Your love stands firm...

Have you guys heard that song by Citizen called OH GOD? 

Well, let me post it for you.

Last night was rough.

I don't spend enough time giving it all to Him.

I go days, weeks... I go without Him knowing I need Him.

But songs like these meet me and minister to my heart.

How a God that was slaughtered for me would save me and watch me not love Him with everything.

He is so sweet to me. 

As I laid in the bathroom sobbing, at times uncontrollably, and telling Him everything the depths of my heart was holding on to, He brought songs to remembrance.

Songs of praise, songs of His character, songs of truth of who I am and who He is and who we are to one another.

He brought tears of every kind. But most importantly His spirit ministered to me and comforted me.

I asked Him the same question over and over. I listened for a response.

I thought I heard Him say yes to one and no to another.
I wanted to believe I didn't hear anything, I wanted to believe it was not real.
So I cried and surrendered because it was obvious at that moment I didn't care about the answer as much as I cared about having what I wanted.

My desire was bigger than hearing from Him.
The fulfillment of what my heart was aching for was bigger than His yes or no.

And I got a bit sick with myself. I was so repulsed by my sin and at that moment that I thought I would almost rather die than to feel the weight of who I was...

Yet, by His grace, in that moment God came down and saved me.

He saved me from it all and I felt His spirit lifting it out and off of me.

The battle of not leaving that bathroom until He had healed me, even if just for the night so I could sleep, the battle was won and I was conquered and filled with joy.

He took on my burden that was not mine to carry and I left the bathroom with puffy eyes and swollen lips free from the chains of my sin and misdirected heart. 

Oh God,
you never leave my side.
Your love will stand firm for all my life...