What are barriers you refuse to overcome in order to grow in your faith and walk?
How much is God asking of you and how much are you giving Him?
These my friends are some TOUGH, TOUGH questions.
I am only asking them because I have been ignoring them myself.
God has been speaking.
And these are the things He has been saying.
And I haven't necessarily been too excited about answering them.
TRUTHFULLY putting myself aside and being SEE-THROUGH for the maker of the universe.
I mean, lets just be honest.
HE ALREADY KNOWS THE DARN ANSWERS.
What I have to say is nothing SHOCKING or SURPRISING to God.
But I have been sooo, sooo very scared. I almost don't remember how and when I was able to feel so right with Christ.
These questions have created a gap between me and my savior for the last few months.
I haven't wanted anything other than to do what I wanted to do for Him and avoid this sin.
I know that you guys enjoy my honesty but this is the root of all of these posts you've been reading.
This is the bud of the bud.
I am not right with Christ.
I have lied and stolen.
And prayed for forgiveness but been too scared to really admit it.
I have been struggling with these questions and I wanted to briefly answer them even though the answers frighten the world out of me.
I have been hindering my walk. I have been allowing the lusts of money to bridge the widest gap between me and God. Recently I managed to get 600dollars (3 payments) behind on my car note and I have no idea how it got so bad or how I will catch up. Sometimes I wake up in fear that my car is repossessed. The bill collectors are calling night and day and although I haven't allowed it to stress me out that bad I really have no idea how this is all going to pan out. Top that off with misc. other expenses that have yet to be paid and your looking at a woman who has been downright irresponsible with her cash :(.
BARRIERS: Living in my means. Overcompensating for love and joy with food. Needing to be around others constantly instead of clinging to the word. Needing to feel beautiful and looking in all the wrong places. Avoiding the conviction of the holy spirit. Loving to be seen and heard and struggling with how others view me. Etc. Etc. Etc.
God is asking me to be real 24/7. At work I struggle with being a woman of GOD and loving on others. I get really legalistic and just prideful and lash out on my coworkers and give huge attitude. God asked me at the womens retreat to give him my car and I completely ignored it and said I didn't understand. But I knew what he meant. GIVE BACK THE CAR THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY. Ironically I am now 3 car payments behind and on the brink of losing the car completely.
...
That was a lot. But I really want to start over. I want to be the girl who spreads the love of Christ wherever she goes even if she isn't speaking. I want to be the girl that depends on nobody but her Savior. I want to be the girl that CHRIST already sees me as.
I want to have Jesus truly be the first one I call on.
I want to be comfortable having NO MONEY.
I want to not CARE ABOUT MONEY AND THINK ABOUT MATERIAL THINGS SO MUCH.
I want more of Christ in my life and the only way he can start fitting in this life is if I move aside.
I am my OWN WORST ENEMY FRIENDS.
No, the devil didn't make me do it.
He may have made the distraction but it was by my own flesh that I have walked so far away.
Thankfully I still hear our savior calling and beckoning for me to come to him.
I still hear him.
And I don't want to lose him.
I WANT TO LOSE MYSELF.
Father, have mercy.
Grant me this desire to be consumed and to forsake this world for the sake of your cross.
I love you abba.
God Bless.
♥ CheChe
