Broken heart memory Scene 3 ♥

Warning. This part is a bit raw in certain areas :).

Two weeks after that was over I was smoking more weed.
The aforementioned friendship of part 2...
& More depressed.

Oh, btw, I stopped eating with her.

Not like together... I just stopped while we were friends

we were smoking and hanging out so much I was able

to really just focus on everything but eating.

And that is when the eating disorder creeps in.

Just like a thief in the night.

Didn't expect that but lost about 30 pounds

in a month.

Back to the marijuana.

I was living in it and swimming in it.

You see, I had nobody.

My family was detached from me.

I had nobody there.

The friends I had tried to make family in my life

had always failed.

Life was beginning to seem more and more unnecessary.

I truly believe that God let the weed keep me from

ending my life during that 2 years of my love affair with weed.

I was so close.

After losing my best guy friend I was almost ready to give up,

But I dove into school and socializing and just being

positive instead. It helped. I graduated highschool alive.

However, when highschool ended I had more time to really

be with myself and remember the wounds that were

all over me. Unhealed they just made life more insane
in my head.
The weed didn't help. It trapped me with these thoughts,
and memories. I wouldn't speak at all. I would say a thing.
I would just drown myself in the most depressing memories
and thoughts of life....

You see, my whole life I thought I was worthless.

Molested by someone close to me for most of my youth.

"No" didn't mean anything to him once I hit about 4th grade.

Then the idiot tries to do stuff to me while I'm sleeping in my bed

one night in 6th grade.

I was freaking 9 or 10!?

That is pretty old.

But I knew it was wrong and I stood my ground and shoved my elbow

in his face...

The rest of the night means nothing.

All I know is that as a child, when you confess something for once.

And your mother or father call you a liar...
It does something to you...

It wasn't my guyfriend, it wasn't my close girlfriend after highschool...

It wasn't the guy who broke my heart first...

I changed the night I was called a liar for telling the deepest truth I knew.

I finally tried to cure myself senior year of highschool.

And by freshmen year of college marijuana was just something

that helped me enjoy living. A great crutch...

I love how one memory...

A broken heart...
Can be traced back in our history...

All the way back to 5th grade...

All the way back to the beginning.

By my second year of college I had met Mr. Ex.

He was at the jacuzzi.

I had gone to meet the guy my cousin was currently interested in.

While she was canoodling with him I had somehow

gotten the attention of Mr. Ex.

By the end of the night he had gotten my number.

It didn't seem memorable to me.

I did, however, question why he would want my number.

It was attractive. Someone wanting me. A MAN wanting me.
For once.

And not hating me or wanting to hide me in the dark and then

"love" me.

I was a virgin.
Physically. Mentally I was pretty dirty.

 

It was attractive.
So when he kept calling I decided to seek out what he was

looking for.

ugh, I just want to keep writing... But seriously.. Do you really

enjoy reading my novels??

I even leave long comments on your blogs...

that has to be annoying...

Part 4 tomorrow! It will probably be the end :)!

                                                                         ♥cheche

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