He was cute.
He had blue, piercing eyes.
But most importantly.
He liked me.
And I didn't really have to try.
I just smoked weed and talked about the world.
The crazy jacked up world that we lived in.
And he understood.
And I just got lost in someone loving me.
thinking I was beautiful.
Wanting to hear what I thought.
Saying that they cared about what I had to say.
It was a brand new world.
But he had a problem of his own.
Weed. Obviously (I stopped smoking a year into the relationship).
And alcohol.
And boy did we have some crazy, and just borderline
"this is my life?" nights with him and that love of alcohol.
We were both wounded. And that was what we loved about
each other. That we could love each other.
BE those tangible "void" fillers.
But I was once again in need of something more.
He wasn't fulfilling. His demons, the lack of sincere love I had
for him. I was still struggling. I was still living in this fallen
world hopeless. He became my hope. But he failed epically...
I used him for sex.
Countless times.
All I wanted was sex from him.
Sex had become one of the ways I truly felt love and joy.
It was something that I realized I couldn't get enough of.
And something that I didn't realize until after had become a new
drug.
(after we broke up I didn't sleep around. I relied fully on Jesus.
But I still struggled mentally hardcore.
I still struggle.
But by Gods grace I really have so much victory.)
And so it ended. Like all things built upon sand...
And I closed off my heart after.
I was once again protecting myself.
Only now I knew Christ. I believed in Him. And I believed
somewhere far away He would bring me my man...
But I was going to resist all things "love".
I wanted to be completely lost in Christ by not having
any guys on my mind. I didn't want to like them or have
to deal with being "close" to them. I just wanted to be
focused and feeling only love for Christ.
Which isn't bad.
But it is impossible.
To not feel at all.
Well, that would mean turning into a robot.
A guy likes me... Ignore him.
I like a guy... Ignore him.
PRAY AGAINST IT.
Guard your heart Che.
Guard your heart....
But guarding doesn't mean deceiving myself into not FEELING.
Because that my dear friends is what I struggled with my whole
life. Feeling.
Accepting these emotions that can be pretty dumb sometimes.
I hate feeling still at times, it is a HUGE struggle.
It reminds me that I am human. That I am not "strong".
Strong in the way women are supposed to be in the millenium...
I wrote all of this to say that I am over it.
I'm over being afraid of a broken heart.
Of the heart that broke in elementary when I was called a liar.
OF the heart that was broke in highschool by guyfriend.
Of the heart that was hardened over and over again each time
it was shattered.
I'm sick of it.
God promises He will renew my strength.
God promises me that.
AGAIN I AM LEARNING THIS.
But I am really learning this time around....
Seriously.
I mean it took 4 posts to say that. after all.
God my heart is yours.
Take it Lord.
These desires Father.
I give them back.
I pray over this needy flesh.
I pray over this lustful mind.
Take it Father.
Make it pure.
YOU PROTECT ME LORD.
YOU GUARD MY HEART.
Show me Father to surrender it all.
Every emotion, every tear, every piece of sorrow.
It is yours.
Thanks for following this little installment of mine.
I was going to just do it all in one but, it was kind of long.
haha....
So how about you ladies...
Any broken heart memories you still holding on to??
let today be the day it ends! trace it back and give everything
you find over to GOD!
♥CheChe
Read More
He had blue, piercing eyes.
But most importantly.
He liked me.
And I didn't really have to try.
I just smoked weed and talked about the world.
The crazy jacked up world that we lived in.
And he understood.
And I just got lost in someone loving me.
thinking I was beautiful.
Wanting to hear what I thought.
Saying that they cared about what I had to say.
It was a brand new world.
But he had a problem of his own.
Weed. Obviously (I stopped smoking a year into the relationship).
And alcohol.
And boy did we have some crazy, and just borderline
"this is my life?" nights with him and that love of alcohol.
We were both wounded. And that was what we loved about
each other. That we could love each other.
BE those tangible "void" fillers.
But I was once again in need of something more.
He wasn't fulfilling. His demons, the lack of sincere love I had
for him. I was still struggling. I was still living in this fallen
world hopeless. He became my hope. But he failed epically...
I used him for sex.
Countless times.
All I wanted was sex from him.
Sex had become one of the ways I truly felt love and joy.
It was something that I realized I couldn't get enough of.
And something that I didn't realize until after had become a new
drug.
(after we broke up I didn't sleep around. I relied fully on Jesus.
But I still struggled mentally hardcore.
I still struggle.
But by Gods grace I really have so much victory.)
And so it ended. Like all things built upon sand...
And I closed off my heart after.
I was once again protecting myself.
Only now I knew Christ. I believed in Him. And I believed
somewhere far away He would bring me my man...
But I was going to resist all things "love".
I wanted to be completely lost in Christ by not having
any guys on my mind. I didn't want to like them or have
to deal with being "close" to them. I just wanted to be
focused and feeling only love for Christ.
Which isn't bad.
But it is impossible.
To not feel at all.
Well, that would mean turning into a robot.
A guy likes me... Ignore him.
I like a guy... Ignore him.
PRAY AGAINST IT.
Guard your heart Che.
Guard your heart....
But guarding doesn't mean deceiving myself into not FEELING.
Because that my dear friends is what I struggled with my whole
life. Feeling.
Accepting these emotions that can be pretty dumb sometimes.
I hate feeling still at times, it is a HUGE struggle.
It reminds me that I am human. That I am not "strong".
Strong in the way women are supposed to be in the millenium...
I wrote all of this to say that I am over it.
I'm over being afraid of a broken heart.
Of the heart that broke in elementary when I was called a liar.
OF the heart that was broke in highschool by guyfriend.
Of the heart that was hardened over and over again each time
it was shattered.
I'm sick of it.
God promises He will renew my strength.
God promises me that.
So here I am. Once again.
Wondering how on earth I got here again.
A man has crept into my life.
And he may very well be not the man for me.
But he is here.
He is in my life.
And I am going to stop resisting the feelings.
I'm going to give them to God.
And pray for how he would want this to all play out.
And how he would want my role to be played out.
I just want Him to be apart of everything.
From here on out. My emotions are open to the heavenly courts!
So, I'm going to take a risk.AGAIN I AM LEARNING THIS.
But I am really learning this time around....
Seriously.
I mean it took 4 posts to say that. after all.
God my heart is yours.
Take it Lord.
These desires Father.
I give them back.
I pray over this needy flesh.
I pray over this lustful mind.
Take it Father.
Make it pure.
YOU PROTECT ME LORD.
YOU GUARD MY HEART.
Show me Father to surrender it all.
Every emotion, every tear, every piece of sorrow.
It is yours.
Thanks for following this little installment of mine.
I was going to just do it all in one but, it was kind of long.
haha....
So how about you ladies...
Any broken heart memories you still holding on to??
let today be the day it ends! trace it back and give everything
you find over to GOD!
♥CheChe
