He gives and takes away...

Today is March 19, 2013. 

I woke up and went to work today. The ride over was filled with thoughts of what God is doing. So much provision taking place in my life and it is all so undeserved. My car was totaled and the woman who hit me had no insurance. I was fine with that because I knew that God had allowed my car to get hit with the sole purpose of getting rid of it. Shortly after that I found out that the condo I had applied to rent with 3 other women had been approved. My credit is nasty, and Gods grace covered it. This condo is located right across the street from the center of my world these days. Work, church, friends and family.

This Sunday I received a heart stopping email telling me that someone who I have not spoken to since high school has been lead to give me a car. It is all quite ridiculous. I don't understand my Lords ways. The places He wishes to take me and things that He wishes to reveal to me are unbearable as they manifest. I have been overwhelmed in so many ways it is impossible to write them all down here. But I want to recount of His miracles, blessings and wonders. I want to track the trials and struggles. I want to keep count of His great love for me...

About an hour ago I received the text message informing me that my grandfather had passed away. This same grandfather whom my little brother is named after. His name was Rt. Not an actual acronym just the letters Rt. He had Alzheimer disease and I knew that they had placed him in a home. But now he is gone. I know that there is a reason for everything that takes place... But for some reason I am really upset, not with God but in a way it is with Him. 

I am so upset with my family. The fact that I can't have the family I want. Relatives that I am close to. Uncles and Aunties that I can call and talk to on the phone with a pure love and connection. I found myself so taken aback by the numbness that I felt as I spoke the words aloud "he's dead". 

I don't know if I'm sad, angry, disconnected... I don't know if it is wrong for me to feel because I wasn't as close to my family after the divorce. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing, thinking, feeling... I only know the God I believe in. He is good. He is good even when life seems bad. He is good even when I am not sure. He is good when I feel nothing at all or everything. He is so good and I don't understand His ways. I don't understand Him in the blessings or the trials. I don't understand why He chooses to do what He does. I only know that He is holy and so very worthy of my hearts complete adoration.

Writing this feels like an out of body experience. But I know its the little steps to just seek God and glorify Him that truly keep us walking after Him. It is those steps that seem so small and insignificant towards Him that propel us in giant leaps towards Jesus. He is all we need. And He will always be all we need.

Thank you Lord for all you give and all you withhold and all you take away. I pray you wreck me for your glory and pour out mercy and grace each morning and night upon my head and my brothers and sisters. Have your way with us Father. Have your way with me!