Spotlight: Heart Confession

Hello, this post is dedicated to my flesh that seeks to keep me trapped and chained to who I am no longer.

One of the ways my wicked heart has sought to imprison me is the struggle I have with my feelings. Not feelings for others but my feelings about myself. I am HIGHLY insecure. Trust me, I am not over-exaggerating here. I am so easy to provoke its almost a joke except I actually do cry and want to punch people in the face so it really isn't all that funny.

Now, I will and can admits that I have gotten better. When I was depressed and suicidal everything could and would get under my skin. I'd get so angry about the fact that someone had hurt my feelings and made me sad that I'd lash out and just get angry. Or if I felt too powerless to actually take control of the situation I'd hold it in and feed the depression I already had.

I can almost remember every major attack against me that left me feeling worthless. That is how sensitive I am. For example here are some things that I believed and held onto for years almost:

• Sophmore/Junior year, mom calls me fat in argument. I want to kill myself and decide that I am fat and need to lose weight (this fed my eating disorder bigtime)
• 7th grade, auntie says she will buy me a whole new wardrobe if I lose 20 pounds ( I was so confused and up until then didn't think anything was wrong with my body)
• Get in fight with a girl at the club. (i know right? wrong place to be) Guys outside call me a fat bitch for almost getting their "hotter" girlfriend kicked out of club. I fight back tears as I stare them down with daggers in my eyes.
• Failed almost relationship with guy in highschools final words in argument involve the words 'girl like you...' 
• Guy in highschool tells me to my face he would never date a black girl (ouch right? not only am I fat now but I'm black and undateable because of it. ha ha)
• Close friend and I get a fight and I catch her telling another girl that I "might sit on them" because apparently I'm huge right?

What I find funny is the things I remember all involved my appearance. This was the area that got me the most growing up in the suburbia of Irvine. Where girls had long pretty hair, money and the attention of guys city-county wide. And I hung out with a lot of them. Insert how to feed already growing self esteem right about here.

Then a few years later this same ugly, fat black woman who is starving herself to live the life she never had learns who Jesus is and Jesus gives her faith. Faith to believe in Him and Him alone as God and to walk after Him in this dark world. God freed me from many of those lies but the attacks still come.

I struggle now so much with my relationships with my sisters. I am always on the defense. Sometimes I feel as if they are directly being mean to me because of their words. Sometimes I feel like they don't really care about me and I get depressed for a moment. Sometimes when I am lonely I can fall into the NOBODY loves me routine and desperately open the scriptures praying Jesus would be my everything at that moment. Sometimes I feel like I am just too flawed to ever be the sister I want to be to them.

This life is a battle and the biggest battle of all rages within my rib cage. My flesh is so weak and the spirit is so willing but some days I just feel so overwhelmed with pain and just hurt. The perfectionist in me get me into fits of focusing on my flaws. 

Though I have been set free I am still a woman living with flesh and bones until her savior returns. And I just wanted to confess that my mind can be a cesspool of lies at times and I can easily be deceived and lead astray by the understanding within my heart. I am so broken with or without Jesus. But thanks be to God that I no longer have to be broken without hope or true wisdom. God tells me I was fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. Then fearfully and wonderfully made I am. No if's, and's or but's about that. God says, and so it is.

But boy can owning that be quite the challenge on occasion.

End of confession