It hurts doesn't it?
I know life is real. "I think therefore I am".
So, obviously, I exist as well.
But life in general, or in my head, can seem a bit unreal.
Sometimes I just blow myself away with how dumb I play.
I have allowed myself to, for the second time this year, get in over
my head with someone.
For instance: How I saw my ex-boyfriend after having a nice night out with a sister at the Cheesecake Factory and all of a sudden I'm reverting back to not being good enough. How much weight I've gained since we broke up. How ugly my outfit was.
Everything the Lord says I am OBVIOUSLY went out the window.
I'm just stupid.
My sister slaps me back to reality by reminding me that we broke up for a reason and asking me to say that reason aloud. (COMPLETELY WORKED).
But the part that sucks is that I was that WOMAN for a moment. The girl
who wanted to put on makeup and fix her outfit and walk by her ex again so
that the last image he had of her would be a bit more in my favor.
AHHHHHH!
Lord Jesus help me!
But most of the day, I don't live in this world version of reality.
The reality of just how sinful I am.
The fact that as soon as a man shows me attention at work and starts
talking to me and showing me interest DESPITE the fact that He doesn't even
believe in God (and is actually not much my type)... I STILL REALLY, REALLY look
forward to when he will speak to me next, deep down inside....
YES!! This is my truth. I am a attention seeking "FILL IN THE BLANK"... Excuse the wording.
This is an issue of the heart. And whenever God reveals my heart to me I get uncomfortable.
WHAT? NOT ME!? THAT CAN'T BE THE PROBLEM...?
I want more of what is not good for me.
I want to be shown attention and loved by some earthly man more than I crave to
feel loved than my heavenly father sometimes...
That is sin.
That is pathetic.
That is only going to happen more and more.
The saddest part is that I am becoming more aware of how dumb I can be.
And tonight when I realized this, I just... I wanted to do everything BUT PRAY.
I didn't want to tell the Lord that I am sorry, but I love flirting with the idea of
talking to a man as much as I can without actually being in sin with him.
The fact that as soon as an attractive guy (bonus points that HE LOVES JESUS)
seeks me out as a friend and shares his thoughts with me, all of a sudden I have no self-control
and I just want to talk to him more and more.
No, we aren't talking dirty.
We aren't even flat-out flirting.
But I know where my heart is.
Partially excited just to talk about things.
Partially excited to talk about things with a man.
And I didn't want to believe this.
I AGAIN didn't want to realize what God was really showing me these past two weeks
that I have been struggling with just living and existing.
God, Forgive me... Again.
I'm sick of not accepting my sin.
Of not being honest.
Forgive me for wanting a man so bad that I compromise
and flirt along the boundary lines of what has been sealed within me
only to be shared with you and someday my husband.
Forgive me Lord.
Please show me how to turn from this.
How to run from this.
How to run from this.
How to be strong and resist this.
This is MY sin Lord.
Mine.
I take responsiblity and I ask you to help me get as far
away from it as possible and closer to you.
Oh, Lord. help me...
♥CheChe
