Honest perspectives

There is nothing worse than coming this blank space and being emotionally overwhelmed.

The very act itself is a nuisance to my life because of how often I want to irrationally rant and spew.

Although, I do desire to not have that struggle, it seems counterproductive to despise the desire, to emotionally blog, completely.

I mean, half of my entries on here are ones that were, in reality, typed with tears either dripping before, after or during the writing process. 

Most of the time it was all of the above those first two years of writing.

Then came peace and settling from anoverwhelming breakup and I began to enjoy the pleasure of writing apart from being motivated by grief.

'Twas this season of writing that I fell in love with this world, my alternate reality,which I could argue is at times more real than physical and literal reality.

That, however, is a post for another lifetime.

Today I came here, as you can probably gather from my previous ramblings listed above, with a heavy heart and welling up with tears. 

The matter that brought me here at the moment is dimly lit mentally. 

But the root of the issue was the pain I always feel when my perception is being filtered through self-focus rather than Him focus. ( Yes, I am using Him. the alpha pronoun. I assume by now there is no need to elaborate further on whom I speak of since this blog is ridden with my love for Jesus)

You see, dear friend ( Can I call you friend?), I am an ex-victim.

For close to 15 maybe 16 years I held the strong conviction and belief that not only was everyone out to get me but that I was worthless in the sight of humanity. 

I had nothing to fight this lie with growing up in a Godless home where I went through things that fueled the fire to this demonic thought.

So I succumbed and bowed to the idea of always needing to be on guard and protect myself because no one was to be trusted.

After all, it is the weak who get taken advantage of and preyed upon and I was most certainly not going to be a walking "target" to the predators of this world.

With that said I lived most of those years before the Lord on edge, depressed, lonely and angry.

I was on edge because I never knew who was plotting to hurt me.

I was depressed because I hated that I had to live that way and it was hard being so strong and guarded.

I was lonely because despite all the people around me in my life (I was always  the social butterfly and never without "friends") nobody knew me and I couldn't trust them to know me.

I was angry because year after year all of this was going on mentally and I was bitter at the world, my family, men, women...Everyone had ruined my life.

Flash Forward to me sitting here typing this and it is no wonder that I was triggered to feel upset and sad when a situation occurred today.

The hard wiring upstairs is still faulty until I am there with Him or technically/literally down here with Him. (see Revelation)

When I allow my settings to default to this mode of thinking and believing I make bad choices.

People get hurt because of how I am responding to the emotions I feel. 

I hurt myself by stewing in it.

To be honest, the biggest issue with this mindset is the lack of fellowship I get to have with my King.

 Yes, I understand that to a certain extent some of this has to do with the emotional issues that come with being a woman.

However, I am arguing that as humans we have the choice to believe anything we are believing.

No matter what truth we are justifying our thoughts with we have a choice to accept that truth, in light of scripture, and walk in that truth with our thoughts.

My past presents a great argument each time I am provoked in this area.

Sometimes, I accept that argument and ruin fellowship with Jesus and with His creation.

Then there are times when I sit back and I look completely at the facts because it is there that I find the flaw in my system of current beliefs.

Do I still feel a sting of pain from the situation?

Yes.

Do I know now that the pain isn't ONLY the result of the actions of someone else now?

Yes.

But there is now an alternative to how I choose to deal with it all.

Today, I am choosing love.

Is that a hard choice even as a Christian?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!! 

or maybe you do.

But that is the truth and I must walk in it.

I must.

Thanks for reading.

♥CheChe