of my life.

Satan has blinded mine as well as my family's eyes for so long. But now that my veil has been torn by the blood of Christ I am seeing the dynamics I live in with budding astonishment. I am so overwhelmed by these revelations that I don't know exactly what God wants or desires for me to do. 

I grew up basically an atheist. I had the mock mentality. "WHAT HAS GONE DONE FOR ME?" type of mindset. I'll share my testimony fully on here one day I just feel like it still isn't complete in some way. My mother and I once had a conversation in which she told me "SHE BELIEVED IN GOD" and I told her in short, good for you but he is not REAL. I didn't know what following GOD was or what knowing CHRIST resembled but I considered my mom Christian because she believed in GOd.

So why do I find myself defending my faith? God what has happened. How can we know you yet DENY all of your precepts and all of your teachings? Yet claim you.  Is it the taste of heaven that causes us to keep your name on our tongues yet deny you before the world? I am so confused GOD. I need you in my home so desperately. Lord, I don't know how to type what I truly feel but you KNOW exactly what I am speaking of. 

Lord can you restore her heart please? I pray this knowing you will deliver and I will receive. Lord I pray in faith that you rock this household and reveal yourself. Lord I pray that you make yourself so real to my family that they/we fall to our knees in awe of your brilliance.  

I don't know how to defend your name in the way you deserve Lord. When I am being lectured on how it is wrong to judge the MORMON religion or that every religion is right? LORD HOW DO I SPEAK IN A WAY THAT GLORIFIES YOU AND DISPLAYS LOVE? all i feel is anger and sadness when these things come from someone who knows you? Your ways are far too high for me to know God and I believe this is something you are using to refine and strengthen me :). I thank you for that. Lord I know you hear my prayer and you hear my hearts plea. Thank you for being "the friend who ALWAYS answers my call". 

Judgment is near Lord. I can feel you in the air and the earth! Your beauty is displayed for all who can see and you shout in the breeze for all who can hear. I pledge to remain faithful to OUR covenant lord. pure until my MARRIAGE (lord willing) And following you every day. no man, no being, no false IDOL will take your place!

love,

your daughter and hopeful servant